The cool thing about getting older is truly the wisdom that comes with having had so many life experiences. It is totally true that I am wiser now than ever. And I am really liking myself so much more now than ever. Have you ever had a moment where you kind think to yourself, "I like me"? And REALLY mean it??? I've had that happen to me this week, honestly, for the first time ever in my life that I can remember.
I see my twenty-something friends struggling both financially and emotionally. Your twenties can be such a hard time--finding your way in the world; planning who you're going to be for the rest of your life and all the pressures that come with it. Younger people feel like time is their enemy and they have to do it NOW or never. And it's funny, cuz whenever I see some old geezer driving five miles an hour under the speed limit I think, "you'd think he'd go a little faster cuz his days are numbered" and when I see some young woman stressed out behind the wheel clearly speeding I think, "What's her rush?"
I have come to understand so much about life, and a lot of this understanding comes from experiencing adversity and overcoming it. That's where maturity begins. I am so impressed with my twenty-something friends--most of them are in school trying to better themselves and set up a good financial future and working full-time. Some have kids already, and yet still independent. Some still live at home with parents, but struggling to get out of their situation. I see the optimism and energy they have and it's so fun to be around them. I think they are amazing people.
I have noticed that something interesting happens to many, many people as they leave their twenties and move into their thirties. I think being in your thirties has got to be the toughest age so far. My thrity-something friends lament to me about still not being married, or rich, still stuck in a dead-end job, and wanting so much more for themselves but somehow not understanding why they don't have everything they say the desire so badly. For my married friends in their thirties, I see them struggle to "have it all"--trying to be mommy and wifey and employee and still stay thin and sexy and eat right and exercise and keep a clean house. Societies' standards for women, AND for men, ruin people and ruin relationships.
We can thank the media for screaming at us everywhere we turn. We are inundated with direct and subliminal messages that we are less than constantly. I used to think that just muting the commercials on TV was enough, but now we've got Facebook ads and pop-up ads for diet this and diet that and you can't even Google a single thing without ads prompting you to "buy this and have better skin" or "eat this not that." It's EVERYWHERE. And no matter how hard you try to eliminate the chatter from your life, it's there. Unless you unplug yourself completely and go live in a cave somewhere.
I've gotten a lot of my current wisdom courtesy of a book by an amazing man named Augusten Burroughs. It's called, "This is How--Surviving what you think you can't." It's a collection of short, personal essays (like the kind you're reading right now) about everything from losing weight to suicide. I've read it backwards and forwards and I've bought copies for two important people in my life.
And their completely different reactions to it spoke volumes to me.
The girlfriend I gave the book to had a very similar reaction to mine--lots of "aha" (also known as "lightbulb) moments. My brother?? His was, "yeah, mostly common sense."
I think that change comes when we have those lightbulb moments of clarity. You know what they are, and how they feel. The thing is, we don't always listen to them. Sometimes they annoy us and make us feel things we don't want to feel. And we have to be receptive to really hearing it.
I love my brother dearly. We have grown close thanks to texting. He lives in California with my parents and he's had a rough life. BUT I see that a lot of it comes from his choices. And I realized something he said was so interesting. His car is 20 years old, and he was lamenting that he had to take it in again and would probably cost around $1000 he didn't have to fix it. I told him, 'maybe it's time to not waste that thousand dollars and save it to buy something newer." I told him, "maybe ride your bike or get a ride from Dad and in six months you can buy something newer. " But here's what upset him--I told him, 'Don't wait for a crisis, when you're stuck by the side of the road somewhere. It's not like you can't see the demise of this car coming. It's astounding it still runs at all!" He responded by saying something to me as if I didn't understand. That it's "not easy."
I felt bad for him and didn't know what else to say, but those last two words ate at me as I thought about what Augusten Burroughs says in his book about willpower and comfort. He basically says that we don't do the things we ought to do to help ourselves because we can't stand the feeling of discomfort. Isn't it true?? We don't like to be uncomfortable and those around us don't like us making THEM feel uncomfortable either, therefore, we don't change and we don't get better.
