Celebrities Who've Attempted Suicide--may surprise you

This shouldn't be as shocking as it first appears. As someone who's a suicide survivor (which doesn't mean I've attempted suicide myself--it means I have lost a loved one to suicide) it is interesting reading. We suicide survivors are always left with the "why" someone has tried to kill themselves; those who've attempted but didn't die can help us understand the mindset at the time of attempt.

In my opinion, it appears that loss of hope that circumstances will ever be better, combined with clinical depression, cause many suicide attempts. It's interesting to do further reading, and find out, "how did they climb out of their depression?", and "were they ultimately glad they didn't die?"

Here's the list. You can click on the link for reader comments.

A Surprisingly Long List of People Who’ve Attempted Suicide
by Sandy Wood - September 5, 2007 - 3:00 AM

   

 

I was surprised and saddened last week to read of the reported suicide attempt by actor Owen Wilson.Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums are staff favorites here, and we’re definitely hoping and wishing for Wilson’s full recovery. But as I started thinking about the comedy star, and mulling over the constant stress of his profession, it made me realize just how pervasive attempted suicide is among high-profile people. Here are some selected 20th century celebs who attempted suicide, but managed to turn their lives around:

Halle Berry – admitted to Parade magazine that, distraught over her failed marriage to baseball star David Justice, she tried to end her life by carbon monoxide poisoning.

Greg Louganis – depressed, abused and confused, Greg attempted suicide three times (including once by an aspirin-and-Ex Lax combo) after a knee injury at age 12 ruined his dream of becoming an Olympic gymnast. Luckily, he recovered, and made it to the Games as a diver.

James Stockdale – H. Ross Perot’s former running mate attempted suicide while a POW at Hoa Lo Prison in Vietnam in 1969 to avoid torture.

Donna Summer – tried to leap from an 11-story window at a New York hotel at the peak of her career in 1976, but was discovered by a housekeeper.

Drew Carey – after a rough childhood that included sexual molestation by an unknown party and his father’s death, the lovable Price is Right host attempted suicide twice in his teen years.

Mike Wallace – in a 2006 retrospective honoring his retirement as a 60 Minutescorrespondent, Wallace revealed a suicide attempt twenty years prior.

Paul Robeson – the “Ol’ Man River” vocalist tried to off himself by slashing his wrists in a Moscow hotel room in 1961, although his son (Paul Jr.) claims the event was caused by a CIA/FBI conspiracy that drugged him with LSD.

Elizabeth Taylor – hoped to end her life in February 1962 with an overdose of Seconal, although she said she did so only because she “needed to get away.”

Fred “Rerun” Berry – the What’s Happening!! star said he tried to kill himself three times prior to finding religion in 1984.

Robert Young – yes, even the Father Knows Best father fell victim to depression later in life, culminating in a 1991 attempt on his own life.

And an alphabetical list of some others: 

Maxene Andrews – survived after attempting suicide via a pill overdose in 1954, distraught over the breakup of the vocal group she’d formed with her siblings, The Andrews Sisters.

Adam Ant – tried to OD on pills in his early 20s after breaking up with his girlfriend.

Mary Astor – alcoholism led to a reported suicide attempt in 1951 with sleeping pills; she maintained it was an accident.

Tai Babilonia – attempted suicide after she became addicted to alcohol and amphetamines following her Olympic skating disappointment in 1980.

Drew Barrymore – after leaving drug rehab in 1989 at the age of 14, she tried to kill herself, but received treatment and successfully kicked the habit.

Brigitte Bardot – attempted suicide several times, first as a teenager. At 26, she downed a bottle of sleeping pills and slit her wrists, but recovered. “I took pills because I didn’t want to throw myself off my balcony and know people would photograph me lying dead below.”

Danny Bonaduce – made headlines by attempting suicide in 2005 during the filming of the reality showBreaking Bonaduce after his wife asked him for a divorce. Neither the attempt (nor the subsequent hospitalization) was shown on-screen.

Maria Callas – frustrated with her efforts to lure Aristotle Onassis away from then-wife Jackie Kennedy, she reportedly tried to OD on barbiturates in May 1970 (but later denied the attempt).

Martine Carol – thought that a triple-whammy of alcohol, drugs, and drowning would end her life when this French actress threw herself into the Seine at the age of 26. The cab driver who drove her there ended up saving her life.

Nell Carter – became addicted to cocaine and attempted suicide during the run of her hit TV show Gimme a Break.

Johnny Cash – in 1967, the “man in black” withdrew to a cave just north of Chattanooga, Tennessee, hoping to lose his way (and his life). He found his way out.

Gary Coleman – announced in 1993 that he had tried to commit suicide twice by taking sleeping pills.

Nadia Comaneci – while she denied it for years, the gymnastics legend was so stressed out (due to several factors, including her parents’ divorce) that she tried to end her life by drinking bleach just two years after her 1976 Olympics success.

Sammy Davis, Jr. – the biography Me and My Shadow reveals that a distraught Davis, fed up with cracks about his race, religion, and height, tried to kill himself on his wedding night by driving off a cliff.

Diana, Princess of Wales – told an interviewer that she threw herself down some stairs while pregnant with William, hoping to put an end to her unhappiness.

Walt Disney – the Leonard Mosley biography Disney’s World reveals a rumored suicide attempt.

