"Just Do It" and other silly notions about resolutions

Happy New Year! Welcome 2012! Fresh slate; a brand-new year has begun. The annual tradition of resolution-making is well under way for many people. I've had the same resolution year after year after year, that still hasn't been crossed off my to-do list. I can't tell you what it is because you will tell me, "Just Do It", like the Nike slogan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, if it were that easy, I'd have done it by now. And that's the thing about resolutions--we make hard ones we are unlikely to keep.

What if we were to make resolutions like my friend revealed to me the other night: "eat less pasta." Now that's one she can probably accomplish with little self-injury. How about a resolution to "watch more TV"? If you're someone like me who can never stop moving, this is actually an improvement to my quality of life. My children rarely see me in other than upright and erect, fastly moving like a vacuum cleaner. How about, "I resolve to step over toys, dirty clothes and other clutter without cussing." That would be a good one for me. I could possibly do this. (We could also make a resolution to pick up after ourselves so I wouldn't have to even make that cussing resolution in the first place, but I'm just as much a slob as my children are. Tim is excluded from this. Poor guy is the neatnik in the family. His resolution would probably be similar--step over clutter, refrain from cussing, and refrain from picking up after us once again). 

Here's another resolution I bet most people could make and keep--"Text people back ASAP." It's frustrating to write people and they don't respond. FOR DAYS. Now notice I didn't say anything about phone calls. That's a trickier one. Phone calls interrupt more and I know for a fact that I can't just call someone and talk for 10 minutes; it's like going into Target and not spending at least a hundred dollars. I know I can't do it, so I have to just not go to Target. Same with phone calls. But texting is quicker and less intrusive. You write me a sentence, I write you back a sentence. See how easy that is? That took a total of one minute. I can text you when I'm in the bathroom but I can't call you from there. If you're stuck in the 20th century and don't text at all, well, that's one less resolution you'll have to make but you're getting left out of the loop.

We make ourselves promises to improve our lives, our bodies, our mental health, and the quality of life for those around us. I won't use this blog to wag my finger is anybody's face and make you feel badly if you fall off your resolution band wagon. I'm just as guilty as the next guy. But we CAN give ourselves a pat on the back for the resolutions we have kept, or will be trying to keep as the newness of the new year fades. 

I'm happy to say that I don't have to make any more resolutions to lose weight or get in shape. DONE! I am very proud of that. Are there other things I need to work on? But of course silly! I could probably make a list of 20 things I could do to improve my life and the lives of my loved ones. We all have daily struggles and challenges and you don't need me to remind you about dealing with vices, financial planning, communicating better, eating healthier, yada yada yada. That's called "life". Our pursuit of happiness is laden with trying to balance work and pleasure. Maturing is the thing that spurs us to first admit areas of our lives that aren't working for us, and conquering the immediate gratifications that got us into trouble in the first place.

I'm inspired by the words written, not spoken, by Roger Ebert, who due to a lengthy battle with cancer had his lower jaw removed has permanently lost his ability to eat, drink, and talk forever and "speaks" through a computer-generated voice named "Alex"--

We all know people who have been challenged by physical circumstance (my cousin Brian Hayden, for one--please read his blog www.brianhayden.com). I have been very fortunate in my life SO FAR and I am humbled by people like Brian and Roger, and my close friend Inka and now a new friend who also has had to make very difficult life decisions due to having been diagnosed with breast cancer. 

So spring forth my friends into 2012 with (hopefully!!!) an optimistic outlook that only YOU can make 2012 better for you. It's true that the only person you can change is you; and that you can only control HOW you react to the things that happen TO you; you can't control anyone or anything else. But that doesn't make you powerless. You can accomplish much if you just set your mind to it.

I'm rooting for you.

http://www.esquire.com/features/roger-ebert-0310-4

http://brianhayden.com/
http://www.43things.com/resolutions/trends

An open letter to my suicidal friends--get help now!!

Dear Suicidal Friends,

It is with great empathy and a heavy heart that I write you today. I have never been in your shoes, so I will not belittle your pain as if to say, "I know how you feel." I don't know how you feel. And anyone who tries to "cheer you up" by saying, "get over it", clearly has no idea how you feel either. What I do know is, suicide is not the answer.

I realize you are in great pain and want the pain to go away.  Those of us who have not walked in your shoes cannot fathom how you feel right now. But--choosing suicide is a cowardly act. SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM. It's giving up on yourself.  You are basically saying, "I've tried everything to feel better, and nothing is working."