I'll use myself as an example.
I gave up red meat over a year and a half ago. It was a spiritual decision for me that just came to me one day. It was not easy for those around me to accept. It wasn't like I'd grown a third arm or anything but you'd think I had. It WAS weird for me too. Suddenly, this 4-day a week red-meat eater wouldn't touch a hamburger or a juicy steak cooked just-the-way-I-like-it-on-the-grill. I became an inconvenience and an annoyance, even to myself. If my husband chose to cook steaks, he had to go out of his way to first buy me something else I'd eat and then cook it separately. And while my family had no choice but to get used to this new non-red-meat-eating mommy and wife, for me, it was just about the easiest thing I'd ever done.
Because it was something I WANTED.
I have never for a second complained that I can't eat my favorite soup anymore because it's made with beef broth (french onion) and I actually will ask if the pepperoni on the pizza is pork or not. I don't apologize, and I don't feel bad about it, and I don't lament "poor me". I never have. Because I know that no one is stopping me from eating red meat products--not my doctor (it's not a health issue) or my religion (I don't have one). It is now who I am. I am someone who doesn't eat red meat. The same as someone who doesn't eat octopus either--I don't like it. So what's the big deal? If every fast food restaurant served octopus burgers (maybe that's what's REALLY in those Spongebob crabby patties!!) it would be a big deal. Because people have a group mentality that red-meat burgers are American and society accepts this and supports and encourages this. If I lived in a Hindi country like Nepal, I wouldn't be the odd-man out, I'd be just as common as everyone else.
I'm happy to say that now my family is nonplussed about the whole thing. It's a non-issue. And I'm so proud my family is proud of me. My husband made my heart flutter last weekend when we were at a wine festival that seemed to serve nothing but red meat and carbs--he was worried about me because we were drinking wine and I couldn't find anything to eat. He took me by the hand and said, "C'mon honey, let's go find you something", and he was on a mission to take care of me. I was filled with gratitude and love for this gesture. Not, "You've gotta stop with this silly diet. There's plenty of food here." He didn't make fun of me; he embraced the changes I'd made and honored them.
We need to be conscious of, "who is society anyway?? It depends on where you live. Who hasn't seen the picture of the plus-size mannequins in stores in Sweden? (or is it the Netherlands?) I can't remember, but the point is--it's so unusual it the picture spread like wildfire on the Internet. Seeing it made me uncomfortable, because it reminded me how painful it is to be a girl living in a society that drums into everyone heads that being thin is the most important thing a woman can be. I wanted to move to that country when I saw that picture and I know every American woman felt the same way: understood.
How often do we sabotage our loved ones with our own discomfort?? When was the last time you made a snide remark when we heard someone say, "Not for me, I'm trying to lose weight" or "Just iced tea, I'm trying not to drink so much." We say things like, "Oh come one, what will one hurt?" or something like that. How dare we tromp on someone else's efforts to better themselves? We do it because when the people around us change, it makes US uncomfortable. If they can decline dessert or a third martini and we don't want to, we put THEM down so we don't have to feel bad about the fact that we can't, or don't want to say no ourselves. Our weaknesses are triggered. We aren't sure we really want to say no, or change, but somehow, something in us is triggered when we are confronted with a major change in someone else.
This is so interesting to me. I have become so aware of this lately. My husband told me about a guy he works with who's lost 60 pounds. He has become completely different. He told me, "He's just not really fun to be around anymore. He used to be the fun guy. Now he's so serious." And when he told his co-worker this jokingly, the co-worker agreed. He knows he's different, he knows he's not so much fun anymore, but his health was more important. His definition of "fun" has changed. Fun for him means fitting into clothes he feels good in and not worrying about dropping dead of a heart attack anymore.
When we know what we want, we go and get it. It's not a matter of "easy".
It's not a matter of willpower, Augusten Burroughs says, and he's right. He says, "If willpower is required to achieve this goal, that's how you know you don't want it enough on a deep, organic level...willpower is like holding your breath: you can only do it for so long." So true.