Micky Dolenz – performed a suicide scene in The Monkees’ 1968 film Head, then tried it for real a few years later after the band had broken up by walking into traffic and sitting down in the roadway.

Patty Duke – bipolar disorder resulted in several attempted suicides during her life.

Eminem – tried to overdose on Tylenol in 1996 after wife Kim Mathers dumped him. She attempted suicide four years later by slitting her wrists.

Marianne Faithfull – attempted suicide in Australia 1969, after which she broke up with boyfriend Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones.

Peter Fonda – in 1950, a few months after his mother committed suicide, the 10-year-old shot himself in the stomach. Claims it was “stupid and accidental,” but some believe it was the youngster’s attempt at taking his own life.

Clark Gable – hoped to die during a high-speed motorbike rampage shortly after wife Carol Lombard was killed. He then joined the Army and flew missions over Germany during World War II.

Stan Getz – the celebrated saxophonist became addicted to heroin and tried to kill himself with a drug overdose in 1954 when police confronted him over an ill-fated attempt to rob a Seattle pharmacy. He spent three days in a coma.

Dwight “Doc” Gooden – in 1994, the troubled former Cy Young Award winner held a 9mm pistol to his head before his wife took it from him.

Ken Griffey, Jr. – in 1988, just months after signing a lucrative pro baseball contract, the 18-year-old ingested over 200 aspirin to escape insults from fans and arguments with his father. He recovered after time in intensive care.

Mariette Hartley – attempted suicide (as did her mother) after her father died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound in 1962. Now an advocate for suicide prevention.

Susan Hayward – the breakup of marriage to Jess Barker, and the related custody battle for her sons, led to a 1966 suicide attempt.

Houston – the R&B singer was stopped after he tried to throw himself out of a hotel window in 2005, and then gouged out his own eye. Reports vary as to the reason behind this behavior.

Betty Hutton – her father killed himself after leaving her mother. In 1970, Betty tried to take her own life when her singing voice faltered.

Michael Jackson – in June 2005, a bogus, trojan-laced email reporting on a suicide attempt by the “king of pop” (just before he was found not guilty) infected computers worldwide. While that report was false, some sources claim Jackson did try to off himself that December.

Billy Joel – after the failure of his band Attila, attempted suicide in late 1970 by drinking furniture polish. “It looked tastier than bleach,” he later revealed.

Elton John – tried to kill himself by sticking his head in a gas stove, but writing partner Bernie Taupin found him “lying on a pillow, and he’d opened all the windows.” The two collaborated on the song “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” to tell the story.

Sally Kirkland – the actress spent her 20s mired in drugs until a suicide attempt literally scared her straight.

Shelley Long – despite tabloid reports that her 2004 overdose on painkillers was a suicide attempt, the Cheers star claims she simply overmedicated herself in order to cope with the breakup of her marriage to Bruce Tyson.

Ginger Lynn – at the age of 12, the future porn star ingested a cocktail of medications to escape from her mother’s constant abuse.

Jeanette MacDonald – tried to overdose on pills after learning of Nelson Eddy’s marriage in 1939; was saved by W.S. Van Dyke (who later killed himself).

Mindy McCready – the country singer announced in 2005 that she had twice attempted suicide due to problems with boyfriend William McKnight, who had once nearly choked her to death.

Robert McFarlane – the National Security Advisor tried to end his life in 1987 over his involvement with the Iran-Contra scandal. He took an estimated 30 tablets of Valium.

Sinéad O’Connor – claims to have been haunted by thoughts of suicide her whole life. Reportedly attempted it in 1993, and then swallowed 20 Valium tablets in a failed 1999 suicide attempt.

Jennifer O’Neill – first attempted suicide at the age of 14, and then “accidentally” shot herself in the stomach in 1983, but recovered.

Ozzy Osbourne – not only did he supposedly inspire self-slaughter with the song “Suicide Solution,” but Ozzy admits to having attempted to off himself several times during his life, even as a teenager.

Marie Osmond – The National Enquirer reported that the singer’s hospitalization in the summer of 2006 was due to an attempted suicide, but she and her publicists wrote it off to a reaction to medication.

Terrell Owens – the volatile NFL star denied a September 2006 report that he’d tried to kill himself by overdosing on prescription painkillers he had been taking for a broken finger.

Charlie Parker – the jazz legend known as “The Bird” wanted to end his life in 1954, but failed in two attempts. He was then admitted to the Bellevue clinic, where he received much-needed therapy.

Barbara Payton – in a love triangle with Franchot Tone and Tom Neal, she ingested several sleeping pills in an attempt on her own life, but was discovered by Tone. (See Jean Wallace entry below.)

Dennis Price – consumed by alcohol, the tall British actor left the gas on in his oven at his London apartment in 1954. A servant found him and summoned help.

Richard Pryor – later admitted that the fire that injured him while free-basing cocaine in June 1980 was really a suicide attempt.

Martha Raye – after breaking up with husband David Rose, she went into a depression and took an overdose of sleeping pills in 1956, but recovered.

Nina Simone – the singer attempted suicide due to depression and a sense of helplessness after being attacked in London during the mid-1970s.

Britney Spears – earlier this year, tabloid headlines claimed that the pop diva had experienced a breakdown and tried to kill herself twice, first by walking into traffic, then by ODing on Xanax.

Tina Turner – in her biography I, Tina, she revealed a failed suicide attempt in 1968.

