The Newsletter that caused my insanity is here!

Dear Readers,

Thank you for your requests that I publish it here. Hope you enjoy!

Love,

Lauren

                                                               *****************

                                                     Merry Christmas from the Kuckelman’s

As I sit down to write this holiday letter, I have to say, ‘I’m so proud of the four of us!”. This is our 2nd Christmas in Wisconsin. We picked up and moved 1800 miles away from family and friends to a “frozen tundra” where we knew not a single soul. So much has changed in one year.

Ian turned 16 in May and got his driver’s license in July! He is driving Tim’s old Honda Civic and he loves his independence.  Mom doesn’t have to drive him around anymore :(  He spent summer with his friends boating on the lake and working!  Ian got his first job! He’s a line-server at Q’doba, a Mexican fast food restaurant where he combines his love of money and available food. He spends his money on nutritional supplements, guitar strings and on his girlfriend. Ian became both a high school junior and a college freshman! He is enrolled at Carroll University taking Calculus 3 with mostly college sophomores and juniors. It’s his favorite class, and his “easiest”. Go figure. He’s still working out at the gym and has joined the weightlifting team at school. He had his first competition this week and placed 3rd overall out of 15 weightlifters in his division!! He can also bounce his pecs up and down and make us all laugh. Ian’s just a great kid and a complete joy to be around.

His little sister Jennifer is a 7th grader this year and turning into quite a lovely young lady. She is self-assured and happy, and is quite a social butterfly. She and her “posse” of girlfriends have sleepovers and make horrendous messes in the kitchen they call “baking”. They are an adorable group of friends and they are all so fun to be around. Jennifer is taking guitar as well. Three guitarists now in the family! She loves music and she has tried to teach me to “Dougie”  to the new Dubstep music trend. It’s not pretty. She’s attending school dances and loves her school. She likes how they all have lockers and the kids decorate them for each other’s birthdays. Jennifer still rides her beloved Poetry, who’s boarded about a mile away. She’s very much interested in fashion and design and she makes clothes by hand for her Barbies. Jennifer herself looks more beautiful than any model the way she tastefully wears her make-up and clothes, and all her friends let her do make-overs on them! She is a happy-go-lucky girl, a free-spirit and she is absolutely a joy to be around.

Tim has been Vice President of E-Commerce at Kohl’s now for one year, and we are so proud of him. We also love all the sales at Kohl’s and make sure we support him by shopping there as often as possible. He travels a lot to his warehouses during the week but we almost always have him home on weekends. Tim’s favorite things to do are making big breakfasts for the kids and their friends on Saturdays. We celebrated our 20th year since we met and our 18th wedding anniversary in April. We are still crazy about each other and love being home with the kids. For fun, we are in a band together--Tim rocks the guitar and sings, and I sing, and we love performing with our band, Rok Kandi. It’s something fun we get to do together; practicing and learning new songs. We also try to play tennis together on Sundays.

Like Ian, I got a job too! I started working in March as a part-time bartender at the gym we go to. It was my saving grace, as I finally started to make friends. I love my job as I get paid to talk to people. Perfect, huh?! I love weightlifting almost as much as Ian and I also started tennis lessons in summer. I have become addicted and play in a women’s league. I’ve been taking private vocal lessons for a year now, and my vocal coach has become a dear friend as well.  I’m also still the nutty animal girl who loves to feed the squirrels and chipmunks and cardinals. Tim calls their food “bait” for the cats.

We have adjusted to the weird weather here--summer is warm but not hot like Reedley was (much to Ian’s dismay) and there are a lot of thunderstorms. We like those. We all got to experience our very first blizzard in February and the kids got a snow day off from school--their very first! Wisconsin has become home for us now, especially since some very special family and friends have come to visit us--Randy, Inka and her twin daughters; and Tim’s mom Carolyn has come twice and she and Don are planning a trip soon. We love being near them and family in Kansas and have made the 10-hour drive twice.  It was great seeing everyone at Don’s 80th birthday party in August! Next--make a trip to Texas to see new grand-nephew baby Graham! With Ian driving now, Tim and I like to sit in the back seat. We have a beautiful guest room -we will spoil you rotten--just ask Inka- so please come see us!! We flew back to California last December to see my family and our friends. We miss so many dear friends and family in California and Kansas. We wish you all a happy healthy holiday season. We feel very blessed and are very grateful to have each and every one of you who is holding this newsletter in our lives.  

Love always and God bless, 

The Kuckelman’s

P.S. We are all on Facebook! If we are not already “friends” please add us so we can better keep in touch!

Proof That I'm Insane

A miracle happened today. It's only December 14th, and I mailed my Christmas cards today! I dropped them into the box outside the post office at approximately 8:57 a.m. this morning after dropping my daughter off at school. How is this a miracle, you may be wondering??

I love the ritual of Christmas cards. Ever since I was a kid; my parents used to get tons of Christmas cards every year when my dad still worked for the Herald Examiner. Back then, cards were more glamourous than they are today. They were mini works of art; beautiful Christmas landscapes filled with snow, beautifully decorated homes, all resounding with the peace and love of home and family. My mom would tape each one up just tilted every-so-slightly, equi-distant apart from one another, displayed on the coat closet door--in the living room--the first place you'd see it when you entered the room. I wasn't big enough to reach the top cards, but from my small stature I'd revel in the beauty of them as they glimmered in the light. I didn't recognize any of the names of course; I had no idea who any of these people were that were sending all these beautiful cards. I wanted to meet them. They were secret, magical mystical people my dad worked with at his secret, magical, mystical desk in some building somewhere in Los Angeles. It was all very exciting to a small child like me.