Think about the last time you made a significant change in yourself or your life. How about an insignificant change, like driving a different way to work? How about abiding by the speed limit signs for a change? How about reading at bedtime instead of watching TV? How about not checking your phone every 5 seconds and really listening to your spouse, kids, or friends? These are truly "easy" things to do but yes, you will likely feel discomfort. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do them. Augusten thinks that the more uncomfortable you make yourself, the closer you will get to achieving your goals. And sometimes, the discomfort is not your own--it's dealing with everyone ELSE'S discomfort.
Just food for thought folks.
Me
Me
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Moving Day
A few hours ago I gave my power-lifter son a great big hug, told him I loved him through burgeoning tears, and left him standing in his new dorm room with his new roommate. I made his little sister take our picture, and then it was Dad's turn for a hug and a pic, then little sister wanted one too. Ian obliged, uncomfortable and slightly annoyed, but I can see his dimpled smile in every single picture we took.
A few hours before this moment, we were at home, loading up our car with about eight Office Max boxes filled with all his clothes, textbooks and school supplies, toiletries, snacks, his electric guitar and amp (small one), his dart board, a small refrigerator, a cork board, a fold-up table, new sheets and pillow cases, new towels and throw pillows, and much more. He said goodbye to our pets--three cats and a dog, telling each he would miss them and gave them a pat on the head.
The hour prior to that he went to see his girlfriend of two years and say goodbye. I can only imagine how that went. She has another year of high school, and I think she probably has cried more than I have. Poor thing.
The day before, my husband and I ran around with his college dorm checklist, marking off much-needed supplies like a mini-tool kit, first aid kit, a fan, lightbulbs, snacks, area-rug, utensils, etc. He came home and showed us what he got--a disco ball and strobe light. Someone's focusing on fun. I laughed so hard.
The night before he spent with her doing fun things; they went to eat, went bowling, and came back here and watched TV, their favorite show "Fringe". Except for the fact that we knew he was going to be leaving for college in less than 24 hours, it was an uneventful day like so many summer days we've had. The night before that, it was his "last dinner at home" (I made my "famous" orange chicken: it takes 3 hours to cook and 10 minutes to devour); his "last lunch at home", that sort of countdown that was shadowed by sadness.
We've known this day was coming for like, oh, the last 18 years?! From the moment you know you are pregnant, everyone talks about "saving for college" and honestly, until it is right upon you, it as as abstract as the actual baby you will be holding after it's born. You can't really imagine it; you think you can, but you know that you really can't prepare for it. You know that when it happens, you will be okay though. There are books, there are classes, but there's nothing that REALLY prepares you for parenthood OR sending your ex-baby who's now taller than you and weighs more than you to college.
I kept hearing from the parents of adult kids all summer, "By the time it's time for him to go, you will be SO ready for him to go." I started to understand what these people meant. All summer it was his job, his girlfriend, and the gym. It was like a ferris wheel that never stopped. Coming home past 1:00 am; and the considerate texts that let me know he was "on his way" home still worried me and kept me awake. Sooner or later, fall had to arrive, and summer had to end. There's so much more for him out there in this big world than a minimum-wage job and hanging out with his friends.
Between graduating middle school Valedictorian, having taken college classes since age 16, graduating high school this past June with high honors (GPA 3.7) and all his AP classes/tests and outstanding ACT score, this kid is destined for so much more. He could've gotten into just about any college he chose; and he chose UW-Madison. He easily got in.
When the tears come, I remember the alternative: a teenager with no ambition who won't hold a job and smokes pot all day. That's where my mind goes. I am SO relieved he turned out so well. I'd like to pat myself and my husband on the proverbial back, but honestly? Ian gets all the credit. HE'S the one who worked his ass off to get where he is. I didn't do it! His dad didn't do it! HE did. He cared enough to succeed.