Mike Tyson – in September 1988, the then-undisputed heavyweight champion crashed his car into a tree in what the New York Daily News described as a suicide attempt.

Vanilla Ice – in 1994, less than five years from the peak of his success, the depressed rapper twice tried to kill himself.

Jean Wallace – the actress hoped to end her life with sleeping pills in 1946 while married to Franchot Tone, then by stabbing herself in 1949 after their divorce.

Tuesday Weld – began drinking at a young age and attempted suicide at the tender age of 12 by ingesting aspirin, sleeping pills, and a bottle of gin. “I had fallen in love with a homosexual and, when it didn’t work out, I felt hurt.”

Hank Williams, Jr. – the combination of drugs and alcohol abuse led to a suicide attempt in early 1974.

Brian Wilson – some sources claim the Beach Boys genius tried to kill himself in the mid-1980s, a low point from which he has since rebounded.

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One-size-does-not-fit-all

I was just reading an article in today's Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel business section about health club membership prices and the competition between gyms here locally for new and existing members. In the Milwaukee area, it reported that approximately 22.4% of residents belonged to a gym in 2010.  Then it goes on to talk about  how a new gym that has opened recently is only charging $10 to join and how that affects the other gyms.

I got stuck on the "22.4%" and did a little more math and came up with 77.6% of residents in Milwaukee did NOT have a gym membership in 2010!! I wonder if the people that do these statistics ever stop to ask people WHY they don't belong to a gym?! Hmm??

Well, I'm here to answer the question for you. First of all, since I moved here to Wisconsin, I'm shocked the number is so low. Why? Because the weather sucks here for like 9 months out of the year. (Ok, make it 10. Even in summer, it's usually raining). Exercising outdoors here is really not an option most of the year, so I'm shocked the number isn't the other way around. Kind of answers the question about why many Wisconsinites are overweight....) I'm a runner, or at least I used to be when I lived in California. I ran year-round. I mean, when the coldest it's going to get is in the 40's, running outdoors is a pleasurable thing to do. I love it. I love the early morning smells in the spring and summer, and the crisp fresh air in the winter. In fall, I love crunching the fallen leaves as I run. I think in the whole year I've lived here in Wisconsin, I've run less than 8 times outdoors. It's just not pleasurable.

So--how does a person find a gym to join when their are so many to choose from? Well, it's really an individual choice. Just like buying underwear. One size does not fit all. What are your fitness goals? Are you the kind of person that likes to exercise alone or in a group setting, or with just one other person? Do you even know? What is your fitness level right now? What's your work/school/child care schedule like? 

Those of you that know me know that I've become a gym rat- I live there. I work at a gym, I work out at least 5 days a week. I gave up running for the most part, only because I really hate treadmills. I feel like a mouse on a wheel. I became a certified Spin instructor a year ago only to realize Spinning here is really "cycling" and it's for road bikers. Bleh. I know--I should give it another try and maybe I will. But I got bitten by the tennis bug and it's not only great cardio but I made friends too and joined a league and now compete.  It's so much fun and terribly addicting. I have become a tennis whore and will play anyone who'll play me. On alternating days, I lift weights. My triceps are my best asset now. (Who'd have thunk?)

Why is it only 22.4% of people here going to the gym? What are they doing to stay in shape? Well, many of them aren't, and many people have exercise equipment in their homes. And like many people, when the weather gets too bad, I've got my Pilates DVD I do in my bedroom. And don't forget, crunches can be done anywhere. 

Is it the cost of gyms that keep people away? Or could it be something else? I have almost always belonged to a gym. What I look for in a gym seems to change from time to time, but I adapt. I don't switch gyms often, although I have done so. Is there an "ultimate" gym? And if there was, how much would you be willing to pay to join it?

Ian, my son, and I and one of his friends have this conversation on a regular basis, as we are planning on opening our own gym in the future. Here are some of the things we've come up with that being gym rats ourselves, we find important in a good gym:

1. CLEAN--the gym has got to be clean. It needs to not only LOOK clean, but BE clean. When you're running on a treadmill, with nothing to look at besides either a wall or a TV screen, you tend to notice the build-up of sticky lint along the edges. Yuk.

2. ATTRACTIVE WORKERS/OTHER MEMBERS--do not laugh at this! You know you notice. Maybe it's not important to you but subliminally, you notice. Whether or not you're single or not, the attractiveness of the people around you either inspire you or they don't.

3. NEW AND LATEST IN EQUIPMENT--my son and his friend have become experts on weightlifting equipment. A little Internet research on what's latest and greatest and safest and if a gym has outdated equipment, who'd want to go there?

4. FREE STUFF--this you really won't find everywhere, but we think it's important.  My gym has complimentary soaps, deodorant spray and hairspray! Another gym I used to belong to had the right idea--every time you checked in, it counted your attendances and when you got to a certain number, you'd get a free 1/2 hour massage, or sports drink, or membership to a special class. Great idea. Kind of like punching a smoothie card--buy 10 and get one free. Cool!!! 

5. PERSONAL TRAINERS THAT KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT--this is a big one. If you're a newbie and don't know any better, you tend to take what they say as gospel. I've seen and heard many give bad advice, dangerous even. The trainers at the gym I go to are certified and they DO know what they're talking about, but it's not like that everywhere. 

