Suicide--A Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem

A few days ago, I lost a dear friend who apparently took her own life.  I will preface this right now by saying losing someone to suicide is sadly not a new experience for me. My older brother Glenn killed himself 13 years ago. When the news comes, it's beyond shocking, and like any loss, it never really heals. Erin's death at her own hands is something a lot of people either don't want to discuss or can't wait to gossip about. I'm discussing it here because like so many of you, I'm grieving. I miss her. Why did she do it?  One thing I know for sure is, the more you try to get answers on the proverbial question, "WHY?" the more questions you will get. And you will be haunted forever as all those questions remain unanswered.

Although I didn't know her well, I have very fond memories of Erin Bray. She was my son's Forensics teacher, and it was his favorite class. We became friends the day I met her; I had brought several dozen doughnuts to her class for Ian's birthday. She was so bubbly, petite and pretty, and happy. We clicked instantly. Shortly after we became friends, my husband accepted the job here in Wisconsin. Our last day in Reedley, with streams of friends coming by all day to our home to say goodbye, Erin was the only one who stayed and helped us clean our house. She spent a whole afternoon on her hands and knees scrubbing our garage refrigerator. We laughed and chatted and got to know her. Now THAT is a good friend. We couldn't believe she wanted to spend her day getting black mold up to her elbows. She had fun and so did we.

Tim and I took a trip to San Francisco this past April to see a favorite musician in concert, and Erin happened to offer to drive up and have dinner with us! She was in Sacramento visiting family and said it was just a short trip for her. We had a wonderful dinner at the Stinking Rose and took a hilarious taxi trip all over San Francisco with a cabbie who turned our ride into a "Cash Cab" ride, making up questions for us to answer as if it were the TV show. We ended up at a Tarot Card reading, and all I can remember about what she said about Erin was that she was going to be very successful at a new career with people, because she was "so good with people". So true.  I wonder if the Tarot Card reader saw her real spirit, and saw that she was struggling inside emotionally. We'll never know. That was the last time I saw her.

She talked often about coming to see us here in Wisconsin. I offered to pay her plane fare to encourage her to come.  I knew that her leaving Reedley High was very hard on her and thought she needed an escape--a trip to see friends that would give her love and support and spoil her rotten with our home cooking and comfortable guest room for a few days. Sadly she never came. She went to Europe and posted many happy vacation pictures, smiling and clearly having the time of her life. She had just returned.

As far as I knew, my brother seemed to have it all. He had just graduated with honors from Cal State Fullerton with an MBA. He had a great job as a chemist. He owned his own home. He drove a brand-new sports car, had lots of money, and not being married, had all the freedom a guy could want. So, why would he kill himself?? Good question. I'm still searching for the answer.

When we received such horrifying news such as we received this week about Erin, the first thing we think is "why?". The second is, "what could I have done as her friend to stop her?" or "what could I have done as her friend to know she felt this way? How could I have been a better friend and saw it coming and helped her?" We are suffering now. Her pain is gone, and ours has begun.

I know that suicide prevention websites will tell you that most of the time, suicidal people DO leave "hints" that they're suicidal, and that we just don't realize it. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not, but it doesn't help us deal with our grief by suggesting that we overlooked something we could've done to prevent our friend or loved one from doing what they did. The people who write these "informative" things have a lot of experience with suicides, and yes, maybe now we will too. Even me, who's gone through this before, didn't see it coming with Erin. Maybe the signs were there, maybe they weren't, either for me or those closer to her. It's important to remember that she alone chose to cope with her pain by ending her life, and didn't reach out for help. IT'S NOT OUR FAULT.

Usually that's how a suicide happens. Suddenly, and out of the blue. TO US. We know now that my brother had been planning his suicide for at least a week if not longer. He left a lengthy suicide note on how he wanted to be buried; items he wanted with him; how to distribute his money, etc. His house was shockingly completely empty and looked like a hotel room. What did he do with all his stuff?? How long had he been planning this?? It appeared very methodical and organized. His wasn't a momentary, "I can't take this anymore" and impulsively shot himself. No, he planned it. Did we have any idea? No, we didn't. Had I gone over to his house though and saw he had no belongings anymore, I'd have at least had a clue something was amiss. Could I have prevented his suicide? Maybe I could've suggested he get help. Would he have acted on it instead of killing himself? Who knows. I know I'll never know. One of the hard questions I'll have forever to think about.

Yes, we all saw Erin's posts on Facebook that she was distraught over this James guy. Not being close to her, I don't know who he is or what he could've meant to her, or how upset she truly was over things with him. I wonder how he feels about this. Did he know her well? Did she reach out to him in her final moments? We'll never know. But it's not his fault either. We don't even know if her suicide had anything to do with him. We can't and shouldn't try to blame anyone. SHE CHOSE NOT TO GET HELP. We need to feel compassion and empathy for her pain, not chastise her. She sought relief in a desperate bid to end her pain.