It's our job as parents to give our kids a great start. I hope that Ian always knows just how very loved he is; that no matter what, we are always here for him. Kids worry so much about "measuring up" and "avoiding failure", but the truth is, a good parent really doesn't have many pre-conceived notions about whom he should become. The only thing that we really worry about is drinking and drugs. I don't care what he major is. I don't care if he drops pre-med and goes into engineering. I don't have a pre-conceived idea of who my son should be. All we want it for him to live up to his POTENTIAL. A kid who's doing Calc 3 at age 16 is destined for more than a minimum wage job is my point. I don't need him to be a doctor for me, so that I can brag about him. I'm already bragging about him, because of his CHARACTER. He is the most honest kid I've ever known (next to his baby sister), and seeing him with girlfriend, he is the most loving, honest and attentive boyfriend a girl could ask for. He's a one-woman man, and is devoted to her.
As he enters his college days, of course we hope that he will open his mind to the possibility of having other relationships. As a middle-aged person, I have insight into what a 20-year marriage is really like. From our own wedding back in 1993, we've realized that more than half of the couples there that day have divorced. I told him one day this summer, "How would you know she's THEE person for you to spend the rest of your life with if you've never dated anyone else?" Of course, there are those couples out there that have met in high school (or earlier) and have truly been perfect for one another. I tell him, "You don't want to end up at 40 with a mortgage and kids and look at her and wonder what else is out there?" College is the time to do that. Not at 40.
I look back at my own college days, and they were so vastly different from Ian's. I went to a commuter school; I didn't leave home till I was 22. I regret not having realized I could've moved out and gone somewhere else. My parents didn't encourage me; I didn't have the resources to know I could've reached higher. I'm certain that's why giving Ian all the choices and opportunities is so important to me. I want him to have what I didn't. Isn't that what every parent wants?
And I know that our youngest, who just started high school today, will have an even more emotional mom as she trots off to her new college life. The young women of her generation are absolutely the luckiest generation of women ever to exist. She is unaware of gender discrimination and something we called, "the glass ceiling". Women of her generation are growing up feeling not just equal to their male peers but somewhat superior to them. There are more females vs. males attending college than ever before, and women have society's approval to "have it all." No longer does anyone look down their noses at women who maintain careers and having children. In ten years, after my daughter's graduated college and possibly getting married and having kids, her generation will have probably not only figured out how to REALLY "have it all" but feel good about herself in the process. I pray for the day when women stop feeling guilty about themselves and their choices, and the media stops making women feel that a flat stomach is really the end-all and be-all of importance.
It's so easy to be envious of my children as they go off into the big, wide world. The world is such a different place now. I know, I know, every parent says that. And every generation that is true. When we went for our son's 2-day college registration and tour, I was more excited than he was! I was ready to blink myself back to age 18 and enroll. There is SO much I want to do now that I either didn't have the resources available to me to pursue them or the courage to try. Now I have both. I am considering going back for my master's, or trying something completely different. Just because I can.
I am so excited for Ian. He truly has the world at his fingertips. In his three years of high school here in Wisconsin, he has seen friends drop out of college and pursue music; he's had friends go off to other states for college, and he's had friends die in a car accident due to drinking. He's well-aware that it's up to him to decide if he even wants to have a future or not. And what kind of future that might be?
We discussed one night what it might really be like to become a doctor. He has expressed interest in being a cardiologist. He thought out loud about the extra years of school; interning, and getting established. He said, "If I want a marriage and kids, I can't really become a cardiologist because I'd never see them." I admire the way he's processing his choices clearly; knowing himself well and what kind of life he wants after college.
Since we moved here, he has been around many kids with millionaire parents. We unwittingly moved to a very nice area where it's not unusual for his friends to jet off to Costa Rica, Punta Cana, and other exotic places "every spring break." We stay home and get extra sleep.
Ian has worked the last two years at Qdoba, a yummy Mexican restaurant that is like a Subway but Mexican food. He's got a great work ethic--always on time, never called in sick, worked for others when they asked him. He knows that if he doesn't succeed in college, it will be Qdoba metaphorically for the rest of his life. He wants more for himself than a minimum-waged job, and with that kids' smarts, he can reach for higher. As parents, our job is to transfer that belief in our kid, to our kids believing in themselves. If they don't think they can do it, they won't try. It doesn't matter if we know they can do it; they need to believe that if they try, they can succeed.