Have you tried everything you can to feel better? Have you? Do your closest friends and family truly know how you feel? I believe it's because suicidal people have a chemical imbalance. Think of it this way--how do you feel when you're in love? The whole world is rosy. The sky is bluer, the grass is greener, food tastes better, and you walk with a spring in your step. You have all those wonderful endorphins rushing through your system. I guess feeling suicidal is the flip side of that. Everything is gray, everything is harder, everything becomes a great effort. You can't just "cheer yourself up." 

Feeling the way you do is not shameful. Asking for help is not shameful. I know that you are a great friend to YOUR friends--if they came to you and said, "hey, I'm not doing so well, I may hurt myself," what would you do? You'd be there for them. You'd rush to their side, take them for coffee, hold them in your arms. You'd listen and talk and be there for them. You are there for YOUR friends, now let them be there for YOU. 

I have a friend who is suicidal and has actually attempted suicide at one point in her life. She is still not out of the woods. It scares me to think I will get a phone call like the one I got about my friend Erin, and my brother. It is a helpless feeling to know our words are ignored because of the dark cloud that obscures rational thought at a time when you need it most. Your friends are rational and can see beyond your pain. Please let them help you!!

When a friend or family member responds to your cries for help, I'm begging you to give them a chance to help you. If you died today, or tomorrow, we will blame ourselves for not being a better friend. I know you don't have the energy to deal with OUR pain, but if I can stop and make you see just for a second how loved your really are, even if you don't feel lovable, you will allow someone to hold your hand through this. 

If possible, take a walk. Get outdoors. Bundle up if you have to, and just talk a slow walk. Take deep breaths and really take in the scenery around you. Listen to the birds. Listen to the cars rushing by. Listen to a train's horn. Pick up a leaf and marvel at how perfect it is. Listen to your heartbeat--the wonderful pumping of blood that is keeping you alive. You, like the leaf, like the birds, like the sky. 

are a one-of-a-kind marvelous creation. It's my hope that you will feel better, even a little bit. You know why? You will get those endorphins going, and we need all the feel-good hormones we can get.  Or play some music that makes you feel like dancing--even if you don't feel like dancing. I truly believe music can help. 

I'm a runner. I started running when my BFF found out she had Stage 4 breast cancer. I ran because she couldn't. I felt guilty I was healthy and she was sick. I found myself crying as I began my run, thinking about how she was getting chemo while I was out in the sunshine. By the time I got home, I had cried it all out and was ready to call her and be a good friend. This went on for months. She is cancer-free now, and I'm still running. Getting outside in the fresh air helps me. Maybe it'll help you.

There are more laughs to be had, more love to be in your life, if you let it. Please choose life, and get help. Call a friend, go to the hospital, call a hotline. We all want you to be around as long as possible, and we want you to be happy. You CAN get there. Lean on someone you trust, even if it's a stranger. Because we care. Please call someone today. 

If you, or someone you know, is in suicidal crisis or emotional distress please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

I love you,

Lauren

P.S. Some websites to turn to:

http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Have-Attempted-Suicide/32285