Is it any wonder I am just like my mother now with the whole Christmas card business?? I have taken over where she's left off. My parents have been retired for some time; the lovely Christmas cards they used to receive trickled off when my dad was laid off in 1975. In her hurt and dismay, my mother retorted that if they had been "real friends" the cards would still be coming. I didn't know what to do with that.

So here I am, many many years later, stressing myself out trying to get my Christmas cards out before they should actually say, "Happy Easter".  It's all self-induced. I know that. I can't help myself.

I used to do individual Christmas cards, you know, the boxed kind. I felt that a person's choice of a Christmas card said a lot about them, so I took great pains to choose boxed cards that reflected my personality, or rather, our personality as a family. I didn't really care for the religious ones or the Norman Rockwell artsy kind but rather the humorous ones, poking fun at either Santa or his reindeer--you know, the kind you love to get. A card that makes you laugh. That's me. I usually bought them around Thanksgiving, eager to get started. I'd usually do the envelopes first; the boring part. Then, one by one, I'd not only write "Love and God Bless, the Kuckelman's", but I'd write a mini-biography of our year in each one. We have moved so many times, and we have family and friends strewn all over the globe, and honestly, the only communication we have with some of them is the annual Christmas card tradition. Of course I was so worried I'd turn into one of those braggy moms and yes, I admit, I am. Hey, it comes with being a parent, and I'm so lucky to say I've got the kind of kids worth bragging about. Not every parent can say that. But the newsletter is only the beginning.

Don't forget the most important missing ingredient--the ultimate Christmas family photo.

We had a ritual for about ten years, since the year Ian was born, to have a professional sitting once a year. I'd happily schedule it for the Saturday BEFORE Thanksgiving, before the onslaught. I was so proud of myself. My husband would sulk and my toddlers would throw tantrums and I'd ignore their pleas for mercy and trudge us all into the photo studio year after year. I told them, "you'll thank me someday." (still waiting). But the year we stopped was the year the photos turned out absolutely frightening--I think they started hiring unqualified temporary workers for the holidays and I was mortified. I refused to pay for them and gave them back; bawling, I instructed them to just throw them in the trash. I resisted telling them what I REALLY thought of their skills as photographers.

So it became my duty to take our OWN perfect Christmas family photo every year! This was the beginning of the digital age, and it honestly couldn't have been more perfect timing. Instead of an expensive and angry family outing, we had an inexpensive and angry family afternoon trying to capture a harmonious photo of the four of us here at home. Last year was my favorite. Having just moved to Wisconsin from a lifetime of sunny California, I fantasized about a photo of the four of us standing by snowman we'd made ourselves. The snow obliged, but no one told me that Wisconsin snow is too soft to make into snowballs let alone snowmen. All dressed up for the picture and freezing in the frigid air, we were exhausted and my family was beyond annoyed with me. I settled for a pic of the four of us standing in our backyard, snow up to our ankles, taken by a little friend of my daughter's. It was dusk, and we ended up looking more of a silhouette. You couldn't really see our faces, no matter how hard I tried to Photoshop it. It was exasperating. Once again, self-induced. I realize this.

Doing this was so tedious, my Christmas cards never went out before Christmas Eve. It just took too damn long.  Between hand-writing each and every card and the pursuit of the perfect Norman Rockwell family photo, I got wise. Not only did I start writing a newsletter about 5 years ago, this year I didn't require my family to get together for a photo. Yes, it's been sad, sad defeat for me; we can't get all four of us together for even one picture a year. This year I decided I'd scroll through all the pictures on my computer from the year and find of of the four of us and use it, like many people do. We didn't take any vacations, so none there. I was saddened to realize there was not ONE photo of all four of us taken the entire year!!! So what the hell was I going to do?!!?! MAKE A PHOTO COLLAGE, THAT'S WHAT!!!!!

There were so many good pics to choose from, I actually made 2 collages. My husband shrieked at my insanity. "You can't send out two sheets of pictures!" he scolded me. "But I can't decide which ones to delete!" I shrieked back at him. I sighed a big huge sigh, and realized that if I made the pics really small I could fit them all on one sheet!! I was so happy!! Hahaha WINNING!!!!!!!

But my perfect plan hit a snag. I had all the envelopes made out in red Sharpie (festive yes?), actual Christmas stamps (some Hanukkah ones for the Jews in my family. Perfectionist here!), custom Christmas family address labels with our likeness (leftover from last year, thankfully we didn't move again), and cute little stickers on the backs of the envelopes. I sought and sought for the perfect newsletter paper to print them on--40 sheets for about $10.  I STUPIDLY BOUGHT EXACTLY THE AMOUNT THAT I THOUGHT I'D NEED. And lo and behold, wouldn't you know, after printing 20 perfect copies, the ink started to run out and ruined about 20 of the remaining sheets I had. I was distraught of course. Ruined!!! What was I to do?? I didn't have time to go all the way back to Office Max and buy more paper and with my luck, they'd be out of them anyway. So.....I looked and looked online for free borders for paper to make my own. Sure, they'll be different from the rest I'd already printed out, but I was okay with that. As long as they were festive. No boring plain paper for this girl!!! Well guess what?? There weren't any free ones. I am too cheap to even pay a dollar. And now it's December 13th. What was I willing to do?? Time is running out. I want to get these f***ing Christmas cards mailed NOW!!!!!!!

As I drove my daughter to school, went to the gym, and thought about the newsletters that still needed to be printed on my fantasy perfectly festive paper that was expensive and unattainable, I decided to make peace with PLAIN OLD WHITE PAPER. Yes, the bane of my existence--the proof that a person has absolutely NO imagination whatsoever---plain, old, boring, white printer paper.