We remind him that who he hangs out with will determine which path he takes. And one thing I'm SO excited about is his college. At registration, they explained their emphasis on philanthropy. I have met some amazing students every single time we've been there. There is so much social support for the students; they go the extra effort to make sure they are paid attention to. It's not a matter of, "that's your kid, why should WE worry about them?" but rather, "While they're students here, we will parent them for you as much as possible." And I swear, they have. There is a student center if he gets sick. Everything's covered with the cost of tuition. There are student leaders in the dorms that we met yesterday that were friendly and attentive, and they continue to look out for our kid (and yours) every day. They were riding up and down in the elevators, seeing to it that our needs were met--that we knew where his room was and did we need any help carrying anything? The social support is tremendous. I felt like hugging every single red-T-shirted student leader I saw.
I'm so relieved Ian doesn't have his car. Freshmen aren't allowed cars. He lives in a dorm with another really great kid we got to meet (and his mom) and I'm sure they'll lean on each other as they both find their way. It made my heart bounce when Ian leaned into another dorm room on the way to his and said hello to another student he recognized from his high school! And guess what--this kid had a disco ball too! He and his roommate had everything all set up and it looked like they were having a blast. I SO wanted to be 18 again and do it all differently. I knew at that moment, Ian's going to be just fine.
We know kids always worry that no one will like them; that they'll have to eat lunch alone and that they're unlikeable. Of course we know our Ian won't have that problem, who wouldn't like him?? But that's something that even as grown-ups we worry about when we start a new job. Who will eat lunch with us? Will anybody like me? He told me he wasn't worried about academics. He knows he'll do well in his classes; it's "fitting in" he worries about. Of course we reassure him; it's just a matter of getting rid of us, the parents, and letting him find his way.
We giggle that he's never had to share a room with anyone. Now he's sleeping in a bunkbed that's more like a prison cot. I know he will miss so many things about home; and when he does make the trip home I will get to spoil him again. Being a good a parent means giving your kids the tools they need to succeed beyond your grasp. It is so hard letting go, but like I said earlier, it sure beats the alternative, a grown child still living at home past the teen years. We really need to let them find themselves out of our line of sight. There comes a time when we really don't need to know everything they think and do.
I think that it starts when they're very young. You see these parents who are afraid to let their kids spend the night at friends' houses or try certain sports. They are overprotective and honestly, the message they're sending their kids is that the world is a scary place. They send messages to their kids that they can't trust themselves to make the right choices and overprotecting, in my opinion, just leads to kids feeling bad about themselves. It's so hard being a parent; keeping them safe and letting them explore their world at the same time.
No parent is perfect, and all our choices must come from love and honesty. When I stumble, and I do often, I'm the parent that says, "I'm sorry." We can't pretend we know everything just because we're older and we've "been there." Our kids aren't us. The world they're living in is different than the world we grew up in and we have much to learn from them.
As my former 8-pound-13 ouncer goes out into the big, wide world, I cry tears of joy for eighteen and half years so far being his mom. He's made me a better person just by being himself. I cry for all the fun we had; for being there every single day for him, and I thank God he was born healthy and has made it this far given he's got an emotional nut for a mom. I cry tears of worry since I can't control things anymore, and all I can do is pray God keeps him safe and he makes good choices. I see my big, powerlifter son with his enormous biceps and piercing blue eyes, and just love him with all my heart. That's what I'm good at.
And so now our daughter is a stunning almost 14-year-old, and entering high school. I have four years of doting on her and preparing her for that moment when it will be HER packing for college. Helping her brother move into his dorm yesterday will leave an indelible mark on her psyche for when it will be her turn. She got to see that he will be all right; that he can be happy and sad at the same time. She got to see her parents cry and be happy for him, and see us let go and trust. I think she knows that we have communicated our belief in him by giving him the space and opportunity to find his passion and not dictate it for him. He's made all the right choices up to this point; we've just guided him and gave him the financial backing.
