Except for something I saw on the morning news earlier this week.
Every morning, my darling daughter and I have breakfast together before I take her to school (after I take Ian, it's another hour before she has to leave). We watch the "Today" show together and read the comics and horoscope, and discuss what we see on the news. They had a feature called, "Too Old to Wear" (Grammar folks? Punctuation?? Guess I'm "too old" cuz I care about that sort of stuff). Anyway, they had polled people on some site I can't locate on Google called, "Diet Life", and they came up with a list of clothes and hairstyles they believe have a shelf life.
Basically, if you're over 35, you shouldn't do the following:
1. Wear a bikini.
2. Have long hair.
3. If you have long hair, don't wear it in a ponytail.
4. Wear a miniskirt.
5. Wear knee-high boots, a tight vest, leggings, a see-through chiffon blouse, or stilettos.
Now if you're reading this, and you know me, you know I don't follow any of these "suggestions". Who the hell are these people anyway? Who did the poll? What are THEIR ages? Male? Female? (I think it's interesting that the website doesn't exist....). And of course, they forgave several "cougar" celebrities who break these fashion "rules" because of their awesome physiques. In other words, it's okay for them, but not for the rest of us.
You won't be surprised to hear I think it's a crock of shit. These "suggestions" go along with the whole stupid, "Don't wear white between Labor Day and Memorial Day". I love it. I just had to laugh.
I'm just glad they didn't say anything about skinny jeans, tight T-shirts over camis and Converse All-Stars. Because that's pretty much all I wear, and yes, I just turned 50. I really don't want to dress like most women my age. Have you seen the way most women my age dress?? Most women my age are afraid of their sexuality. They dress like they're always going to church in the most unflattering styles you can imagine. One mom I know wears old battered sneakers every single day, no matter what the event. Scary!!
Let me tell you about a compliment I got shortly after we moved here to Wisconsin. I was wearing my usual outfit (bling included), and had to stop by the State Farm Insurance office to drop off some important paperwork. Our new agent greeted me; I gave him the papers and all and as we said, "good day" to one another, he stopped me and said, "I just have to tell you something, Lauren. It's so nice to see someone dressed in something without an animal on it!" I laughed and said, "What??" I didn't understand what he meant. He said, "The women here all wear these dorky shirts with animals on them. And I don't mean animal prints", he said, "more like deer, penguins, cats, that sort of thing. You're definitely from California!" I took this as a compliment and blushed three shades of pink and thanked him and left.
That is my point ladies. Are you wearing an animal on your clothing today? Throw it out! Get rid of it! No one wants to look at it. Especially your man. Bleh!
I know I dress like a teenager. No one needs to tell me I dress strangely. But I like it. It's me, I feel good. My daughter likes it, my son doesn't seem to care. If you feel sexy wearing a church-lady vest with kittens on it, then good for you, go rock that vest. But really, do you?
It's really that I don't have a fashion sense. I'm always waiting for the phone call from the show, "What Not to Wear". I'm waiting for one of my family members or girlfriends to rat me out and put me in "What 50 year olds OUGHT TO WEAR". It wouldn't work anyway, so please don't try.
I just bought a new bikini, it's sooo cute! It's yellow and has lace on it. My daughter picked it out for me. And as for stilettos? Yep, got a new pair of silver ones. Long hair? Check. (I do have it colored professionally and trimmed every 5-6 weeks). Ponytail? When I go to the gym or go for a run. Leggings? In the winter, black, under a thigh-length sweater-dress. Yes, and flats to go with it. Cute!
See-through chiffon shirts? Nah, not really my style. Knee-high boots? Hmmm, I do own a pair, but haven't actually worn them yet.....
What is it with women my age? Why are they so unfashionable? I think I know. For one thing, our bodies have let us down. We can exercise like Jack LaLane and still have muffin top. We live to serve and please our kids and husbands, and that leaves precious little time for us to focus on ourselves. We put ourselves last for so long, it becomes a habit.
It's not selfish to take good care of ourselves ladies! Everyone benefits. Like my good friend Inka says, "ain't nobody happy unless Momma's happy." True, true true. We have to give ourselves permission.
I am giving you permission today my wonderful friends.
By not wearing makeup, by not wearing flattering hairstyles or clothes, we are invisible. We are blending in. Not everyone likes to call attention to themselves like I do--but for me, it's about individuality. I dress for me. I don't care if most people think I look ridiculous--I feel comfortable in my clothes and in my own skin. I can go to the grocery store now without makeup, in my sweats, without a care in the world. But it's not something I do all the time. I feel more confident if I put a little effort into myself.
Most women my age are afraid of their sexuality. As we enter menopause, we become friskier, and for many women, that scares them. Yes, I know, it takes money and time to take care of ourselves. Waxing and pedicures, makeup and clothing is expensive. But I think we're worth it, don't you? I'm sure your husband will appreciate it. You won't be worrying about him checking out some woman's cleavage next time you're at a ball game cuz he'll be checking YOU out instead! (not to mention the other guys checking you out). It's fun. I recommend it.
If you want to read a great book about the anxiety of aging, grab Nora Epron's best-seller, "I Feel Bad About My Neck." It's ra, truthful and hilarious about all the work that can go into aging gracefully. I think you can get pretty carried away---I'm not yet into Botox or plastic surgery---that stuff scares me. I'll just stick to exercise and vitamins and lots of face cream for the time being.
Back to the "Today" show---I should write them and complain. Who makes these stupid decisions to show such an opinionated poll such as how old should a woman be to wear certain things? How about we do a feature on certain things MEN shouldn't wear/do?
Under NO circumstances should men do the following (age is up to you ladies!)
1. Wear a handlebar moustache
2. Grow a beard to where kids call you "Santa"
3. Wear a ponytail
4. Beer belly strut
5. Donald Trump comb-overs
6. Socks and sandals
7. Pinky rings
8. Plumber jeans
9. Button down plaid shirts, open, over a white T-shirt.
10. Anything Homer Simpson would wear
11. Khaki.
Can you add to the list? I'd like to hear from my readers. What's keeping YOU from being your hottest self?