I've made peace with myself over this. I think about the time and money I've saved, and I've made the best of a bad situation. Even though I was armed with enough replacement ink cartridges to furnish my daughter's school to avoid precisely what ended up happening because I got distracted. The ink ran out, and sparsely inked hieiogyphic ruined Christmas newsletter paper. I relented and used plain old boring white paper for the 25 or so newsletters left just to get them done. I stand accused, tried, and convicted. I sobbed quietly while folding them with my perfect collage into my perfectly addressed envelopes. I just somehow feel like I've let them down.

I gave myself a cheerful little pep-talk about how happy my friends and family will be to receive my newsletter and photo collage, and probably won't even notice the paper isn't Christmas-y. I know, I know, many of you will open the envelope and shriek, "HER NEWSLETTER IS ON PLAIN, OLD, BORING WHITE PAPER! DOESN'T SHE HAVE ANY IMAGINATION AT ALL?? JEEZ!!' And yes, I have to live with that.

And some of you won't even get one. In the move here, I can't find my Official Christmas Card Address List. I'm sorry. I really am. I hope you'll still send me a card so I can send you one back. There's still time!!

Those of you that got the Christmas-y newsletter paper know that you got the best I had to offer. The rest of you, my condolences. I hope you can see past this omission of character and forgive me.

At least I can brag that you got it before Easter.

Celebrities Who've Attempted Suicide--may surprise you

This shouldn't be as shocking as it first appears. As someone who's a suicide survivor (which doesn't mean I've attempted suicide myself--it means I have lost a loved one to suicide) it is interesting reading. We suicide survivors are always left with the "why" someone has tried to kill themselves; those who've attempted but didn't die can help us understand the mindset at the time of attempt.

In my opinion, it appears that loss of hope that circumstances will ever be better, combined with clinical depression, cause many suicide attempts. It's interesting to do further reading, and find out, "how did they climb out of their depression?", and "were they ultimately glad they didn't die?"

Here's the list. You can click on the link for reader comments.

A Surprisingly Long List of People Who’ve Attempted Suicide
by Sandy Wood - September 5, 2007 - 3:00 AM

   

 

I was surprised and saddened last week to read of the reported suicide attempt by actor Owen Wilson.Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums are staff favorites here, and we’re definitely hoping and wishing for Wilson’s full recovery. But as I started thinking about the comedy star, and mulling over the constant stress of his profession, it made me realize just how pervasive attempted suicide is among high-profile people. Here are some selected 20th century celebs who attempted suicide, but managed to turn their lives around:

Halle Berry – admitted to Parade magazine that, distraught over her failed marriage to baseball star David Justice, she tried to end her life by carbon monoxide poisoning.

Greg Louganis – depressed, abused and confused, Greg attempted suicide three times (including once by an aspirin-and-Ex Lax combo) after a knee injury at age 12 ruined his dream of becoming an Olympic gymnast. Luckily, he recovered, and made it to the Games as a diver.

James Stockdale – H. Ross Perot’s former running mate attempted suicide while a POW at Hoa Lo Prison in Vietnam in 1969 to avoid torture.

Donna Summer – tried to leap from an 11-story window at a New York hotel at the peak of her career in 1976, but was discovered by a housekeeper.

Drew Carey – after a rough childhood that included sexual molestation by an unknown party and his father’s death, the lovable Price is Right host attempted suicide twice in his teen years.

Mike Wallace – in a 2006 retrospective honoring his retirement as a 60 Minutescorrespondent, Wallace revealed a suicide attempt twenty years prior.

Paul Robeson – the “Ol’ Man River” vocalist tried to off himself by slashing his wrists in a Moscow hotel room in 1961, although his son (Paul Jr.) claims the event was caused by a CIA/FBI conspiracy that drugged him with LSD.

Elizabeth Taylor – hoped to end her life in February 1962 with an overdose of Seconal, although she said she did so only because she “needed to get away.”

Fred “Rerun” Berry – the What’s Happening!! star said he tried to kill himself three times prior to finding religion in 1984.

Robert Young – yes, even the Father Knows Best father fell victim to depression later in life, culminating in a 1991 attempt on his own life.

And an alphabetical list of some others: 

Maxene Andrews – survived after attempting suicide via a pill overdose in 1954, distraught over the breakup of the vocal group she’d formed with her siblings, The Andrews Sisters.

Adam Ant – tried to OD on pills in his early 20s after breaking up with his girlfriend.

Mary Astor – alcoholism led to a reported suicide attempt in 1951 with sleeping pills; she maintained it was an accident.

Tai Babilonia – attempted suicide after she became addicted to alcohol and amphetamines following her Olympic skating disappointment in 1980.

Drew Barrymore – after leaving drug rehab in 1989 at the age of 14, she tried to kill herself, but received treatment and successfully kicked the habit.

Brigitte Bardot – attempted suicide several times, first as a teenager. At 26, she downed a bottle of sleeping pills and slit her wrists, but recovered. “I took pills because I didn’t want to throw myself off my balcony and know people would photograph me lying dead below.”

Danny Bonaduce – made headlines by attempting suicide in 2005 during the filming of the reality showBreaking Bonaduce after his wife asked him for a divorce. Neither the attempt (nor the subsequent hospitalization) was shown on-screen.

Maria Callas – frustrated with her efforts to lure Aristotle Onassis away from then-wife Jackie Kennedy, she reportedly tried to OD on barbiturates in May 1970 (but later denied the attempt).

Martine Carol – thought that a triple-whammy of alcohol, drugs, and drowning would end her life when this French actress threw herself into the Seine at the age of 26. The cab driver who drove her there ended up saving her life.

Nell Carter – became addicted to cocaine and attempted suicide during the run of her hit TV show Gimme a Break.

