To cover or not to cover? That is the question

I'll bet you didn't know that just by living here in Wisconsin, my tushie has obviously passed the clean booty test.  Hahaha! Take THAT you Californians!!!!!

Moving to a new city, a new state, somewhere where you've never even visited is always laced with challenges. Along with the usual learning how to get around--where we live there are many back roads with weird names like "BB" and "KE" that aren't really names at all. It can get very confusing and it's easy to get lost. Many addresses like mine aren't even found on your GPS so don't give me that, "just use your GPS" b/s.  Every American city has its cultural mores and even though we all speak the same language, well, different accents are hard to get used to just like certain traditions they may have. Here in Wisconsin, the big things here are Friday night fish fry (bleh! double bleh! explains the obesity factor), deer hunting (you know how I feel about that already) and the Packers. But one of the hardest things I've had getting used to living here is the lack of toilet paper covers in public restrooms.

I am really bothered by this! What is it about Wisconsin tushies anyway? Are they cleaner than California butts? Now I've lived here a little more than a year now, and I can't find a restaurant or store whose bathrooms offer toilet seat covers. I'm appalled by this, and frankly tired of making my own little covers with those flimsy single-ply strips of cheap toilet paper that stick to your bottom when you stand up.  I'm appalled every time a woman goes in and out of a stall without doing likewise. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE PEOPLE?!

Now I haven't done any research on the subject of toilet seats and germs, and frankly I don't see the need to. It's obvious. Have you ever gone into a stall and seen blood or urine on the seat? I know, that's disgusting. It's not as uncommon as one might think. (Major wake-up call to you lucky men out there who get to stand!) So what does a person do in this situation? Usually clean it up yourself with toilet paper if you're in one of those situations where you stood in line for that stall with a full bladder during halftime at a Packer game. If you're lucky and the bathroom's not busy, you just groan with disgust and go into another stall. Thank GOD someone else gets paid to clean up these things.

What about the stuff on that toilet seat you CAN'T see? And don't tell me stuff isn't there. This is NOT rockets science here folks. I don't need a microscope and a laboratory to tell me the person who sat here before me is a complete stranger and God only knows where their rear end has been. A public restroom isn't my home! I am completely aware of where my children's and husband's butts have been so I don't mind sharing toilet seats with them. And I'm pretty aware of how often they get cleaned at home (No, I don't have a worker who comes in every hour and marks a little checkmark on the back of the door--but it's good enough for me). We also keep a canister of those handy disinfecting wipes so if something, um, spills, that person can clean it up nice and discreetly.

Now I haven't travelled much, and the only other place I've ever been that is also a highly industrialized nation that doesn't use toilet seat covers is New Zealand. It freaked me out there too. That was the first time I had to face the fact that the seat covers weren't offered anywhere at all except the airport. Same with Milwaukee's airport. I guess the people in charge at the airports somehow mutually agreed that all those traveler's hindquarters couldn't be trusted to be as clean as they needed to be. If people actually passed the aiport bathroom safety test and went on to visit outside establishments such as restaurants and stores, toilet seat covers weren't going to be necessary. Hmmm! Interesting. Their tushies are considered unsanitary at the airport, but once outside the airport, they are acceptably clean enough. I wonder if this discrepancy ever crossed anoyone's minds?

Well, it's crossed mine, and I'm very disturbed by this. I'm not even a germaphobe--I consider myself to be your every day run-of-the-mill conscientious person but this situation has gotten out of control. It's totally contradictory in that bathrooms have really started to play into the whole germaphobe mindset with all the faucets and towel racks that turn on automatically without touching anything. I know hands are just about the grossest thing out there in the world, we are always touching our noses and faces and doorknobs and all that. Yes, I get that. But what about our derierres? You mean to tell me they're cleaner than our hands?? EW!! Maybe cleaner, but CLEAN?!

And don't even get me going about all those horror stories about countries who don't even provide toilet paper. I'm ahead of you on that one. I will either never visit them or if I do, go armed and ready with a complete supply of everything I'll need when I'm in those compromising situations.

I've actually asked workers in various places why they don't supply toilet seat covers. I get the same dumb blank stare every time. "Uh, I don't know" is the usual answer. If I'm feeling Andy-Rooney-like, and I often do feel Andy-Rooney-like, I'll poke further and say something like, "Did it ever occur to you that toilet seat covers are provided in other states?" (I'm careful not to admit I'm from California because, well, Wisconsinites don't think very highly of us California folk and I'm not willing to provide fuel for their fire).  I'll get another blank stare and a response like, "uh, no, I didn't know that." And if I'm feeling VERY Andy-Rooney-like, I'll poke further and say something like, "Have you ever thought about how ironic it is that their are seat covers in the airport bathrooms but not everywhere else?" It's just this fun thing I do. My life is very exciting.