6. FUN CLASSES--this is my area of 'expertise". Are the classes not only conveniently timed, but are they FUN?? I know many that are NOT fun. They are boring and hard and you have to force yourself to go. Why do they keep these instructors??? It baffles me. For the most part, the instructors at my gym love what they do and it shows in their enthusiasm.  But personally, counting off seconds or minutes or pretending we are climbing hills when we have never biked outside in our lives (except with our children) is NOT fun. Sweating in public, especially in a group, should be fun. And no over-crowding. If a class is so popular you can't move without getting swatted in the eye, they need to have more classes.

7. NICE LOCKER ROOMS--One gym I used to belong to had these pretty little individual vanity desks that resembled backstage dressing rooms like celebrities use.  All the lockers actually worked. And another one had this hideous greenish-blue stained carpet that was about 100 years old and disgusting. If you are afraid to be barefoot--let alone naked--in a locker room, it doesn't matter how nice the employees are. Yuk. 

8. THE LITTLE THINGS--It's the little things that add up to make it or break it as a successful gym. Do they sell healthy snacks and sports drinks? Are they reasonably priced? Do they offer free training when you join? Do they have nutritional counseling? Do you like the way the towels smell? Does the staff seem happy and do they treat you well? Are they nearby? Do you like their hours of operation? Do you feel welcomed? Do you like the house music? Are people friendly? What are the other members like? Do you feel safe in the parking lot? Do you enjoy the classes? I'm sure there are more "little things" that I missed, but if you don't belong to a gym right now, I'm sure you can elaborate for me.

The bottom line is, gyms are big business, and they need you. Without you, they can't survive. Like most businesses, they want to please you. With so many gyms available, what is it that makes YOU want to join, keep going, or quit? Because staying healthy is really every single person's goal, or it should be. You don't have to want to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger to work out at a gym, nor desire the biceps of Demi Moore. Most gyms offer a free one-week trial membership to get you to join--so think about what's important to YOU before you plunk down your credit card.

And remember--exercise should be fun, and consistency is the key to accomplishing your fitness goals.

You can do it!

I know you can.

Now get out there and sweat!!!

Why I'm agnostic--Wisconsin style

According to our local newspaper today (the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel), "there are two religions in Wisconsin--Green Bay Packers, and deer hunting." Guess that makes me agnostic.

The front page story had a picture of a hunter crouching next to the nine-point buck he'd just killed. A beautiful, large antlered male deer. It sickened me. What a thing to look at over my morning coffee. I was nauseated.

Being a California girl, born and bred for oh, 30+ some years, I had never seen a real live deer. Once, on a family reunion trip to San Antonio, Texas, we not only saw some deer but fed them. It was amazing. Up close, they are as beautiful as they looked in pictures. Sweet, dark brown eyes, long eyelashes, darling little white fluffy tails, and they are one of the most gentlest creatures on the planet. They attack nothing and fear everything.

So, when we moved here to Wisconsin and heard the stories of all the deer that lived in our area, I was very excited. I couldn't wait to see a real live deer! And lo and behold, we have had some in our backyard. One more than one occasion, we've had deer in our backyard. Deer sightings here are always preceded with insane barking by our dog, who thinks they're other dogs that have come into our yard.  (Of course we don't let him out!) The first time was the most magical--a doe (mommy deer) and her baby (fawn). The white spots on the baby were so cute. It got excited by something and started to leap into the air, bucking like a horse for no apparent reason. Other times, the deer just slowly walk through our yard, grazing on the grass and bushes, disappearing into the brush into a neighbor's yard. It's like a UFO sighting--I run and get my iPhone and take a bunch of pictures because they're usually gone in less than 30 seconds. I gasp and send the pics to my family back in California. I post them to my Facebook.

Little did I realize how much people here hate deer. Live here long enough, and you're bound to have a horror story to tell about how you either hit a deer driving or it hit you. And nearly killed you. Bambi lovers such as myself are a joke.

I'm not going to give statistics here, because I really don't give a shit what the numbers are. You can tell me all about how the deer overpopulate here and how killing them is good for them and all. One thing the good ol' Milwaukee Journal educated me on in their article today is how much money gun manufacturers and bow and arrow people make this time every year. Not to mention money made on hunting licenses, and all those really dorky camouflage outfits. It's big business.

What I really don't get is how this is first of all a sport, and second, a "family tradition", as discussed in the article. This is something families do together??? A "bonding" experience?? Killing beautiful defenseless animals?? This horrifies me.

Our family plays tennis together. Or we rent a movie from Redbox and make popcorn, or play board games. No one has to die in order for us to bond together. I really can't imagine going out and spending precious money on rifles and bullets and driving out to where we could hunt down a precious deer and shoot and kill it. And then what? Celebrate? Carry it home with us? Eat it for God's sake? Put its head up as an ornament over the pool table? How did killing become a "sport"?? Tennis is a sport. No one dies. Killing animals is not a sport. It's not a competition. The deer don't have a chance.

I was horrified when I heard a co-worker tell me he "just missed" killing a nine-point buck. I don't even know what "nine-point" means, and don't bother explaining it to me. I'm assuming it describes some sort of system where 9 is higher that 2, duh, it's probably a more rare type of deer and if you shoot one, you're more of a hero. Whoop-de-do.

I have never seen a buck. If one walked through my backyard, I sure wouldn't have the urge to grab a gun and kill it!!! I'd be marveling at its awesome antlers, and how if there was a daddy, hopefully there'd be more babies soon. I just don't have the desire to end its life.