Johnny Cash – in 1967, the “man in black” withdrew to a cave just north of Chattanooga, Tennessee, hoping to lose his way (and his life). He found his way out.

Gary Coleman – announced in 1993 that he had tried to commit suicide twice by taking sleeping pills.

Nadia Comaneci – while she denied it for years, the gymnastics legend was so stressed out (due to several factors, including her parents’ divorce) that she tried to end her life by drinking bleach just two years after her 1976 Olympics success.

Sammy Davis, Jr. – the biography Me and My Shadow reveals that a distraught Davis, fed up with cracks about his race, religion, and height, tried to kill himself on his wedding night by driving off a cliff.

Diana, Princess of Wales – told an interviewer that she threw herself down some stairs while pregnant with William, hoping to put an end to her unhappiness.

Walt Disney – the Leonard Mosley biography Disney’s World reveals a rumored suicide attempt.

Micky Dolenz – performed a suicide scene in The Monkees’ 1968 film Head, then tried it for real a few years later after the band had broken up by walking into traffic and sitting down in the roadway.

Patty Duke – bipolar disorder resulted in several attempted suicides during her life.

Eminem – tried to overdose on Tylenol in 1996 after wife Kim Mathers dumped him. She attempted suicide four years later by slitting her wrists.

Marianne Faithfull – attempted suicide in Australia 1969, after which she broke up with boyfriend Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones.

Peter Fonda – in 1950, a few months after his mother committed suicide, the 10-year-old shot himself in the stomach. Claims it was “stupid and accidental,” but some believe it was the youngster’s attempt at taking his own life.

Clark Gable – hoped to die during a high-speed motorbike rampage shortly after wife Carol Lombard was killed. He then joined the Army and flew missions over Germany during World War II.

Stan Getz – the celebrated saxophonist became addicted to heroin and tried to kill himself with a drug overdose in 1954 when police confronted him over an ill-fated attempt to rob a Seattle pharmacy. He spent three days in a coma.

Dwight “Doc” Gooden – in 1994, the troubled former Cy Young Award winner held a 9mm pistol to his head before his wife took it from him.

Ken Griffey, Jr. – in 1988, just months after signing a lucrative pro baseball contract, the 18-year-old ingested over 200 aspirin to escape insults from fans and arguments with his father. He recovered after time in intensive care.

Mariette Hartley – attempted suicide (as did her mother) after her father died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound in 1962. Now an advocate for suicide prevention.

Susan Hayward – the breakup of marriage to Jess Barker, and the related custody battle for her sons, led to a 1966 suicide attempt.

Houston – the R&B singer was stopped after he tried to throw himself out of a hotel window in 2005, and then gouged out his own eye. Reports vary as to the reason behind this behavior.

Betty Hutton – her father killed himself after leaving her mother. In 1970, Betty tried to take her own life when her singing voice faltered.

Michael Jackson – in June 2005, a bogus, trojan-laced email reporting on a suicide attempt by the “king of pop” (just before he was found not guilty) infected computers worldwide. While that report was false, some sources claim Jackson did try to off himself that December.

Billy Joel – after the failure of his band Attila, attempted suicide in late 1970 by drinking furniture polish. “It looked tastier than bleach,” he later revealed.

Elton John – tried to kill himself by sticking his head in a gas stove, but writing partner Bernie Taupin found him “lying on a pillow, and he’d opened all the windows.” The two collaborated on the song “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” to tell the story.

Sally Kirkland – the actress spent her 20s mired in drugs until a suicide attempt literally scared her straight.

Shelley Long – despite tabloid reports that her 2004 overdose on painkillers was a suicide attempt, the Cheers star claims she simply overmedicated herself in order to cope with the breakup of her marriage to Bruce Tyson.

Ginger Lynn – at the age of 12, the future porn star ingested a cocktail of medications to escape from her mother’s constant abuse.

Jeanette MacDonald – tried to overdose on pills after learning of Nelson Eddy’s marriage in 1939; was saved by W.S. Van Dyke (who later killed himself).

Mindy McCready – the country singer announced in 2005 that she had twice attempted suicide due to problems with boyfriend William McKnight, who had once nearly choked her to death.

Robert McFarlane – the National Security Advisor tried to end his life in 1987 over his involvement with the Iran-Contra scandal. He took an estimated 30 tablets of Valium.

Sinéad O’Connor – claims to have been haunted by thoughts of suicide her whole life. Reportedly attempted it in 1993, and then swallowed 20 Valium tablets in a failed 1999 suicide attempt.

Jennifer O’Neill – first attempted suicide at the age of 14, and then “accidentally” shot herself in the stomach in 1983, but recovered.

Ozzy Osbourne – not only did he supposedly inspire self-slaughter with the song “Suicide Solution,” but Ozzy admits to having attempted to off himself several times during his life, even as a teenager.

Marie Osmond – The National Enquirer reported that the singer’s hospitalization in the summer of 2006 was due to an attempted suicide, but she and her publicists wrote it off to a reaction to medication.

Terrell Owens – the volatile NFL star denied a September 2006 report that he’d tried to kill himself by overdosing on prescription painkillers he had been taking for a broken finger.

Charlie Parker – the jazz legend known as “The Bird” wanted to end his life in 1954, but failed in two attempts. He was then admitted to the Bellevue clinic, where he received much-needed therapy.

Barbara Payton – in a love triangle with Franchot Tone and Tom Neal, she ingested several sleeping pills in an attempt on her own life, but was discovered by Tone. (See Jean Wallace entry below.)

Dennis Price – consumed by alcohol, the tall British actor left the gas on in his oven at his London apartment in 1954. A servant found him and summoned help.