Being a casual observer, it's easy to glean from her posts that she just had a really bad day. Facebook has a way of minimizing people's day-to-day problems. People tend to post only the good things that happen to them and either leave out the bad or minimize it. Take a good look next time you log on and you'll realize how sanitized everyone's posts are.  I've even seen people's posts about finding out they had cancer, or heart surgery, and it's always minimized. "I'm doing great!" they'll post, when honestly, they're besides themselves with depression. It's the old agage--when someone asks you, "how are you?" they don't really want you to say the truth. They'd rather you just say, "Fine, thanks, how about you?" The truth is scary, and it takes more time and energy to listen.

I do know one thing from all the posts on Erin's page since her death is that she was truly loved by so so many. Did she know this? Probably not. Had she known how many lives she touched that she'd be hurting so many people by ending her life? Probably not. Had all those posts come just a day before that if she needed a friend "just call me or text me" had prevented her from ending her life? Probably not.

None of us will ever know how despondent a person must become to end their life. We cannot truly comprehend the actions Erin took and I will never understand my brother's either, and it's been 13 years.  A choice was made that is irrevocable. I call it, "a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Because that's what it is.

As long as we're alive, we can change our circumstances. Erin and my brother had many people who cared about them and claim they would've come at a moment's notice had they called us and said, "I'm really depressed. I'm thinking about killing myself. Come sit with me and hold me." Who of us would really drop everything and be there for that person? Come on--be honest. We are all so f--ing busy we pooh-pooh one other's pain and crises for our own inconvenience.

I know some of you are already offended. Well, you should be. I'm trying to shake you up. I'm giving myself a slap in the face as I write this. We need to listen better, and be better friends to our friends and better relatives to our relatives. Maybe having 600 "friends" on Facebook is the problem--how can we possibly be "friends" to 600 people??? Can we call those "aquaintances" instead? If we aren't going to take our friendships seriously, we shouldn't call them "friendships". I have the rest of my life to think about what a lousy sister I was to my brother, that I didn't have a clue he was so depressed. Could I have saved him? Of course not. But I could've called him more often, and made more room in my life for him. I was busy with a new baby (Ian) and a part-time waitressing job and a husband and so I made excuses. At the very least, I might've been able to steer him towards professional therapy and we could've rallied around him to give him support. Hindsight, as they say, is 20-20.

BUT--that aside, my brother didn't let on when I did call him, or maybe I was too self-involved to really listen to what he wasn't saying. I know people who saw Erin just days before she did this and they are the most pained. No one said she seemed depressed. Maybe she was trying to cheer herself up with the friends that she did see in the days before she died. I'm sure they did. I'm sure she knew she was loved by a few, but that knowledge was overridden by her pain.

I believe a person takes their life under the following circumstances--#1, they are in great pain. Whether it's a lost love or financial circumstances, they are in great pain and want the pain to end. It's that unbearable to them. #2, they have lost hope. They have lost hope that they will ever feel better. The pain is so great and so unbearable, they have lost the ability to see beyond their present state, and #3, they are clinically depressed. Which is why if we can steer them towards therapy they might have had a chance. There are some great drugs out there now and with psychological help they might be able to feel better, which ultimately, can lead to better problem solving and eventually, being happy again. A suicidal person is not a person of bad moral character; they are depressed. Did you notice how grey everything looked the day you got the bad news about your friend's death? Everything else was suddenly superceded by your grief. Now, multiply that by 1000, and you might have an indication of how your loved one felt. Alone, suffering, and in great pain. Do you feel like you'll never stop crying over her? Do you feel tormented by the way she died, and that you will never again get to hear her laugh or have fun with her again? That's what hurts the most, she was so young and had so very much to live for.

That's it folks. And that's why we bear such guilt-- we feel as their friends and loved ones, we should've been able to help them see that there IS hope, that things CAN get better. We feel we could've prevented Erin or my brother from their suicides. I know we all feel that way. It's called "survivor guilt". For me, especially when my brother died, I was reluctant to talk about it. There is so much shame surrounding suicide, especially religious fanatics who will inflict further harm by declaring that the loved one will "go to hell for what they did." This does not help.

Talking with each other, supporting each other together DOES help. It helps to go over and over and over the last conversations and interactions we had with the loved one who ended their life, and trying to find the answer to "why". The "why" that will never be answered is the hardest part of the loss. Because there is no good answer. No matter what a person's circumstances, suicide should never be considered a solution. The person who dies doesn't ever really receive relief from the pain they're experiencing, and they've unwittingly inflicted great emotional harm to everyone around them who cares about them. I know I will never get over my brother's death, and the way he took his life and was found is too horrifying for me to deal with. Thinking about how he suffered, and how Erin suffered, is so painful all we can do is cry. Crying is necessary. Don't be afraid to cry.

And if you see a "cry for help" from a friend or loved one, act on it. Call that friend and talk to them. And if it's you that's considering suicide, call someone RIGHT NOW. There are people who care, even strangers. You are one-of-a-kind, you are unique, and you have a purpose here on Earth. We only get one life, and we deserve to be happy. You can be. There is hope.

I will miss you Erin. More than you know.

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-faqs.html