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/

http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=1

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What can I do to help someone who is suicidal? Take it seriously. Myth: “The people who talk about it don't do it.” Studies have found that more than 75% of all completed suicides did things in the few weeks or months prior to their deaths to indicate to others that they were in deep despair. Anyone expressing suicidal feelings needs immediate attention. Myth: “Anyone who tries to kill himself has got to be crazy.” Perhaps 10% of all suicidal people are psychotic or have delusional beliefs about reality. Most suicidal people suffer from the recognized mental illness of depression; but many depressed people adequately manage their daily affairs. The absence of “craziness” does not mean the absence of suicide risk. “Those problems weren't enough to commit suicide over,” is often said by people who knew a completed suicide. You cannot assume that because you feel something is not worth being suicidal about, that the person you are with feels the same way. It is not how bad the problem is, but how badly it's hurting the person who has it. Remember: suicidal behavior is a cry for help. Myth: “If a someone is going to kill himself, nothing can stop him.” The fact that a person is still alive is sufficient proof that part of him wants to remain alive. The suicidal person is ambivalent - part of him wants to live and part of him wants not so much death as he wants the pain to end. It is the part that wants to live that tells another “I feel suicidal.” If a suicidal person turns to you it is likely that he believes that you are more caring, more informed about coping with misfortune, and more willing to protect his confidentiality. No matter how negative the manner and content of his talk, he is doing a positive thing and has a positive view of you. Be willing to give and get help sooner rather than later. Suicide prevention is not a last minute activity. All textbooks on depression say it should be reached as soon as possible. Unfortunately, suicidal people are afraid that trying to get help may bring them more pain: being told they are stupid, foolish, sinful, or manipulative; rejection; punishment; suspension from school or job; written records of their condition; or involuntary commitment. You need to do everything you can to reduce pain, rather than increase or prolong it. Constructively involving yourself on the side of life as early as possible will reduce the risk of suicide. Listen.Give the person every opportunity to unburden his troubles and ventilate his feelings. You don't need to say much and there are no magic words. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it. Give him relief from being alone with his pain; let him know you are glad he turned to you. Patience, sympathy, acceptance. Avoid arguments and advice giving. ASK: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” Myth: “Talking about it may give someone the idea.” People already have the idea; suicide is constantly in the news media. If you ask a despairing person this question you are doing a good thing for them: you are showing him that you care about him, that you take him seriously, and that you are willing to let him share his pain with you. You are giving him further opportunity to discharge pent up and painful feelings. If the person is having thoughts of suicide, find out how far along his ideation has progressed. If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave him alone. If the means are present, try to get rid of them. Detoxify the home.  Urge professional help. Persistence and patience may be needed to seek, engage and continue with as many options as possible. In any referral situation, let the person know you care and want to maintain contact. No secrets. It is the part of the person that is afraid of more pain that says “Don't tell anyone.” It is the part that wants to stay alive that tells you about it. Respond to that part of the person and persistently seek out a mature and compassionate person with whom you can review the situation. (You can get outside help and still protect the person from pain causing breaches of privacy.) Do not try to go it alone. Get help for the person and for yourself. Distributing the anxieties and responsibilities of suicide prevention makes it easier and much more effective. From crisis to recovery. Most people have suicidal thoughts or feelings at some point in their lives; yet less than 2% of all deaths are suicides. Nearly all suicidal people suffer from conditions that will pass with time or with the assistance of a recovery program. There are hundreds of modest steps we can take to improve our response to the suicidal and to make it easier for them to seek help. Taking these modest steps can save many lives and reduce a great deal of human suffering. WARNING SIGNSConditions associated with increased risk of suicide Death or terminal illness of relative or friend. Divorce, separation, broken relationship, stress on family. Loss of health (real or imaginary). Loss of job, home, money, status, self-esteem, personal security. Alcohol or drug abuse. Depression. In the young depression may be masked by hyperactivity or acting out behavior. In the elderly it may be incorrectly attributed to the natural effects of aging. Depression that seems to quickly disappear for no apparent reason is cause for concern. The early stages of recovery from depression can be a high risk period. Recent studies have associated anxiety disorders with increased risk for attempted suicide. Emotional and behavioral changes associated with suicide Overwhelming Pain: pain that threatens to exceed the person's pain coping capacities. Suicidal feelings are often the result of longstanding problems that have been exacerbated by recent precipitating events. The precipitating factors may be new pain or the loss of pain coping resources. Hopelessness: the feeling that the pain will continue or get worse; things will never get better. Powerlessness: the feeling that one's resources for reducing pain are exhausted. Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, self-hatred, “no one cares”. Fears of losing control, harming self or others. Personality becomes sad, withdrawn, tired, apathetic, anxious, irritable, or prone to angry outbursts. Declining performance in school, work, or other activities. (Occasionally the reverse: someone who volunteers for extra duties because they need to fill up their time.) Social isolation; or association with a group that has different moral standards than those of the family. Declining interest in sex, friends, or activities previously enjoyed. Neglect of personal welfare, deteriorating physical appearance. Alterations in either direction in sleeping or eating habits. (Particularly in the elderly) Self-starvation, dietary mismanagement, disobeying medical instructions. Difficult times: holidays, anniversaries, and the first week after discharge from a hospital; just before and after diagnosis of a major illness; just before and during disciplinary proceedings. Undocumented status adds to the stress of a crisis. Suicidal Behavior Previous suicide attempts, “mini-attempts”. Explicit statements of suicidal ideation or feelings. Development of suicidal plan, acquiring the means, “rehearsal” behavior, setting a time for the attempt. Self-inflicted injuries, such as cuts, burns, or head banging. Reckless behavior. (Besides suicide, other leading causes of death among young people in New York City are homicide, accidents, drug overdose, and AIDS.) Unexplained accidents among children and the elderly. Making out a will or giving away favorite possessions. Inappropriately saying goodbye. Verbal behavior that is ambiguous or indirect: “I'm going away on a real long trip.”, “You won't have to worry about me anymore.”, “I want to go to sleep and never wake up.”, “I'm so depressed, I just can't go on.”, “Does God punish suicides?”, “Voices are telling me to do bad things.”, requests for euthanasia information, inappropriate joking, stories or essays on morbid themes. A WARNING ABOUT WARNING SIGNSThe majority of the population at any one time does not have many of the warning signs and has a lower suicide risk rate. But a lower rate in a larger population is still a lot of people - and many completed suicides had only a few of the conditions listed above. In a one person to another person situation, all indications of suicidality need to be taken seriously. __________________ Fall seven times, stand up eight When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on