Richard Pryor – later admitted that the fire that injured him while free-basing cocaine in June 1980 was really a suicide attempt.

Martha Raye – after breaking up with husband David Rose, she went into a depression and took an overdose of sleeping pills in 1956, but recovered.

Nina Simone – the singer attempted suicide due to depression and a sense of helplessness after being attacked in London during the mid-1970s.

Britney Spears – earlier this year, tabloid headlines claimed that the pop diva had experienced a breakdown and tried to kill herself twice, first by walking into traffic, then by ODing on Xanax.

Tina Turner – in her biography I, Tina, she revealed a failed suicide attempt in 1968.

Mike Tyson – in September 1988, the then-undisputed heavyweight champion crashed his car into a tree in what the New York Daily News described as a suicide attempt.

Vanilla Ice – in 1994, less than five years from the peak of his success, the depressed rapper twice tried to kill himself.

Jean Wallace – the actress hoped to end her life with sleeping pills in 1946 while married to Franchot Tone, then by stabbing herself in 1949 after their divorce.

Tuesday Weld – began drinking at a young age and attempted suicide at the tender age of 12 by ingesting aspirin, sleeping pills, and a bottle of gin. “I had fallen in love with a homosexual and, when it didn’t work out, I felt hurt.”

Hank Williams, Jr. – the combination of drugs and alcohol abuse led to a suicide attempt in early 1974.

Brian Wilson – some sources claim the Beach Boys genius tried to kill himself in the mid-1980s, a low point from which he has since rebounded.

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One-size-does-not-fit-all

I was just reading an article in today's Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel business section about health club membership prices and the competition between gyms here locally for new and existing members. In the Milwaukee area, it reported that approximately 22.4% of residents belonged to a gym in 2010.  Then it goes on to talk about  how a new gym that has opened recently is only charging $10 to join and how that affects the other gyms.

I got stuck on the "22.4%" and did a little more math and came up with 77.6% of residents in Milwaukee did NOT have a gym membership in 2010!! I wonder if the people that do these statistics ever stop to ask people WHY they don't belong to a gym?! Hmm??

Well, I'm here to answer the question for you. First of all, since I moved here to Wisconsin, I'm shocked the number is so low. Why? Because the weather sucks here for like 9 months out of the year. (Ok, make it 10. Even in summer, it's usually raining). Exercising outdoors here is really not an option most of the year, so I'm shocked the number isn't the other way around. Kind of answers the question about why many Wisconsinites are overweight....) I'm a runner, or at least I used to be when I lived in California. I ran year-round. I mean, when the coldest it's going to get is in the 40's, running outdoors is a pleasurable thing to do. I love it. I love the early morning smells in the spring and summer, and the crisp fresh air in the winter. In fall, I love crunching the fallen leaves as I run. I think in the whole year I've lived here in Wisconsin, I've run less than 8 times outdoors. It's just not pleasurable.

So--how does a person find a gym to join when their are so many to choose from? Well, it's really an individual choice. Just like buying underwear. One size does not fit all. What are your fitness goals? Are you the kind of person that likes to exercise alone or in a group setting, or with just one other person? Do you even know? What is your fitness level right now? What's your work/school/child care schedule like? 

Those of you that know me know that I've become a gym rat- I live there. I work at a gym, I work out at least 5 days a week. I gave up running for the most part, only because I really hate treadmills. I feel like a mouse on a wheel. I became a certified Spin instructor a year ago only to realize Spinning here is really "cycling" and it's for road bikers. Bleh. I know--I should give it another try and maybe I will. But I got bitten by the tennis bug and it's not only great cardio but I made friends too and joined a league and now compete.  It's so much fun and terribly addicting. I have become a tennis whore and will play anyone who'll play me. On alternating days, I lift weights. My triceps are my best asset now. (Who'd have thunk?)

Why is it only 22.4% of people here going to the gym? What are they doing to stay in shape? Well, many of them aren't, and many people have exercise equipment in their homes. And like many people, when the weather gets too bad, I've got my Pilates DVD I do in my bedroom. And don't forget, crunches can be done anywhere. 

Is it the cost of gyms that keep people away? Or could it be something else? I have almost always belonged to a gym. What I look for in a gym seems to change from time to time, but I adapt. I don't switch gyms often, although I have done so. Is there an "ultimate" gym? And if there was, how much would you be willing to pay to join it?

Ian, my son, and I and one of his friends have this conversation on a regular basis, as we are planning on opening our own gym in the future. Here are some of the things we've come up with that being gym rats ourselves, we find important in a good gym:

1. CLEAN--the gym has got to be clean. It needs to not only LOOK clean, but BE clean. When you're running on a treadmill, with nothing to look at besides either a wall or a TV screen, you tend to notice the build-up of sticky lint along the edges. Yuk.

2. ATTRACTIVE WORKERS/OTHER MEMBERS--do not laugh at this! You know you notice. Maybe it's not important to you but subliminally, you notice. Whether or not you're single or not, the attractiveness of the people around you either inspire you or they don't.

3. NEW AND LATEST IN EQUIPMENT--my son and his friend have become experts on weightlifting equipment. A little Internet research on what's latest and greatest and safest and if a gym has outdated equipment, who'd want to go there?

4. FREE STUFF--this you really won't find everywhere, but we think it's important.  My gym has complimentary soaps, deodorant spray and hairspray! Another gym I used to belong to had the right idea--every time you checked in, it counted your attendances and when you got to a certain number, you'd get a free 1/2 hour massage, or sports drink, or membership to a special class. Great idea. Kind of like punching a smoothie card--buy 10 and get one free. Cool!!! 

