We Kuckelmans have just passed the one-year mark since we moved here to Wisconsin from California. We still have lots and lots of unpacked boxes, and my closet is an absolute mess: not having built-in-drawers like we did in our Reedley house. Being obsessed with the show "Hoarders", it doesn't slip by me that certain areas of my home are quite frightening. (Fortunately, just my closet and the basement).
It's the day after Labor Day, and the weather has shifted so drastically, and it's so different from California. My friends there tell me it's still sweltering hot, in the 100's, and yesterday we had a high of 67 and a low of 39! Jennifer turned the heater on today to get ready for school. I took Odie our dog out this morning for the walk to the mailbox to get the newspaper, and fall is definitely here. The air is so dry and crisp, everything smells amazing, the birds have come out of hiding, and it just feels good.
It was time to put out the bowl of peanuts for the birds, chipmunks, and squirrels again, and it didn't take more than a few minutes for the beautiful male red cardinals to find the bowl. Sitting nearby was a beautiful blue jay waiting for his turn. The hanging seed feeder is swinging back and forth with the little birds. Aw, fall is here. I breathe in as much as I can and exhale, feeling something changing in the air.
I took a moment to sit down on the front porch with our cat Sammy and take it all in. The sun coming in now at a slant, the dew on the grass, the chill in the air. It was just after 7 a.m.; I had just said goodbye to Ian, and realize how grown-up my son is now. This is the first year since he started kindergarten that I'm not driving him to school. I knew this day would come all last year, as he got his driver's license this spring. I knew I would be sad, and happy for him at the same time. This morning, I'm feeling more sad than happy. I miss our 10 minute morning drives--our little chats about whatever, giving him that last, "have a good day sweetie" and knowing he got to school safely. It's so hard letting go.
Ian is not only a junior in high school, he's a college freshman! He is attending a 4-year private university here called Carroll University where he's taking Calc 3. He passed Calc AB/BC with an A+ last year and also got a 5 on his Calc AP test so he qualified for this senior-level class! His high school is paying his tuition and books and my 16-year-old boy is sitting in a college class with mostly college seniors. He loves it and fits right in--he said no one has said anything about him being 4-6 years younger than everyone else.
Ian also has a job now! He's working for a sort of upscale fast food restaurant here called Qdoba and he loves it. He takes pride in working--being on time, making sure his uniform is clean, and doing a good job. He has come out of his shy shell and told me he loves when it's not busy so he can spend more time chatting with the customers! (and NOT just the pretty girls--I had to tease him). I stare at my body-builder son, all those muscles and so handsome, so independent now, leading such a busy grown-up life, and get wistful. The red and golden leaves falling from the trees reminds me of holding Ian's little hand, walking down the sidewalk, and alternately stepping on leaves to hear the crunch sound, and collecting the prettiest ones. Now they just blow aside as he careens his car down the driveway and out to his new world where I'm not included. Did I mention he has a girlfriend too? Yep, I've been replaced in many ways. SHE holds his hand now.
My little girl turns 12 tomorrow, and she is planning a fun sleepover with a few friends. Yesterday when I went to Walgreen's to get her a birthday card, I realized I was reading the ones for "you're a young woman now" instead of the Disney princess-y ones. She is truly a "tween"--those were both alternately too old and too young for her. The "number" cards only go up to 10, then skip to 13, 16, and 21. (then of course, you know the rest--30, 40, 50,60, 70 etc.) And of course, shopping for a gift for her does not include any trips to the toy aisle. Nope, she's done with toys. It's earrings, hair accessories, clothes, perfume, make-up, fun girl stuff! But she wants to share all this with her friends. Not her mom. Again, I'm pushed aside.
I get it now why the teen years are so hard on moms. I don't know if fathers have the same difficulties in letting go. Maybe they do, but these kids grew inside me--I remember when I couldn't even go to the bathroom without holding a baby at the same time, or being followed in by a toddler. It's a gradual thing--they go from needing constant attention, to you getting a shower alone for 10 minutes and it's heaven, and next thing you know, they are driving themselves to school. It's insane how time flies.
But one thing I know for sure--my kids do still need me. Yesterday I told my boss how I needed to cut back my hours because my kids need me. I was so happy to do it. Being present for them, even if all it means is Mom is sitting at the kitchen counter waiting there when they get home from school, is important. I can't stomach them coming home to an empty house, and I can't do it anymore. I know they can get their own after-school snack, and I know they can be alone for a few hours while I'm at work, but if I have a choice to be there, why wouldn't I want that?
I learned that at this age, my role has changed. I listen more, and talk less, and steer and guide with my words more than with four wheels. Ian is out in the big world now, and I can't be everywhere to protect him. It's soooooo hard. Will he make good choices? Will he live up to his potential? Will he be happy?Will he be safe? As Dr. Phil says, I try to be the "soft place to fall", where they are loved unconditionally, and here to give them the hugs and smiles and affirmations they need to cope with the stressful world of being a teenager. We talk about everything, and I mean everything--and I hope they know I'm on their side and will do anything to help them navigate through this difficult age they're in. I think my kids are growing up to be the neatest people I know, and I don't just love them, I really LIKE them.
I know that I'll be their mommy forever, and I get it now how no matter how big they get, they'll always be my babies. I can't allow myself to even think for a moment what it'll be like two years from now when Ian goes away to college---so for today, I will cherish his big bear hugs and knowing that even though he's a busy boy, he's still a boy; a boy who still needs his mom. And that Jennifer is still needing my approval and encouragement to become the young woman she is becoming, and for that, I take that role seriously.
I hope I'm doing a good job. It's the hardest job I've ever had. Those hours I definitely am not ready to cut back on.