Ah, the empty nest. It's not empty yet, but his room is nearly empty, since he took most of it with him. It's painful to see, and I think I'll be avoiding the downstairs basement because of it. But he's only an hour away and I thank God that he chose a college so close. I can't even imagine if he had stayed with his original choice, UCLA. I'm so glad he's so close. Close enough if he needs me, and far enough away to find himself.
But you just know that there are more orange chicken dinners coming for those weekends he comes home with his stack of laundry.
I can't wait!!!!
A few hours before this moment, we were at home, loading up our car with about eight Office Max boxes filled with all his clothes, textbooks and school supplies, toiletries, snacks, his electric guitar and amp (small one), his dart board, a small refrigerator, a cork board, a fold-up table, new sheets and pillow cases, new towels and throw pillows, and much more. He said goodbye to our pets--three cats and a dog, telling each he would miss them and gave them a pat on the head.
The hour prior to that he went to see his girlfriend of two years and say goodbye. I can only imagine how that went. She has another year of high school, and I think she probably has cried more than I have. Poor thing.
The day before, my husband and I ran around with his college dorm checklist, marking off much-needed supplies like a mini-tool kit, first aid kit, a fan, lightbulbs, snacks, area-rug, utensils, etc. He came home and showed us what he got--a disco ball and strobe light. Someone's focusing on fun. I laughed so hard.
The night before he spent with her doing fun things; they went to eat, went bowling, and came back here and watched TV, their favorite show "Fringe". Except for the fact that we knew he was going to be leaving for college in less than 24 hours, it was an uneventful day like so many summer days we've had. The night before that, it was his "last dinner at home" (I made my "famous" orange chicken: it takes 3 hours to cook and 10 minutes to devour); his "last lunch at home", that sort of countdown that was shadowed by sadness.
We've known this day was coming for like, oh, the last 18 years?! From the moment you know you are pregnant, everyone talks about "saving for college" and honestly, until it is right upon you, it as as abstract as the actual baby you will be holding after it's born. You can't really imagine it; you think you can, but you know that you really can't prepare for it. You know that when it happens, you will be okay though. There are books, there are classes, but there's nothing that REALLY prepares you for parenthood OR sending your ex-baby who's now taller than you and weighs more than you to college.
I kept hearing from the parents of adult kids all summer, "By the time it's time for him to go, you will be SO ready for him to go." I started to understand what these people meant. All summer it was his job, his girlfriend, and the gym. It was like a ferris wheel that never stopped. Coming home past 1:00 am; and the considerate texts that let me know he was "on his way" home still worried me and kept me awake. Sooner or later, fall had to arrive, and summer had to end. There's so much more for him out there in this big world than a minimum-wage job and hanging out with his friends.
Between graduating middle school Valedictorian, having taken college classes since age 16, graduating high school this past June with high honors (GPA 3.7) and all his AP classes/tests and outstanding ACT score, this kid is destined for so much more. He could've gotten into just about any college he chose; and he chose UW-Madison. He easily got in.
When the tears come, I remember the alternative: a teenager with no ambition who won't hold a job and smokes pot all day. That's where my mind goes. I am SO relieved he turned out so well. I'd like to pat myself and my husband on the proverbial back, but honestly? Ian gets all the credit. HE'S the one who worked his ass off to get where he is. I didn't do it! His dad didn't do it! HE did. He cared enough to succeed.
It's our job as parents to give our kids a great start. I hope that Ian always knows just how very loved he is; that no matter what, we are always here for him. Kids worry so much about "measuring up" and "avoiding failure", but the truth is, a good parent really doesn't have many pre-conceived notions about whom he should become. The only thing that we really worry about is drinking and drugs. I don't care what he major is. I don't care if he drops pre-med and goes into engineering. I don't have a pre-conceived idea of who my son should be. All we want it for him to live up to his POTENTIAL. A kid who's doing Calc 3 at age 16 is destined for more than a minimum wage job is my point. I don't need him to be a doctor for me, so that I can brag about him. I'm already bragging about him, because of his CHARACTER. He is the most honest kid I've ever known (next to his baby sister), and seeing him with girlfriend, he is the most loving, honest and attentive boyfriend a girl could ask for. He's a one-woman man, and is devoted to her.