5. PERSONAL TRAINERS THAT KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT--this is a big one. If you're a newbie and don't know any better, you tend to take what they say as gospel. I've seen and heard many give bad advice, dangerous even. The trainers at the gym I go to are certified and they DO know what they're talking about, but it's not like that everywhere. 

6. FUN CLASSES--this is my area of 'expertise". Are the classes not only conveniently timed, but are they FUN?? I know many that are NOT fun. They are boring and hard and you have to force yourself to go. Why do they keep these instructors??? It baffles me. For the most part, the instructors at my gym love what they do and it shows in their enthusiasm.  But personally, counting off seconds or minutes or pretending we are climbing hills when we have never biked outside in our lives (except with our children) is NOT fun. Sweating in public, especially in a group, should be fun. And no over-crowding. If a class is so popular you can't move without getting swatted in the eye, they need to have more classes.

7. NICE LOCKER ROOMS--One gym I used to belong to had these pretty little individual vanity desks that resembled backstage dressing rooms like celebrities use.  All the lockers actually worked. And another one had this hideous greenish-blue stained carpet that was about 100 years old and disgusting. If you are afraid to be barefoot--let alone naked--in a locker room, it doesn't matter how nice the employees are. Yuk. 

8. THE LITTLE THINGS--It's the little things that add up to make it or break it as a successful gym. Do they sell healthy snacks and sports drinks? Are they reasonably priced? Do they offer free training when you join? Do they have nutritional counseling? Do you like the way the towels smell? Does the staff seem happy and do they treat you well? Are they nearby? Do you like their hours of operation? Do you feel welcomed? Do you like the house music? Are people friendly? What are the other members like? Do you feel safe in the parking lot? Do you enjoy the classes? I'm sure there are more "little things" that I missed, but if you don't belong to a gym right now, I'm sure you can elaborate for me.

The bottom line is, gyms are big business, and they need you. Without you, they can't survive. Like most businesses, they want to please you. With so many gyms available, what is it that makes YOU want to join, keep going, or quit? Because staying healthy is really every single person's goal, or it should be. You don't have to want to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger to work out at a gym, nor desire the biceps of Demi Moore. Most gyms offer a free one-week trial membership to get you to join--so think about what's important to YOU before you plunk down your credit card.

And remember--exercise should be fun, and consistency is the key to accomplishing your fitness goals.

You can do it!

I know you can.

Now get out there and sweat!!!

Why I'm agnostic--Wisconsin style

According to our local newspaper today (the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel), "there are two religions in Wisconsin--Green Bay Packers, and deer hunting." Guess that makes me agnostic.

The front page story had a picture of a hunter crouching next to the nine-point buck he'd just killed. A beautiful, large antlered male deer. It sickened me. What a thing to look at over my morning coffee. I was nauseated.

Being a California girl, born and bred for oh, 30+ some years, I had never seen a real live deer. Once, on a family reunion trip to San Antonio, Texas, we not only saw some deer but fed them. It was amazing. Up close, they are as beautiful as they looked in pictures. Sweet, dark brown eyes, long eyelashes, darling little white fluffy tails, and they are one of the most gentlest creatures on the planet. They attack nothing and fear everything.

So, when we moved here to Wisconsin and heard the stories of all the deer that lived in our area, I was very excited. I couldn't wait to see a real live deer! And lo and behold, we have had some in our backyard. One more than one occasion, we've had deer in our backyard. Deer sightings here are always preceded with insane barking by our dog, who thinks they're other dogs that have come into our yard.  (Of course we don't let him out!) The first time was the most magical--a doe (mommy deer) and her baby (fawn). The white spots on the baby were so cute. It got excited by something and started to leap into the air, bucking like a horse for no apparent reason. Other times, the deer just slowly walk through our yard, grazing on the grass and bushes, disappearing into the brush into a neighbor's yard. It's like a UFO sighting--I run and get my iPhone and take a bunch of pictures because they're usually gone in less than 30 seconds. I gasp and send the pics to my family back in California. I post them to my Facebook.

Little did I realize how much people here hate deer. Live here long enough, and you're bound to have a horror story to tell about how you either hit a deer driving or it hit you. And nearly killed you. Bambi lovers such as myself are a joke.

I'm not going to give statistics here, because I really don't give a shit what the numbers are. You can tell me all about how the deer overpopulate here and how killing them is good for them and all. One thing the good ol' Milwaukee Journal educated me on in their article today is how much money gun manufacturers and bow and arrow people make this time every year. Not to mention money made on hunting licenses, and all those really dorky camouflage outfits. It's big business.

What I really don't get is how this is first of all a sport, and second, a "family tradition", as discussed in the article. This is something families do together??? A "bonding" experience?? Killing beautiful defenseless animals?? This horrifies me.

Our family plays tennis together. Or we rent a movie from Redbox and make popcorn, or play board games. No one has to die in order for us to bond together. I really can't imagine going out and spending precious money on rifles and bullets and driving out to where we could hunt down a precious deer and shoot and kill it. And then what? Celebrate? Carry it home with us? Eat it for God's sake? Put its head up as an ornament over the pool table? How did killing become a "sport"?? Tennis is a sport. No one dies. Killing animals is not a sport. It's not a competition. The deer don't have a chance.

I was horrified when I heard a co-worker tell me he "just missed" killing a nine-point buck. I don't even know what "nine-point" means, and don't bother explaining it to me. I'm assuming it describes some sort of system where 9 is higher that 2, duh, it's probably a more rare type of deer and if you shoot one, you're more of a hero. Whoop-de-do.

I have never seen a buck. If one walked through my backyard, I sure wouldn't have the urge to grab a gun and kill it!!! I'd be marveling at its awesome antlers, and how if there was a daddy, hopefully there'd be more babies soon. I just don't have the desire to end its life.

