As we say goodbye to Halloween, hello to Thanksgiving and "OMG I have to start Christmas shopping!?", we Kuckelman's have been busy little bees getting ready for THE SNOW. Yes, we know it's coming. Last night Tim and I sat with our mouths gaping open, not breathing, watching the news report about the 8 inches of snow Minneapolis got overnight. Now, Minneapolis is not far away from us, five hours driving, an hour flight. This was a sign, not from the gods, but from hell, as in, "when hell freezes over". Now this isn't the first time we've seen people shoveling snow and scraping ice off their car windows. We've seen plenty of video of cars sliding on icy highways and watched something called "snow-blowers" on our TV screens from the warmth and comfort of our California house. But this time, it was different---this was happening in Minneapolis, yes--but in a matter of weeks, this will be us.
Last week we bought a new 4-wheel drive car, which I'm under the impression is nothing short of a tank and will protect me and my children from all dangerous driving conditions. (here's where you laugh). I had to take said new car back to the dealer to have a remote start installed. What is that you ask? It's a cute little remote control button that when you push it, your car automatically starts, without you in it. This is very popular out here, and soon I'll appreciate how neat a remote start really is--like when I'm pushing a 75-pound grocery cart from store to parking lot in a blizzard. That little button will magically warm up my car, inside and out, and literally save my life. (it won't, however, unload my bags--pronounced "bee-aggs", remember---into said car. I will still get covered in snow and my ears will freeze).
When I took the car in, I got a "loaner" car to drive. This loaner car belonged to the dealership, but was being driven by the salesman. He gave me the keys, and as I opened the door to get in, there was a very strange contraption in the back seat. It was a long, red stick, about 3 feet long, with a little squeegee thingy on one end. Next to it lay a pair of heavy winter gloves. Hmmm, I marveled to myself, what an interesting thingamajig. "....wonder what the heck that thing is!" I chuckled to myself and dismissed it as a "guy" thing, you know, some sort of stupid "guy" tool.
It came to me watching the news last night when I saw that some poor shmuck was using a long, red stick exactly like the one in my back seat!! He was scraping the ice off his car windows, and I swear it looked like he was getting a really intense workout. I was quickly adding up how many calories he might be burning, and thought, hmmm, maybe I can skip the gym if this happens to me. But then I thought, Oh My God, am I going to have to scrape ice off my car windows???? Add this to the list of things I thought I would never do.
And going the hardware store to buy one of these stupid ice scrapers is definitely on that list.
Our neighbors have been bugging us to get our own SnowBlower. Yeah, right, like we're REALLY going to go out at 5 am and blow our own snow off our driveway?? Pssshh right!! Not the California Kuckelman's!! Yes, we are smarter than that, silly Wisconsinites. We hired someone to do it for us!!! Yay!!! So, as we sleep, the Snow Blower Fairy will come to our humble abode and nicely get rid of all annoying and misplaced snow for us!! Ain't that amazing??? I am deeply grateful.
We had our first foray into snow last night, as we got what's called "snow flurries". Now, these are nothing like the McFlurry's you get at McDonald's. They are so NOT like McFlurry's, I honestly have no idea why they are called that. Jennifer and I got SO excited when we found out we were going to have "Snow Flurriess" we did a happy little dance around the kitchen. Then we realized we had no idea what "snow flurries" were so we had to Google "snow flurries" to find out.
It had been a cold rainy night when said Flurries were due, so with baited (and possibly garlic) breath, we kept gazing out the front door hoping for a glimpse. Yes!!! Finally said Flurries were falling from the sky!! We ran out the front door and did another little happy dance and hugged as we experience our very first snow together. I ran back into the house screaming, "IAN!!! COME QUICK!!! IT'S SNOWING!!!" Ian struts his manly strut towards the door in his usual outfit of wife-beater shirt and shorts, barefoot, and takes one look out the front door and grunts, "That's not real snow", annoyed, and turns and goes back in the house. Jennifer and I were nonplusssed and continued our happy Flurry dance. There weren't enough flurries to make any snowballs, and so we got bored and went inside too.