People that I have otherwise liked have turned out to be deer hunters, and I just can't reconcile it. I wonder what kind of a person finds joy in this. I'm not being facetious. I am serious. It has made me honestly re-think some of my friendships. I just can't fathom the thought of these otherwise really nice and enjoyable people holding rifles in their hands and stalking and murdering beautiful deer.

I have often said that if I had to hunt down and kill my own meat, I'd be a vegetarian. There's no way I could look an animal in the eyes and shoot it. Unless I was literally starving, like on a desert island or something. It comes homogenized and wrapped in plastic in the store, and yes, that makes me a hypocrite but at least I'm willing to admit it. I have never killed anything for food, and if you have, that still doesn't make it something to brag about. How can killing something, whether it be a deer or quail or ducks be something to get excited about?? And the state I now reside in considers deer hunting to be a "religion"?? Wish I could just click my heels and go back to California.

Oh, and that other religion, the Packers? I do know some die-hard Packer fans. You have no idea. At this writing, they're 10-0 and they did win  the Super Bowl last year. AND it's REALLY a sport!!!

At least no one's being shot with a rifle.

An open letter to my suicidal friends--get help now!!

Dear Suicidal Friends,

It is with great empathy and a heavy heart that I write you today. I have never been in your shoes, so I will not belittle your pain as if to say, "I know how you feel." I don't know how you feel. And anyone who tries to "cheer you up" by saying, "get over it", clearly has no idea how you feel either. What I do know is, suicide is not the answer.

I realize you are in great pain and want the pain to go away.  Those of us who have not walked in your shoes cannot fathom how you feel right now. But--choosing suicide is a cowardly act. SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM. It's giving up on yourself.  You are basically saying, "I've tried everything to feel better, and nothing is working."

Have you tried everything you can to feel better? Have you? Do your closest friends and family truly know how you feel? I believe it's because suicidal people have a chemical imbalance. Think of it this way--how do you feel when you're in love? The whole world is rosy. The sky is bluer, the grass is greener, food tastes better, and you walk with a spring in your step. You have all those wonderful endorphins rushing through your system. I guess feeling suicidal is the flip side of that. Everything is gray, everything is harder, everything becomes a great effort. You can't just "cheer yourself up." 

Feeling the way you do is not shameful. Asking for help is not shameful. I know that you are a great friend to YOUR friends--if they came to you and said, "hey, I'm not doing so well, I may hurt myself," what would you do? You'd be there for them. You'd rush to their side, take them for coffee, hold them in your arms. You'd listen and talk and be there for them. You are there for YOUR friends, now let them be there for YOU. 

I have a friend who is suicidal and has actually attempted suicide at one point in her life. She is still not out of the woods. It scares me to think I will get a phone call like the one I got about my friend Erin, and my brother. It is a helpless feeling to know our words are ignored because of the dark cloud that obscures rational thought at a time when you need it most. Your friends are rational and can see beyond your pain. Please let them help you!!

When a friend or family member responds to your cries for help, I'm begging you to give them a chance to help you. If you died today, or tomorrow, we will blame ourselves for not being a better friend. I know you don't have the energy to deal with OUR pain, but if I can stop and make you see just for a second how loved your really are, even if you don't feel lovable, you will allow someone to hold your hand through this. 

If possible, take a walk. Get outdoors. Bundle up if you have to, and just talk a slow walk. Take deep breaths and really take in the scenery around you. Listen to the birds. Listen to the cars rushing by. Listen to a train's horn. Pick up a leaf and marvel at how perfect it is. Listen to your heartbeat--the wonderful pumping of blood that is keeping you alive. You, like the leaf, like the birds, like the sky. 

are a one-of-a-kind marvelous creation. It's my hope that you will feel better, even a little bit. You know why? You will get those endorphins going, and we need all the feel-good hormones we can get.  Or play some music that makes you feel like dancing--even if you don't feel like dancing. I truly believe music can help. 

I'm a runner. I started running when my BFF found out she had Stage 4 breast cancer. I ran because she couldn't. I felt guilty I was healthy and she was sick. I found myself crying as I began my run, thinking about how she was getting chemo while I was out in the sunshine. By the time I got home, I had cried it all out and was ready to call her and be a good friend. This went on for months. She is cancer-free now, and I'm still running. Getting outside in the fresh air helps me. Maybe it'll help you.

There are more laughs to be had, more love to be in your life, if you let it. Please choose life, and get help. Call a friend, go to the hospital, call a hotline. We all want you to be around as long as possible, and we want you to be happy. You CAN get there. Lean on someone you trust, even if it's a stranger. Because we care. Please call someone today. 