People that I have otherwise liked have turned out to be deer hunters, and I just can't reconcile it. I wonder what kind of a person finds joy in this. I'm not being facetious. I am serious. It has made me honestly re-think some of my friendships. I just can't fathom the thought of these otherwise really nice and enjoyable people holding rifles in their hands and stalking and murdering beautiful deer.

I have often said that if I had to hunt down and kill my own meat, I'd be a vegetarian. There's no way I could look an animal in the eyes and shoot it. Unless I was literally starving, like on a desert island or something. It comes homogenized and wrapped in plastic in the store, and yes, that makes me a hypocrite but at least I'm willing to admit it. I have never killed anything for food, and if you have, that still doesn't make it something to brag about. How can killing something, whether it be a deer or quail or ducks be something to get excited about?? And the state I now reside in considers deer hunting to be a "religion"?? Wish I could just click my heels and go back to California.

Oh, and that other religion, the Packers? I do know some die-hard Packer fans. You have no idea. At this writing, they're 10-0 and they did win  the Super Bowl last year. AND it's REALLY a sport!!!

At least no one's being shot with a rifle.

An open letter to my suicidal friends--get help now!!

Dear Suicidal Friends,

It is with great empathy and a heavy heart that I write you today. I have never been in your shoes, so I will not belittle your pain as if to say, "I know how you feel." I don't know how you feel. And anyone who tries to "cheer you up" by saying, "get over it", clearly has no idea how you feel either. What I do know is, suicide is not the answer.

I realize you are in great pain and want the pain to go away.  Those of us who have not walked in your shoes cannot fathom how you feel right now. But--choosing suicide is a cowardly act. SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM. It's giving up on yourself.  You are basically saying, "I've tried everything to feel better, and nothing is working."

Have you tried everything you can to feel better? Have you? Do your closest friends and family truly know how you feel? I believe it's because suicidal people have a chemical imbalance. Think of it this way--how do you feel when you're in love? The whole world is rosy. The sky is bluer, the grass is greener, food tastes better, and you walk with a spring in your step. You have all those wonderful endorphins rushing through your system. I guess feeling suicidal is the flip side of that. Everything is gray, everything is harder, everything becomes a great effort. You can't just "cheer yourself up." 

Feeling the way you do is not shameful. Asking for help is not shameful. I know that you are a great friend to YOUR friends--if they came to you and said, "hey, I'm not doing so well, I may hurt myself," what would you do? You'd be there for them. You'd rush to their side, take them for coffee, hold them in your arms. You'd listen and talk and be there for them. You are there for YOUR friends, now let them be there for YOU. 

I have a friend who is suicidal and has actually attempted suicide at one point in her life. She is still not out of the woods. It scares me to think I will get a phone call like the one I got about my friend Erin, and my brother. It is a helpless feeling to know our words are ignored because of the dark cloud that obscures rational thought at a time when you need it most. Your friends are rational and can see beyond your pain. Please let them help you!!

When a friend or family member responds to your cries for help, I'm begging you to give them a chance to help you. If you died today, or tomorrow, we will blame ourselves for not being a better friend. I know you don't have the energy to deal with OUR pain, but if I can stop and make you see just for a second how loved your really are, even if you don't feel lovable, you will allow someone to hold your hand through this. 

If possible, take a walk. Get outdoors. Bundle up if you have to, and just talk a slow walk. Take deep breaths and really take in the scenery around you. Listen to the birds. Listen to the cars rushing by. Listen to a train's horn. Pick up a leaf and marvel at how perfect it is. Listen to your heartbeat--the wonderful pumping of blood that is keeping you alive. You, like the leaf, like the birds, like the sky. 

are a one-of-a-kind marvelous creation. It's my hope that you will feel better, even a little bit. You know why? You will get those endorphins going, and we need all the feel-good hormones we can get.  Or play some music that makes you feel like dancing--even if you don't feel like dancing. I truly believe music can help. 

I'm a runner. I started running when my BFF found out she had Stage 4 breast cancer. I ran because she couldn't. I felt guilty I was healthy and she was sick. I found myself crying as I began my run, thinking about how she was getting chemo while I was out in the sunshine. By the time I got home, I had cried it all out and was ready to call her and be a good friend. This went on for months. She is cancer-free now, and I'm still running. Getting outside in the fresh air helps me. Maybe it'll help you.

There are more laughs to be had, more love to be in your life, if you let it. Please choose life, and get help. Call a friend, go to the hospital, call a hotline. We all want you to be around as long as possible, and we want you to be happy. You CAN get there. Lean on someone you trust, even if it's a stranger. Because we care. Please call someone today. 

If you, or someone you know, is in suicidal crisis or emotional distress please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

I love you,

Lauren

P.S. Some websites to turn to:

http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Have-Attempted-Suicide/32285