As he enters his college days, of course we hope that he will open his mind to the possibility of having other relationships. As a middle-aged person, I have insight into what a 20-year marriage is really like. From our own wedding back in 1993, we've realized that more than half of the couples there that day have divorced. I told him one day this summer, "How would you know she's THEE person for you to spend the rest of your life with if you've never dated anyone else?" Of course, there are those couples out there that have met in high school (or earlier) and have truly been perfect for one another. I tell him, "You don't want to end up at 40 with a mortgage and kids and look at her and wonder what else is out there?" College is the time to do that. Not at 40.
I look back at my own college days, and they were so vastly different from Ian's. I went to a commuter school; I didn't leave home till I was 22. I regret not having realized I could've moved out and gone somewhere else. My parents didn't encourage me; I didn't have the resources to know I could've reached higher. I'm certain that's why giving Ian all the choices and opportunities is so important to me. I want him to have what I didn't. Isn't that what every parent wants?
And I know that our youngest, who just started high school today, will have an even more emotional mom as she trots off to her new college life. The young women of her generation are absolutely the luckiest generation of women ever to exist. She is unaware of gender discrimination and something we called, "the glass ceiling". Women of her generation are growing up feeling not just equal to their male peers but somewhat superior to them. There are more females vs. males attending college than ever before, and women have society's approval to "have it all." No longer does anyone look down their noses at women who maintain careers and having children. In ten years, after my daughter's graduated college and possibly getting married and having kids, her generation will have probably not only figured out how to REALLY "have it all" but feel good about herself in the process. I pray for the day when women stop feeling guilty about themselves and their choices, and the media stops making women feel that a flat stomach is really the end-all and be-all of importance.
It's so easy to be envious of my children as they go off into the big, wide world. The world is such a different place now. I know, I know, every parent says that. And every generation that is true. When we went for our son's 2-day college registration and tour, I was more excited than he was! I was ready to blink myself back to age 18 and enroll. There is SO much I want to do now that I either didn't have the resources available to me to pursue them or the courage to try. Now I have both. I am considering going back for my master's, or trying something completely different. Just because I can.
I am so excited for Ian. He truly has the world at his fingertips. In his three years of high school here in Wisconsin, he has seen friends drop out of college and pursue music; he's had friends go off to other states for college, and he's had friends die in a car accident due to drinking. He's well-aware that it's up to him to decide if he even wants to have a future or not. And what kind of future that might be?
We discussed one night what it might really be like to become a doctor. He has expressed interest in being a cardiologist. He thought out loud about the extra years of school; interning, and getting established. He said, "If I want a marriage and kids, I can't really become a cardiologist because I'd never see them." I admire the way he's processing his choices clearly; knowing himself well and what kind of life he wants after college.
Since we moved here, he has been around many kids with millionaire parents. We unwittingly moved to a very nice area where it's not unusual for his friends to jet off to Costa Rica, Punta Cana, and other exotic places "every spring break." We stay home and get extra sleep.
Ian has worked the last two years at Qdoba, a yummy Mexican restaurant that is like a Subway but Mexican food. He's got a great work ethic--always on time, never called in sick, worked for others when they asked him. He knows that if he doesn't succeed in college, it will be Qdoba metaphorically for the rest of his life. He wants more for himself than a minimum-waged job, and with that kids' smarts, he can reach for higher. As parents, our job is to transfer that belief in our kid, to our kids believing in themselves. If they don't think they can do it, they won't try. It doesn't matter if we know they can do it; they need to believe that if they try, they can succeed.