If you, or someone you know, is in suicidal crisis or emotional distress please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

I love you,

Lauren

P.S. Some websites to turn to:

http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Have-Attempted-Suicide/32285

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/

http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=1

                        ***************************************************

What can I do to help someone who is suicidal? Take it seriously. Myth: “The people who talk about it don't do it.” Studies have found that more than 75% of all completed suicides did things in the few weeks or months prior to their deaths to indicate to others that they were in deep despair. Anyone expressing suicidal feelings needs immediate attention. Myth: “Anyone who tries to kill himself has got to be crazy.” Perhaps 10% of all suicidal people are psychotic or have delusional beliefs about reality. Most suicidal people suffer from the recognized mental illness of depression; but many depressed people adequately manage their daily affairs. The absence of “craziness” does not mean the absence of suicide risk. “Those problems weren't enough to commit suicide over,” is often said by people who knew a completed suicide. You cannot assume that because you feel something is not worth being suicidal about, that the person you are with feels the same way. It is not how bad the problem is, but how badly it's hurting the person who has it. Remember: suicidal behavior is a cry for help. Myth: “If a someone is going to kill himself, nothing can stop him.” The fact that a person is still alive is sufficient proof that part of him wants to remain alive. The suicidal person is ambivalent - part of him wants to live and part of him wants not so much death as he wants the pain to end. It is the part that wants to live that tells another “I feel suicidal.” If a suicidal person turns to you it is likely that he believes that you are more caring, more informed about coping with misfortune, and more willing to protect his confidentiality. No matter how negative the manner and content of his talk, he is doing a positive thing and has a positive view of you. Be willing to give and get help sooner rather than later. Suicide prevention is not a last minute activity. All textbooks on depression say it should be reached as soon as possible. Unfortunately, suicidal people are afraid that trying to get help may bring them more pain: being told they are stupid, foolish, sinful, or manipulative; rejection; punishment; suspension from school or job; written records of their condition; or involuntary commitment. You need to do everything you can to reduce pain, rather than increase or prolong it. Constructively involving yourself on the side of life as early as possible will reduce the risk of suicide. Listen.Give the person every opportunity to unburden his troubles and ventilate his feelings. You don't need to say much and there are no magic words. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it. Give him relief from being alone with his pain; let him know you are glad he turned to you. Patience, sympathy, acceptance. Avoid arguments and advice giving. ASK: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” Myth: “Talking about it may give someone the idea.” People already have the idea; suicide is constantly in the news media. If you ask a despairing person this question you are doing a good thing for them: you are showing him that you care about him, that you take him seriously, and that you are willing to let him share his pain with you. You are giving him further opportunity to discharge pent up and painful feelings. If the person is having thoughts of suicide, find out how far along his ideation has progressed. If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave him alone. If the means are present, try to get rid of them. Detoxify the home.  Urge professional help. Persistence and patience may be needed to seek, engage and continue with as many options as possible. In any referral situation, let the person know you care and want to maintain contact. No secrets. It is the part of the person that is afraid of more pain that says “Don't tell anyone.” It is the part that wants to stay alive that tells you about it. Respond to that part of the person and persistently seek out a mature and compassionate person with whom you can review the situation. (You can get outside help and still protect the person from pain causing breaches of privacy.) Do not try to go it alone. Get help for the person and for yourself. Distributing the anxieties and responsibilities of suicide prevention makes it easier and much more effective. From crisis to recovery. Most people have suicidal thoughts or feelings at some point in their lives; yet less than 2% of all deaths are suicides. Nearly all suicidal people suffer from conditions that will pass with time or with the assistance of a recovery program. There are hundreds of modest steps we can take to improve our response to the suicidal and to make it easier for them to seek help. Taking these modest steps can save many lives and reduce a great deal of human suffering. WARNING SIGNSConditions associated with increased risk of suicide Death or terminal illness of relative or friend. Divorce, separation, broken relationship, stress on family. Loss of health (real or imaginary). Loss of job, home, money, status, self-esteem, personal security. Alcohol or drug abuse. Depression. In the young depression may be masked by hyperactivity or acting out behavior. In the elderly it may be incorrectly attributed to the natural effects of aging. Depression that seems to quickly disappear for no apparent reason is cause for concern. The early stages of recovery from depression can be a high risk period. Recent studies have associated anxiety disorders with increased risk for attempted suicide. Emotional and behavioral changes associated with suicide Overwhelming Pain: pain that threatens to exceed the person's pain coping capacities. Suicidal feelings are often the result of longstanding problems that have been exacerbated by recent precipitating events. The precipitating factors may be new pain or the loss of pain coping resources. Hopelessness: the feeling that the pain will continue or get worse; things will never get better. Powerlessness: the feeling that one's resources for reducing pain are exhausted. Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, self-hatred, “no one cares”. Fears of losing control, harming self or others. Personality becomes sad, withdrawn, tired, apathetic, anxious, irritable, or prone to angry outbursts. Declining performance in school, work, or other activities. (Occasionally the reverse: someone who volunteers for extra duties because they need to fill up their time.) Social isolation; or association with a group that has different moral standards than those of the family. Declining interest in sex, friends, or activities previously enjoyed. Neglect of personal welfare, deteriorating physical appearance. Alterations in either direction in sleeping or eating habits. (Particularly in the elderly) Self-starvation, dietary mismanagement, disobeying medical instructions. Difficult times: holidays, anniversaries, and the first week after discharge from a hospital; just before and after diagnosis of a major illness; just before and during disciplinary proceedings. Undocumented status adds to the stress of a crisis. Suicidal Behavior Previous suicide attempts, “mini-attempts”. Explicit statements of suicidal ideation or feelings. Development of suicidal plan, acquiring the means, “rehearsal” behavior, setting a time for the attempt. Self-inflicted injuries, such as cuts, burns, or head banging. Reckless behavior. (Besides suicide, other leading causes of death among young people in New York City are homicide, accidents, drug overdose, and AIDS.) Unexplained accidents among children and the elderly. Making out a will or giving away favorite possessions. Inappropriately saying goodbye. Verbal behavior that is ambiguous or indirect: “I'm going away on a real long trip.”, “You won't have to worry about me anymore.”, “I want to go to sleep and never wake up.”, “I'm so depressed, I just can't go on.”, “Does God punish suicides?”, “Voices are telling me to do bad things.”, requests for euthanasia information, inappropriate joking, stories or essays on morbid themes. A WARNING ABOUT WARNING SIGNSThe majority of the population at any one time does not have many of the warning signs and has a lower suicide risk rate. But a lower rate in a larger population is still a lot of people - and many completed suicides had only a few of the conditions listed above. In a one person to another person situation, all indications of suicidality need to be taken seriously. __________________ Fall seven times, stand up eight When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on