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/

http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=1

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What can I do to help someone who is suicidal? Take it seriously. Myth: “The people who talk about it don't do it.” Studies have found that more than 75% of all completed suicides did things in the few weeks or months prior to their deaths to indicate to others that they were in deep despair. Anyone expressing suicidal feelings needs immediate attention. Myth: “Anyone who tries to kill himself has got to be crazy.” Perhaps 10% of all suicidal people are psychotic or have delusional beliefs about reality. Most suicidal people suffer from the recognized mental illness of depression; but many depressed people adequately manage their daily affairs. The absence of “craziness” does not mean the absence of suicide risk. “Those problems weren't enough to commit suicide over,” is often said by people who knew a completed suicide. You cannot assume that because you feel something is not worth being suicidal about, that the person you are with feels the same way. It is not how bad the problem is, but how badly it's hurting the person who has it. Remember: suicidal behavior is a cry for help. Myth: “If a someone is going to kill himself, nothing can stop him.” The fact that a person is still alive is sufficient proof that part of him wants to remain alive. The suicidal person is ambivalent - part of him wants to live and part of him wants not so much death as he wants the pain to end. It is the part that wants to live that tells another “I feel suicidal.” If a suicidal person turns to you it is likely that he believes that you are more caring, more informed about coping with misfortune, and more willing to protect his confidentiality. No matter how negative the manner and content of his talk, he is doing a positive thing and has a positive view of you. Be willing to give and get help sooner rather than later. Suicide prevention is not a last minute activity. All textbooks on depression say it should be reached as soon as possible. Unfortunately, suicidal people are afraid that trying to get help may bring them more pain: being told they are stupid, foolish, sinful, or manipulative; rejection; punishment; suspension from school or job; written records of their condition; or involuntary commitment. You need to do everything you can to reduce pain, rather than increase or prolong it. Constructively involving yourself on the side of life as early as possible will reduce the risk of suicide. Listen.Give the person every opportunity to unburden his troubles and ventilate his feelings. You don't need to say much and there are no magic words. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it. Give him relief from being alone with his pain; let him know you are glad he turned to you. Patience, sympathy, acceptance. Avoid arguments and advice giving. ASK: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” Myth: “Talking about it may give someone the idea.” People already have the idea; suicide is constantly in the news media. If you ask a despairing person this question you are doing a good thing for them: you are showing him that you care about him, that you take him seriously, and that you are willing to let him share his pain with you. You are giving him further opportunity to discharge pent up and painful feelings. If the person is having thoughts of suicide, find out how far along his ideation has progressed. If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave him alone. If the means are present, try to get rid of them. Detoxify the home.  Urge professional help. Persistence and patience may be needed to seek, engage and continue with as many options as possible. In any referral situation, let the person know you care and want to maintain contact. No secrets. It is the part of the person that is afraid of more pain that says “Don't tell anyone.” It is the part that wants to stay alive that tells you about it. Respond to that part of the person and persistently seek out a mature and compassionate person with whom you can review the situation. (You can get outside help and still protect the person from pain causing breaches of privacy.) Do not try to go it alone. Get help for the person and for yourself. Distributing the anxieties and responsibilities of suicide prevention makes it easier and much more effective. From crisis to recovery. Most people have suicidal thoughts or feelings at some point in their lives; yet less than 2% of all deaths are suicides. Nearly all suicidal people suffer from conditions that will pass with time or with the assistance of a recovery program. There are hundreds of modest steps we can take to improve our response to the suicidal and to make it easier for them to seek help. Taking these modest steps can save many lives and reduce a great deal of human suffering. WARNING SIGNSConditions associated with increased risk of suicide Death or terminal illness of relative or friend. Divorce, separation, broken relationship, stress on family. Loss of health (real or imaginary). Loss of job, home, money, status, self-esteem, personal security. Alcohol or drug abuse. Depression. In the young depression may be masked by hyperactivity or acting out behavior. In the elderly it may be incorrectly attributed to the natural effects of aging. Depression that seems to quickly disappear for no apparent reason is cause for concern. The early stages of recovery from depression can be a high risk period. Recent studies have associated anxiety disorders with increased risk for attempted suicide. Emotional and behavioral changes associated with suicide Overwhelming Pain: pain that threatens to exceed the person's pain coping capacities. Suicidal feelings are often the result of longstanding problems that have been exacerbated by recent precipitating events. The precipitating factors may be new pain or the loss of pain coping resources. Hopelessness: the feeling that the pain will continue or get worse; things will never get better. Powerlessness: the feeling that one's resources for reducing pain are exhausted. Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, self-hatred, “no one cares”. Fears of losing control, harming self or others. Personality becomes sad, withdrawn, tired, apathetic, anxious, irritable, or prone to angry outbursts. Declining performance in school, work, or other activities. (Occasionally the reverse: someone who volunteers for extra duties because they need to fill up their time.) Social isolation; or association with a group that has different moral standards than those of the family. Declining interest in sex, friends, or activities previously enjoyed. Neglect of personal welfare, deteriorating physical appearance. Alterations in either direction in sleeping or eating habits. (Particularly in the elderly) Self-starvation, dietary mismanagement, disobeying medical instructions. Difficult times: holidays, anniversaries, and the first week after discharge from a hospital; just before and after diagnosis of a major illness; just before and during disciplinary proceedings. Undocumented status adds to the stress of a crisis. Suicidal Behavior Previous suicide attempts, “mini-attempts”. Explicit statements of suicidal ideation or feelings. Development of suicidal plan, acquiring the means, “rehearsal” behavior, setting a time for the attempt. Self-inflicted injuries, such as cuts, burns, or head banging. Reckless behavior. (Besides suicide, other leading causes of death among young people in New York City are homicide, accidents, drug overdose, and AIDS.) Unexplained accidents among children and the elderly. Making out a will or giving away favorite possessions. Inappropriately saying goodbye. Verbal behavior that is ambiguous or indirect: “I'm going away on a real long trip.”, “You won't have to worry about me anymore.”, “I want to go to sleep and never wake up.”, “I'm so depressed, I just can't go on.”, “Does God punish suicides?”, “Voices are telling me to do bad things.”, requests for euthanasia information, inappropriate joking, stories or essays on morbid themes. A WARNING ABOUT WARNING SIGNSThe majority of the population at any one time does not have many of the warning signs and has a lower suicide risk rate. But a lower rate in a larger population is still a lot of people - and many completed suicides had only a few of the conditions listed above. In a one person to another person situation, all indications of suicidality need to be taken seriously. __________________ Fall seven times, stand up eight When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on