I think the bidet people get it. We are soul mates. Whoever dreamed up the bidet is my hero. Why aren't THEY standard in public restrooms? Ah, of course, they're expensive. I heard that argument. I actually got my first blast of cold water on my girl parts at an Asian restaurant in Fresno. (My Reedley/Fresno fans reading this are nodding their heads--you know which one I'm talking about!) and it was a fun experience. On my birthday one year, a group of my girlfriends and I went there for dinner and got a little tipsy and took turns going into the one stall that had the bidet just for the fun of it. We howled every time it got real quiet, then we heard the whooshing sound and the giggling "OOOO!" that followed. How fun! We got our business done and bathed at the same time! No germs, no cut-out paper that usually falls into the toilet on the first try and no little strips of paper stuck to our legs!! Yay!!!

I know I'm not alone here. I'm curious to hear your views people. And remember, I took an airplane here when I moved from California, I didn't drive and stop in 10 states along the way. Sometimes I wish I had; I'd know whose got the clean tushies around American and who doesn't.

California, I'm embarrassed now. What can I say? I try to defend you as self-righteously as I can. But I guess our bottoms just don't measure up to Wisconsin's. I feel defeated.

But like you won't be hearing me say, "you betcha" or shooting deer anytime soon, I will not abandon my self-made toilet seat covers. If it makes me different, I'm ok with that.

In my next life, I want to come back as a man.

But Wisconsinites, I just gotta ask ya---where's YOUR butt been today??

"Just Do It" and other silly notions about resolutions

Happy New Year! Welcome 2012! Fresh slate; a brand-new year has begun. The annual tradition of resolution-making is well under way for many people. I've had the same resolution year after year after year, that still hasn't been crossed off my to-do list. I can't tell you what it is because you will tell me, "Just Do It", like the Nike slogan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, if it were that easy, I'd have done it by now. And that's the thing about resolutions--we make hard ones we are unlikely to keep.

What if we were to make resolutions like my friend revealed to me the other night: "eat less pasta." Now that's one she can probably accomplish with little self-injury. How about a resolution to "watch more TV"? If you're someone like me who can never stop moving, this is actually an improvement to my quality of life. My children rarely see me in other than upright and erect, fastly moving like a vacuum cleaner. How about, "I resolve to step over toys, dirty clothes and other clutter without cussing." That would be a good one for me. I could possibly do this. (We could also make a resolution to pick up after ourselves so I wouldn't have to even make that cussing resolution in the first place, but I'm just as much a slob as my children are. Tim is excluded from this. Poor guy is the neatnik in the family. His resolution would probably be similar--step over clutter, refrain from cussing, and refrain from picking up after us once again). 

Here's another resolution I bet most people could make and keep--"Text people back ASAP." It's frustrating to write people and they don't respond. FOR DAYS. Now notice I didn't say anything about phone calls. That's a trickier one. Phone calls interrupt more and I know for a fact that I can't just call someone and talk for 10 minutes; it's like going into Target and not spending at least a hundred dollars. I know I can't do it, so I have to just not go to Target. Same with phone calls. But texting is quicker and less intrusive. You write me a sentence, I write you back a sentence. See how easy that is? That took a total of one minute. I can text you when I'm in the bathroom but I can't call you from there. If you're stuck in the 20th century and don't text at all, well, that's one less resolution you'll have to make but you're getting left out of the loop.

We make ourselves promises to improve our lives, our bodies, our mental health, and the quality of life for those around us. I won't use this blog to wag my finger is anybody's face and make you feel badly if you fall off your resolution band wagon. I'm just as guilty as the next guy. But we CAN give ourselves a pat on the back for the resolutions we have kept, or will be trying to keep as the newness of the new year fades. 

I'm happy to say that I don't have to make any more resolutions to lose weight or get in shape. DONE! I am very proud of that. Are there other things I need to work on? But of course silly! I could probably make a list of 20 things I could do to improve my life and the lives of my loved ones. We all have daily struggles and challenges and you don't need me to remind you about dealing with vices, financial planning, communicating better, eating healthier, yada yada yada. That's called "life". Our pursuit of happiness is laden with trying to balance work and pleasure. Maturing is the thing that spurs us to first admit areas of our lives that aren't working for us, and conquering the immediate gratifications that got us into trouble in the first place.

I'm inspired by the words written, not spoken, by Roger Ebert, who due to a lengthy battle with cancer had his lower jaw removed has permanently lost his ability to eat, drink, and talk forever and "speaks" through a computer-generated voice named "Alex"--

We all know people who have been challenged by physical circumstance (my cousin Brian Hayden, for one--please read his blog www.brianhayden.com). I have been very fortunate in my life SO FAR and I am humbled by people like Brian and Roger, and my close friend Inka and now a new friend who also has had to make very difficult life decisions due to having been diagnosed with breast cancer. 

So spring forth my friends into 2012 with (hopefully!!!) an optimistic outlook that only YOU can make 2012 better for you. It's true that the only person you can change is you; and that you can only control HOW you react to the things that happen TO you; you can't control anyone or anything else. But that doesn't make you powerless. You can accomplish much if you just set your mind to it.

I'm rooting for you.

http://www.esquire.com/features/roger-ebert-0310-4

http://brianhayden.com/
http://www.43things.com/resolutions/trends