There's no snow in the immediate forecast, but that's good cuz it gives me time to accept that I've got to go buy a thingamajig-ice-scraper-thingy. And, actually hand over money for it, and keep it in my backseat.
Just in case.
Me
Me
Monday, November 15, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Sex, Deer, and Other Crazy Things About Wisconsin
Part of the fun of moving 1500 miles to a new place is making fun of just how different the new place is. We have been here in Wisconsin now 2-1/2 months, and although I think the hardest part is behind us (being new, finding our way around, getting lost every single day) each new day seems to smack me in the face somehow and remind me, Lauren, you're not in California anymore.
I was driving Ian to school at the usual 7:15 am time this past Monday, the day after Halloween, and we saw a subdivision that was already decorated for Christmas! Ian and I gasped and guffawed at the sight. "Wreaths and garlands up the day after Halloween? OMG" we clicked our tongues the rest of the drive at the ridiculousness of it all. I mean, we still have 2 skeletons hanging that we haven't taken down yet (ladder needed) and someone's already putting up wreaths and garlands?! What an atrocity! What happened to waiting till after Thanksgiving???
And it doesn't matter how long we live here, we will NEVER stop laughing at the way they talk here, especially at the grocery store. In California, you hear, "paper or plastic?" and here they say "paper or plastic bag?" but the bag has 2 syllables, more like "bee--agg". You have no idea how many times Tim has asked, "do I want a what??" and he truly has no idea what they're saying! It's the one accent I really can't imitate. It's just, well, odd.
*****
The next time you're driving on one of California's crazy freeways, say a small prayer for us Kuckelman's here in Wisconsin, because it's a miracle we're not dead yet. I have come to realize that California drivers are indeed some of the BEST drivers in the world. Stop laughing!!! You obviously haven't driven in Wisconsin before if you're laughing. I don't know what it is about them, but they don't get the whole, MOVE OVER INTO THE EMPTY LANE PLEASE SO I CAN MERGE ONTO THIS FREEWAY YOU IDIOT!!! This is what they'll actually do--they will drive in the outside lane where you need to go to merge onto the freeway and they will just stay where they are, completely blocking you out. They don't go a little faster to let you in, nor will they slow down to let you in, or move over to the EMPTY lane next to them to let you in! It's insane. You have no idea how many times Tim and I have almost gotten completely squeezed out and rolled down embankments. It's not funny.
The other completely irritating thing we've experienced is the constant highway construction that goes on during summer and fall months. Basically, 24/7 if the weather's permitting. They've been repaving the same 4 mile stretch of highway since we moved here, and today, the onramps were STILL closed so I had to take a detour to get Ian to school! (will they EVER be finished?????) I am so sick of seeing orange barrels!!! I actually accidentally hit one last week, guess how???? (pause for your answer.....)
YES!!!! TRYING TO MERGE ONTO THE FREEWAY!!!! Some jerk wouldn't let me in so I accidentally smacked one of those stupid orange barrels with my right rearview mirror. It snapped shut close to the car and I was so freaked out. I was happy that it hadn't done any damage after all--it just snapped back into place. WHEW!
I also don't think they like people from California. Tim didn't believe me when I told him how it seemed I kept getting tailgated. I had several rednecks in stupid Ford trucks with their stupid John Deere hats on try to run me over, honk their horns at me, and then swerve around me and flip me the bird. For doing what I ask you?? I have no idea! I mean, come on, you guys know me, you know how I drive. I usually go faster than everyone around me, I'm always late wherever it is I'm going. So for someone to tailgate me and get THAT irate at me really is beyond my understanding. I have concluded that it's because I have California license plates. I have been threatened, stared at, and seen the eyes roll and the fingers pointed from inside car doors going 65 mph. I have proof I'm right---we just bought a new car that has Wisconsin license plates, and guess what?? No one's tried to run me off the road. No roled eyes. We've become one of them. Hmmph.