We remind him that who he hangs out with will determine which path he takes. And one thing I'm SO excited about is his college. At registration, they explained their emphasis on philanthropy. I have met some amazing students every single time we've been there. There is so much social support for the students; they go the extra effort to make sure they are paid attention to. It's not a matter of, "that's your kid, why should WE worry about them?" but rather, "While they're students here, we will parent them for you as much as possible." And I swear, they have. There is a student center if he gets sick. Everything's covered with the cost of tuition. There are student leaders in the dorms that we met yesterday that were friendly and attentive, and they continue to look out for our kid (and yours) every day. They were riding up and down in the elevators, seeing to it that our needs were met--that we knew where his room was and did we need any help carrying anything? The social support is tremendous. I felt like hugging every single red-T-shirted student leader I saw.
I'm so relieved Ian doesn't have his car. Freshmen aren't allowed cars. He lives in a dorm with another really great kid we got to meet (and his mom) and I'm sure they'll lean on each other as they both find their way. It made my heart bounce when Ian leaned into another dorm room on the way to his and said hello to another student he recognized from his high school! And guess what--this kid had a disco ball too! He and his roommate had everything all set up and it looked like they were having a blast. I SO wanted to be 18 again and do it all differently. I knew at that moment, Ian's going to be just fine.
We know kids always worry that no one will like them; that they'll have to eat lunch alone and that they're unlikeable. Of course we know our Ian won't have that problem, who wouldn't like him?? But that's something that even as grown-ups we worry about when we start a new job. Who will eat lunch with us? Will anybody like me? He told me he wasn't worried about academics. He knows he'll do well in his classes; it's "fitting in" he worries about. Of course we reassure him; it's just a matter of getting rid of us, the parents, and letting him find his way.
We giggle that he's never had to share a room with anyone. Now he's sleeping in a bunkbed that's more like a prison cot. I know he will miss so many things about home; and when he does make the trip home I will get to spoil him again. Being a good a parent means giving your kids the tools they need to succeed beyond your grasp. It is so hard letting go, but like I said earlier, it sure beats the alternative, a grown child still living at home past the teen years. We really need to let them find themselves out of our line of sight. There comes a time when we really don't need to know everything they think and do.
I think that it starts when they're very young. You see these parents who are afraid to let their kids spend the night at friends' houses or try certain sports. They are overprotective and honestly, the message they're sending their kids is that the world is a scary place. They send messages to their kids that they can't trust themselves to make the right choices and overprotecting, in my opinion, just leads to kids feeling bad about themselves. It's so hard being a parent; keeping them safe and letting them explore their world at the same time.
No parent is perfect, and all our choices must come from love and honesty. When I stumble, and I do often, I'm the parent that says, "I'm sorry." We can't pretend we know everything just because we're older and we've "been there." Our kids aren't us. The world they're living in is different than the world we grew up in and we have much to learn from them.
As my former 8-pound-13 ouncer goes out into the big, wide world, I cry tears of joy for eighteen and half years so far being his mom. He's made me a better person just by being himself. I cry for all the fun we had; for being there every single day for him, and I thank God he was born healthy and has made it this far given he's got an emotional nut for a mom. I cry tears of worry since I can't control things anymore, and all I can do is pray God keeps him safe and he makes good choices. I see my big, powerlifter son with his enormous biceps and piercing blue eyes, and just love him with all my heart. That's what I'm good at.
And so now our daughter is a stunning almost 14-year-old, and entering high school. I have four years of doting on her and preparing her for that moment when it will be HER packing for college. Helping her brother move into his dorm yesterday will leave an indelible mark on her psyche for when it will be her turn. She got to see that he will be all right; that he can be happy and sad at the same time. She got to see her parents cry and be happy for him, and see us let go and trust. I think she knows that we have communicated our belief in him by giving him the space and opportunity to find his passion and not dictate it for him. He's made all the right choices up to this point; we've just guided him and gave him the financial backing.
Ah, the empty nest. It's not empty yet, but his room is nearly empty, since he took most of it with him. It's painful to see, and I think I'll be avoiding the downstairs basement because of it. But he's only an hour away and I thank God that he chose a college so close. I can't even imagine if he had stayed with his original choice, UCLA. I'm so glad he's so close. Close enough if he needs me, and far enough away to find himself.
But you just know that there are more orange chicken dinners coming for those weekends he comes home with his stack of laundry.
I can't wait!!!!
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