My best girlfriend is mad at God right now. In her opinion, He has made her life a living hell. She did not ask for these things to happen to her.
Now I must tell you, that she is a very devoted Christian woman. When her doctor told her she had breast cancer, she never asked, "why me?" Instead she remarked, "why NOT me?" She knew that God had a plan for her, and she never questioned her faith. But that was three years ago, and a lot has happened to her since.
On the day of her first chemo treatment, her husband said, "I'm outta here!" and moved out. Their 14-year-old identical twin daughters packed up and decided to go live with him and his new girlfriend (read: "no rules at dad's house!!!"). She had a double-mastectomy and lost all her hair, eyebrows, fingernails, yet wore her head scarves with dignity. Her ex-husband refused to sign paperwork that would keep her in the family home and he let it foreclose. Hoping her daughters would move back in with her, she rented the very house next door and got a roommate to help with expenses. After two years of waiting, the daughters remain with their father. She still can't afford a bed and sleeps on a cheap futon in the living room. She has sold almost everything she owns. She had reconstructive surgery and the doctor bills are adding up.
Like most families, they had pets--a dog and two cats. Now with no income, she has struggled to take care of them. One of the cats and the dog both died during this time. When they got ill, she couldn't afford to take them to the vet.
She could no longer afford to stay in the house she was renting, and with nowhere to go, moved in with her mother in the senior citizen.condo complex she lived in. Her mother became ill and died of a heart attack in January. My friend's sister is the rightful owner now and wants it sold ASAP. My friend can't stay there anyway since she's too young. So---when the house sells, yes, my friend will have a little money and in my opinion will save her ass. But we all know how long it takes to sell anything in this economy, so she needs options right now. Her choices are basically live on a friend or family member's couch till she gets the money or a decent job. We all know how poor these choices are. It's our deepest fear--not being able to take care of ourselves. She did everything right for 30 years. Yes, they were married for 30 years. And this is the reward??
Since he rarely pays her the alimony he owes her, my friend works odd jobs to keep herself afloat. She had been a stay-at-home mom for the last 14 years and has no training or skills other than her ability to talk to anyone, anywhere, and show up on time neat and ready to work hard. She has been told she doesn't qualify for government assistance because she has a car that runs. In other words, she's not completely pathetic enough.
So, here she is now, she just turned 50, and she looks like before she had her cancer. She is cancer-free now for three years thankfully. Her hair is gorgeous, below her shoulders now. This is the good news. She looks good, she feels good physically, but the bad things that keep happening to her are taking their toll.
So, here's where I'm headed with this. She's at a crossroads right now, and trying to decide where she should live. With her sister in another county an hour away? Move in with a friend till she gets on her feet? Should she move here to Wisconsin with me? Her biggest dilemma is--should she stay near her daughters for their last year of high school, even though as hard as she tries, they continue to cancel plans to visit her time and time again?
My friend and I were talking yesterday about how she is hoping God will help guide her in her decision-making. Now, I'm not talking for my friend, but about religious people in general--I don't understand the whole "asking God what He wants me to do" line of thinking. How does God tell you what you should do? What is that?? I'm not one who subscribes to this.
I told her we are very different in this way of handling life's crises. I don't blame God when things go wrong in my life, and I don't thank him when they do. I remember giving her the book, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Rabbi Harold Kushner when she got her cancer, and she said it helped a lot. For those of you who aren't familiar with the book, I highly recommend it. The Rabbi had a terminally ill son and was grappling with the pain of losing him and losing his faith at the same time.
I believe that bad things just randomly happen, just like good things. I don't think God caused AIDS and I don't think he causes wars either. God didn't give my friend cancer to teach her anything and he didn't kill her pets either. I also don't think God cured her; her doctors did. I think what's miraculous is how humans have the ability to reason and make sense of the events in our lives, and we choose whether we find the silver lining or not.
When my brother committed suicide 13 years ago, I never once blamed God. I knew my brother must've been depressed, that he hid it from all of us, and that he thought that was his only choice. I have never once for a second thought God took him from us as part of this whole huge plan that would make me a better mom for my kids, or a better sister to my remaining brothers, or any other such nonsense. No, these things happened because I chose to not have my brother's death be in vain. I am determined to learn from the horror of what he did and try to make sure I never ever let anyone I love be in such silent, secret pain again.
I don't get how God figures in our decision-making. I really don't. I think we have to trust that we know ourselves well enough to know what we need, and if we truly don't know what to do when we have tough decisions to make, I believe in seeking out information from people who can help us. Not from some mystical deity up in the clouds. But hey, that's just me.
I clipped out an article from this month's Oprah magazine and sent it to my friend. I agree with Oprah's take on making the tough decisions--here's an excerpt from the article:
"For all the major moves in my life—to Baltimore, to Chicago, to own my show, and to end it—I've trusted my instincts. I take in all the information I can gather. I listen to proposals, ideas, and advice. Then I go with my gut, what my heart feels most strongly.
And I often tell friends: When you don't know what to do, do nothing. Get quiet so you can hear the still, small voice—your inner GPS guiding you to true North. "
I know Oprah to be a religious person, but she doesn't say, "I ask God what HE wants me to do." She knows in her own heart what's right for her.
I wish for my friend the peace of mind of trusting her own heart, her own gut, her own instincts. Because they will guide her. I love her with all my heart and want her to be happy. I can't tell her what to do, no one can tell someone else what they should or should not do when the stakes are so high. Not even God.
I'm here for my friend, to give her all the love and support whatever decision she makes.
Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Oprah-on-Trusting-Her-Intuition-Oprahs-Advice-on-Trusting-Your-Gut#ixzz1SfNzCLrP