***
Now, lastly, I have to say up front that I love deer. I don't get how hunting is such a big effing to-do out here. How Neanderthal! The first time we saw deer crossing the road in front of us, I was driving Ian to a friend's house, and a family of deer was crossing the road literally right in front of us. They absolutely came out of nowhere. Fortunately, I was in a 25 zone so I was going slow and had no trouble stopping quickly so I wouldn't hit them. Ian and I gazed at their beauty, and marveled at "how cool is it to see deer?" They floated across so quickly if you'd have blinked you'd have missed them. We then went along our merry way just mesmerized.
THEN----- we took a family trip to Kansas this weekend, yes, 10-ish long hours in the car (one way)and dozen of deer carcasses later, I'm scared of seeing any more Bambis. The first time I saw a dead deer off the side of the road, we all sighed and said collectively, "Awwww, poor thing", and the car got quiet as we all felt anger at how we city people have driven them from their native burroughs to the point that they cross dangerous roads in search of food. Evil evil humans!! How dare we???
Then Tim told me how it's not food that drives them to cross highways streaming with cars--it's SEX!! Seems the male deer are always chasing the female deer, and like most horny men, will risk life and limb (or should I say, all four limbs) to get a little action. So, what ends up happening is the male deer will be chasing the female, and she's scampers across the highway safely. I don't know why this is, it's just what Tim was told by someone who's an expert on this sort of topic. So the male (buck) is running after her, tongue wagging, saliva dripping everywhere, and he's not really paying attention to the cars whizzing by. He's looking at her cute little white tail, and BOOM he's dead. Doesn't even see it coming. Meanwhile, she's safely trotted off to the other side of the freeway, having a little nibble of grass on the other side, wondering, "why did Romeo stop chasing me? Oh well, must've been that pretty doe over there by the Kuckeman house-- he's been staying out late every night this week and I'll bet cha he's doing her". She doesn't give him another thought because her tail is so white and cute it's not long till another cute buck comes along and starts chasing after her. And so on it goes.
So the moral of this story is, if you see a deer daintily cross the road, please don't accelerate and think the coast is clear. A very aroused buck will soon appear in front of your headlights and you won't see his eyes because he's looking at the previous deer's tushie. There might even be two or three if she's really a hottie. Give the poor guys a break. They can't help themselves. It's just nature. And isn't nature beautiful?? Awwww........
I was driving Ian to school at the usual 7:15 am time this past Monday, the day after Halloween, and we saw a subdivision that was already decorated for Christmas! Ian and I gasped and guffawed at the sight. "Wreaths and garlands up the day after Halloween? OMG" we clicked our tongues the rest of the drive at the ridiculousness of it all. I mean, we still have 2 skeletons hanging that we haven't taken down yet (ladder needed) and someone's already putting up wreaths and garlands?! What an atrocity! What happened to waiting till after Thanksgiving???
And it doesn't matter how long we live here, we will NEVER stop laughing at the way they talk here, especially at the grocery store. In California, you hear, "paper or plastic?" and here they say "paper or plastic bag?" but the bag has 2 syllables, more like "bee--agg". You have no idea how many times Tim has asked, "do I want a what??" and he truly has no idea what they're saying! It's the one accent I really can't imitate. It's just, well, odd.
*****
The next time you're driving on one of California's crazy freeways, say a small prayer for us Kuckelman's here in Wisconsin, because it's a miracle we're not dead yet. I have come to realize that California drivers are indeed some of the BEST drivers in the world. Stop laughing!!! You obviously haven't driven in Wisconsin before if you're laughing. I don't know what it is about them, but they don't get the whole, MOVE OVER INTO THE EMPTY LANE PLEASE SO I CAN MERGE ONTO THIS FREEWAY YOU IDIOT!!! This is what they'll actually do--they will drive in the outside lane where you need to go to merge onto the freeway and they will just stay where they are, completely blocking you out. They don't go a little faster to let you in, nor will they slow down to let you in, or move over to the EMPTY lane next to them to let you in! It's insane. You have no idea how many times Tim and I have almost gotten completely squeezed out and rolled down embankments. It's not funny.