 

Suicide--A Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem

A few days ago, I lost a dear friend who apparently took her own life.  I will preface this right now by saying losing someone to suicide is sadly not a new experience for me. My older brother Glenn killed himself 13 years ago. When the news comes, it's beyond shocking, and like any loss, it never really heals. Erin's death at her own hands is something a lot of people either don't want to discuss or can't wait to gossip about. I'm discussing it here because like so many of you, I'm grieving. I miss her. Why did she do it?  One thing I know for sure is, the more you try to get answers on the proverbial question, "WHY?" the more questions you will get. And you will be haunted forever as all those questions remain unanswered.

Although I didn't know her well, I have very fond memories of Erin Bray. She was my son's Forensics teacher, and it was his favorite class. We became friends the day I met her; I had brought several dozen doughnuts to her class for Ian's birthday. She was so bubbly, petite and pretty, and happy. We clicked instantly. Shortly after we became friends, my husband accepted the job here in Wisconsin. Our last day in Reedley, with streams of friends coming by all day to our home to say goodbye, Erin was the only one who stayed and helped us clean our house. She spent a whole afternoon on her hands and knees scrubbing our garage refrigerator. We laughed and chatted and got to know her. Now THAT is a good friend. We couldn't believe she wanted to spend her day getting black mold up to her elbows. She had fun and so did we.

Tim and I took a trip to San Francisco this past April to see a favorite musician in concert, and Erin happened to offer to drive up and have dinner with us! She was in Sacramento visiting family and said it was just a short trip for her. We had a wonderful dinner at the Stinking Rose and took a hilarious taxi trip all over San Francisco with a cabbie who turned our ride into a "Cash Cab" ride, making up questions for us to answer as if it were the TV show. We ended up at a Tarot Card reading, and all I can remember about what she said about Erin was that she was going to be very successful at a new career with people, because she was "so good with people". So true.  I wonder if the Tarot Card reader saw her real spirit, and saw that she was struggling inside emotionally. We'll never know. That was the last time I saw her.

She talked often about coming to see us here in Wisconsin. I offered to pay her plane fare to encourage her to come.  I knew that her leaving Reedley High was very hard on her and thought she needed an escape--a trip to see friends that would give her love and support and spoil her rotten with our home cooking and comfortable guest room for a few days. Sadly she never came. She went to Europe and posted many happy vacation pictures, smiling and clearly having the time of her life. She had just returned.

As far as I knew, my brother seemed to have it all. He had just graduated with honors from Cal State Fullerton with an MBA. He had a great job as a chemist. He owned his own home. He drove a brand-new sports car, had lots of money, and not being married, had all the freedom a guy could want. So, why would he kill himself?? Good question. I'm still searching for the answer.

When we received such horrifying news such as we received this week about Erin, the first thing we think is "why?". The second is, "what could I have done as her friend to stop her?" or "what could I have done as her friend to know she felt this way? How could I have been a better friend and saw it coming and helped her?" We are suffering now. Her pain is gone, and ours has begun.

I know that suicide prevention websites will tell you that most of the time, suicidal people DO leave "hints" that they're suicidal, and that we just don't realize it. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not, but it doesn't help us deal with our grief by suggesting that we overlooked something we could've done to prevent our friend or loved one from doing what they did. The people who write these "informative" things have a lot of experience with suicides, and yes, maybe now we will too. Even me, who's gone through this before, didn't see it coming with Erin. Maybe the signs were there, maybe they weren't, either for me or those closer to her. It's important to remember that she alone chose to cope with her pain by ending her life, and didn't reach out for help. IT'S NOT OUR FAULT.

Usually that's how a suicide happens. Suddenly, and out of the blue. TO US. We know now that my brother had been planning his suicide for at least a week if not longer. He left a lengthy suicide note on how he wanted to be buried; items he wanted with him; how to distribute his money, etc. His house was shockingly completely empty and looked like a hotel room. What did he do with all his stuff?? How long had he been planning this?? It appeared very methodical and organized. His wasn't a momentary, "I can't take this anymore" and impulsively shot himself. No, he planned it. Did we have any idea? No, we didn't. Had I gone over to his house though and saw he had no belongings anymore, I'd have at least had a clue something was amiss. Could I have prevented his suicide? Maybe I could've suggested he get help. Would he have acted on it instead of killing himself? Who knows. I know I'll never know. One of the hard questions I'll have forever to think about.

Yes, we all saw Erin's posts on Facebook that she was distraught over this James guy. Not being close to her, I don't know who he is or what he could've meant to her, or how upset she truly was over things with him. I wonder how he feels about this. Did he know her well? Did she reach out to him in her final moments? We'll never know. But it's not his fault either. We don't even know if her suicide had anything to do with him. We can't and shouldn't try to blame anyone. SHE CHOSE NOT TO GET HELP. We need to feel compassion and empathy for her pain, not chastise her. She sought relief in a desperate bid to end her pain.