The other completely irritating thing we've experienced is the constant highway construction that goes on during summer and fall months. Basically, 24/7 if the weather's permitting. They've been repaving the same 4 mile stretch of highway since we moved here, and today, the onramps were STILL closed so I had to take a detour to get Ian to school! (will they EVER be finished?????) I am so sick of seeing orange barrels!!! I actually accidentally hit one last week, guess how???? (pause for your answer.....)
YES!!!! TRYING TO MERGE ONTO THE FREEWAY!!!! Some jerk wouldn't let me in so I accidentally smacked one of those stupid orange barrels with my right rearview mirror. It snapped shut close to the car and I was so freaked out. I was happy that it hadn't done any damage after all--it just snapped back into place. WHEW!
I also don't think they like people from California. Tim didn't believe me when I told him how it seemed I kept getting tailgated. I had several rednecks in stupid Ford trucks with their stupid John Deere hats on try to run me over, honk their horns at me, and then swerve around me and flip me the bird. For doing what I ask you?? I have no idea! I mean, come on, you guys know me, you know how I drive. I usually go faster than everyone around me, I'm always late wherever it is I'm going. So for someone to tailgate me and get THAT irate at me really is beyond my understanding. I have concluded that it's because I have California license plates. I have been threatened, stared at, and seen the eyes roll and the fingers pointed from inside car doors going 65 mph. I have proof I'm right---we just bought a new car that has Wisconsin license plates, and guess what?? No one's tried to run me off the road. No roled eyes. We've become one of them. Hmmph.
***
Now, lastly, I have to say up front that I love deer. I don't get how hunting is such a big effing to-do out here. How Neanderthal! The first time we saw deer crossing the road in front of us, I was driving Ian to a friend's house, and a family of deer was crossing the road literally right in front of us. They absolutely came out of nowhere. Fortunately, I was in a 25 zone so I was going slow and had no trouble stopping quickly so I wouldn't hit them. Ian and I gazed at their beauty, and marveled at "how cool is it to see deer?" They floated across so quickly if you'd have blinked you'd have missed them. We then went along our merry way just mesmerized.
THEN----- we took a family trip to Kansas this weekend, yes, 10-ish long hours in the car (one way)and dozen of deer carcasses later, I'm scared of seeing any more Bambis. The first time I saw a dead deer off the side of the road, we all sighed and said collectively, "Awwww, poor thing", and the car got quiet as we all felt anger at how we city people have driven them from their native burroughs to the point that they cross dangerous roads in search of food. Evil evil humans!! How dare we???
Then Tim told me how it's not food that drives them to cross highways streaming with cars--it's SEX!! Seems the male deer are always chasing the female deer, and like most horny men, will risk life and limb (or should I say, all four limbs) to get a little action. So, what ends up happening is the male deer will be chasing the female, and she's scampers across the highway safely. I don't know why this is, it's just what Tim was told by someone who's an expert on this sort of topic. So the male (buck) is running after her, tongue wagging, saliva dripping everywhere, and he's not really paying attention to the cars whizzing by. He's looking at her cute little white tail, and BOOM he's dead. Doesn't even see it coming. Meanwhile, she's safely trotted off to the other side of the freeway, having a little nibble of grass on the other side, wondering, "why did Romeo stop chasing me? Oh well, must've been that pretty doe over there by the Kuckeman house-- he's been staying out late every night this week and I'll bet cha he's doing her". She doesn't give him another thought because her tail is so white and cute it's not long till another cute buck comes along and starts chasing after her. And so on it goes.
So the moral of this story is, if you see a deer daintily cross the road, please don't accelerate and think the coast is clear. A very aroused buck will soon appear in front of your headlights and you won't see his eyes because he's looking at the previous deer's tushie. There might even be two or three if she's really a hottie. Give the poor guys a break. They can't help themselves. It's just nature. And isn't nature beautiful?? Awwww........
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