Being a casual observer, it's easy to glean from her posts that she just had a really bad day. Facebook has a way of minimizing people's day-to-day problems. People tend to post only the good things that happen to them and either leave out the bad or minimize it. Take a good look next time you log on and you'll realize how sanitized everyone's posts are.  I've even seen people's posts about finding out they had cancer, or heart surgery, and it's always minimized. "I'm doing great!" they'll post, when honestly, they're besides themselves with depression. It's the old agage--when someone asks you, "how are you?" they don't really want you to say the truth. They'd rather you just say, "Fine, thanks, how about you?" The truth is scary, and it takes more time and energy to listen.

I do know one thing from all the posts on Erin's page since her death is that she was truly loved by so so many. Did she know this? Probably not. Had she known how many lives she touched that she'd be hurting so many people by ending her life? Probably not. Had all those posts come just a day before that if she needed a friend "just call me or text me" had prevented her from ending her life? Probably not.

None of us will ever know how despondent a person must become to end their life. We cannot truly comprehend the actions Erin took and I will never understand my brother's either, and it's been 13 years.  A choice was made that is irrevocable. I call it, "a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Because that's what it is.

As long as we're alive, we can change our circumstances. Erin and my brother had many people who cared about them and claim they would've come at a moment's notice had they called us and said, "I'm really depressed. I'm thinking about killing myself. Come sit with me and hold me." Who of us would really drop everything and be there for that person? Come on--be honest. We are all so f--ing busy we pooh-pooh one other's pain and crises for our own inconvenience.

I know some of you are already offended. Well, you should be. I'm trying to shake you up. I'm giving myself a slap in the face as I write this. We need to listen better, and be better friends to our friends and better relatives to our relatives. Maybe having 600 "friends" on Facebook is the problem--how can we possibly be "friends" to 600 people??? Can we call those "aquaintances" instead? If we aren't going to take our friendships seriously, we shouldn't call them "friendships". I have the rest of my life to think about what a lousy sister I was to my brother, that I didn't have a clue he was so depressed. Could I have saved him? Of course not. But I could've called him more often, and made more room in my life for him. I was busy with a new baby (Ian) and a part-time waitressing job and a husband and so I made excuses. At the very least, I might've been able to steer him towards professional therapy and we could've rallied around him to give him support. Hindsight, as they say, is 20-20.

BUT--that aside, my brother didn't let on when I did call him, or maybe I was too self-involved to really listen to what he wasn't saying. I know people who saw Erin just days before she did this and they are the most pained. No one said she seemed depressed. Maybe she was trying to cheer herself up with the friends that she did see in the days before she died. I'm sure they did. I'm sure she knew she was loved by a few, but that knowledge was overridden by her pain.

I believe a person takes their life under the following circumstances--#1, they are in great pain. Whether it's a lost love or financial circumstances, they are in great pain and want the pain to end. It's that unbearable to them. #2, they have lost hope. They have lost hope that they will ever feel better. The pain is so great and so unbearable, they have lost the ability to see beyond their present state, and #3, they are clinically depressed. Which is why if we can steer them towards therapy they might have had a chance. There are some great drugs out there now and with psychological help they might be able to feel better, which ultimately, can lead to better problem solving and eventually, being happy again. A suicidal person is not a person of bad moral character; they are depressed. Did you notice how grey everything looked the day you got the bad news about your friend's death? Everything else was suddenly superceded by your grief. Now, multiply that by 1000, and you might have an indication of how your loved one felt. Alone, suffering, and in great pain. Do you feel like you'll never stop crying over her? Do you feel tormented by the way she died, and that you will never again get to hear her laugh or have fun with her again? That's what hurts the most, she was so young and had so very much to live for.

That's it folks. And that's why we bear such guilt-- we feel as their friends and loved ones, we should've been able to help them see that there IS hope, that things CAN get better. We feel we could've prevented Erin or my brother from their suicides. I know we all feel that way. It's called "survivor guilt". For me, especially when my brother died, I was reluctant to talk about it. There is so much shame surrounding suicide, especially religious fanatics who will inflict further harm by declaring that the loved one will "go to hell for what they did." This does not help.

Talking with each other, supporting each other together DOES help. It helps to go over and over and over the last conversations and interactions we had with the loved one who ended their life, and trying to find the answer to "why". The "why" that will never be answered is the hardest part of the loss. Because there is no good answer. No matter what a person's circumstances, suicide should never be considered a solution. The person who dies doesn't ever really receive relief from the pain they're experiencing, and they've unwittingly inflicted great emotional harm to everyone around them who cares about them. I know I will never get over my brother's death, and the way he took his life and was found is too horrifying for me to deal with. Thinking about how he suffered, and how Erin suffered, is so painful all we can do is cry. Crying is necessary. Don't be afraid to cry.

And if you see a "cry for help" from a friend or loved one, act on it. Call that friend and talk to them. And if it's you that's considering suicide, call someone RIGHT NOW. There are people who care, even strangers. You are one-of-a-kind, you are unique, and you have a purpose here on Earth. We only get one life, and we deserve to be happy. You can be. There is hope.

I will miss you Erin. More than you know.

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-faqs.html