A few hours ago I gave my power-lifter son a great big hug, told him I loved him through burgeoning tears, and left him standing in his new dorm room with his new roommate. I made his little sister take our picture, and then it was Dad's turn for a hug and a pic, then little sister wanted one too. Ian obliged, uncomfortable and slightly annoyed, but I can see his dimpled smile in every single picture we took.
A few hours before this moment, we were at home, loading up our car with about eight Office Max boxes filled with all his clothes, textbooks and school supplies, toiletries, snacks, his electric guitar and amp (small one), his dart board, a small refrigerator, a cork board, a fold-up table, new sheets and pillow cases, new towels and throw pillows, and much more. He said goodbye to our pets--three cats and a dog, telling each he would miss them and gave them a pat on the head.
The hour prior to that he went to see his girlfriend of two years and say goodbye. I can only imagine how that went. She has another year of high school, and I think she probably has cried more than I have. Poor thing.
The day before, my husband and I ran around with his college dorm checklist, marking off much-needed supplies like a mini-tool kit, first aid kit, a fan, lightbulbs, snacks, area-rug, utensils, etc. He came home and showed us what he got--a disco ball and strobe light. Someone's focusing on fun. I laughed so hard.
The night before he spent with her doing fun things; they went to eat, went bowling, and came back here and watched TV, their favorite show "Fringe". Except for the fact that we knew he was going to be leaving for college in less than 24 hours, it was an uneventful day like so many summer days we've had. The night before that, it was his "last dinner at home" (I made my "famous" orange chicken: it takes 3 hours to cook and 10 minutes to devour); his "last lunch at home", that sort of countdown that was shadowed by sadness.
We've known this day was coming for like, oh, the last 18 years?! From the moment you know you are pregnant, everyone talks about "saving for college" and honestly, until it is right upon you, it as as abstract as the actual baby you will be holding after it's born. You can't really imagine it; you think you can, but you know that you really can't prepare for it. You know that when it happens, you will be okay though. There are books, there are classes, but there's nothing that REALLY prepares you for parenthood OR sending your ex-baby who's now taller than you and weighs more than you to college.
I kept hearing from the parents of adult kids all summer, "By the time it's time for him to go, you will be SO ready for him to go." I started to understand what these people meant. All summer it was his job, his girlfriend, and the gym. It was like a ferris wheel that never stopped. Coming home past 1:00 am; and the considerate texts that let me know he was "on his way" home still worried me and kept me awake. Sooner or later, fall had to arrive, and summer had to end. There's so much more for him out there in this big world than a minimum-wage job and hanging out with his friends.
Between graduating middle school Valedictorian, having taken college classes since age 16, graduating high school this past June with high honors (GPA 3.7) and all his AP classes/tests and outstanding ACT score, this kid is destined for so much more. He could've gotten into just about any college he chose; and he chose UW-Madison. He easily got in.
When the tears come, I remember the alternative: a teenager with no ambition who won't hold a job and smokes pot all day. That's where my mind goes. I am SO relieved he turned out so well. I'd like to pat myself and my husband on the proverbial back, but honestly? Ian gets all the credit. HE'S the one who worked his ass off to get where he is. I didn't do it! His dad didn't do it! HE did. He cared enough to succeed.
It's our job as parents to give our kids a great start. I hope that Ian always knows just how very loved he is; that no matter what, we are always here for him. Kids worry so much about "measuring up" and "avoiding failure", but the truth is, a good parent really doesn't have many pre-conceived notions about whom he should become. The only thing that we really worry about is drinking and drugs. I don't care what he major is. I don't care if he drops pre-med and goes into engineering. I don't have a pre-conceived idea of who my son should be. All we want it for him to live up to his POTENTIAL. A kid who's doing Calc 3 at age 16 is destined for more than a minimum wage job is my point. I don't need him to be a doctor for me, so that I can brag about him. I'm already bragging about him, because of his CHARACTER. He is the most honest kid I've ever known (next to his baby sister), and seeing him with girlfriend, he is the most loving, honest and attentive boyfriend a girl could ask for. He's a one-woman man, and is devoted to her.
As he enters his college days, of course we hope that he will open his mind to the possibility of having other relationships. As a middle-aged person, I have insight into what a 20-year marriage is really like. From our own wedding back in 1993, we've realized that more than half of the couples there that day have divorced. I told him one day this summer, "How would you know she's THEE person for you to spend the rest of your life with if you've never dated anyone else?" Of course, there are those couples out there that have met in high school (or earlier) and have truly been perfect for one another. I tell him, "You don't want to end up at 40 with a mortgage and kids and look at her and wonder what else is out there?" College is the time to do that. Not at 40.
I look back at my own college days, and they were so vastly different from Ian's. I went to a commuter school; I didn't leave home till I was 22. I regret not having realized I could've moved out and gone somewhere else. My parents didn't encourage me; I didn't have the resources to know I could've reached higher. I'm certain that's why giving Ian all the choices and opportunities is so important to me. I want him to have what I didn't. Isn't that what every parent wants?
And I know that our youngest, who just started high school today, will have an even more emotional mom as she trots off to her new college life. The young women of her generation are absolutely the luckiest generation of women ever to exist. She is unaware of gender discrimination and something we called, "the glass ceiling". Women of her generation are growing up feeling not just equal to their male peers but somewhat superior to them. There are more females vs. males attending college than ever before, and women have society's approval to "have it all." No longer does anyone look down their noses at women who maintain careers and having children. In ten years, after my daughter's graduated college and possibly getting married and having kids, her generation will have probably not only figured out how to REALLY "have it all" but feel good about herself in the process. I pray for the day when women stop feeling guilty about themselves and their choices, and the media stops making women feel that a flat stomach is really the end-all and be-all of importance.
It's so easy to be envious of my children as they go off into the big, wide world. The world is such a different place now. I know, I know, every parent says that. And every generation that is true. When we went for our son's 2-day college registration and tour, I was more excited than he was! I was ready to blink myself back to age 18 and enroll. There is SO much I want to do now that I either didn't have the resources available to me to pursue them or the courage to try. Now I have both. I am considering going back for my master's, or trying something completely different. Just because I can.
I am so excited for Ian. He truly has the world at his fingertips. In his three years of high school here in Wisconsin, he has seen friends drop out of college and pursue music; he's had friends go off to other states for college, and he's had friends die in a car accident due to drinking. He's well-aware that it's up to him to decide if he even wants to have a future or not. And what kind of future that might be?
We discussed one night what it might really be like to become a doctor. He has expressed interest in being a cardiologist. He thought out loud about the extra years of school; interning, and getting established. He said, "If I want a marriage and kids, I can't really become a cardiologist because I'd never see them." I admire the way he's processing his choices clearly; knowing himself well and what kind of life he wants after college.
Since we moved here, he has been around many kids with millionaire parents. We unwittingly moved to a very nice area where it's not unusual for his friends to jet off to Costa Rica, Punta Cana, and other exotic places "every spring break." We stay home and get extra sleep.
Ian has worked the last two years at Qdoba, a yummy Mexican restaurant that is like a Subway but Mexican food. He's got a great work ethic--always on time, never called in sick, worked for others when they asked him. He knows that if he doesn't succeed in college, it will be Qdoba metaphorically for the rest of his life. He wants more for himself than a minimum-waged job, and with that kids' smarts, he can reach for higher. As parents, our job is to transfer that belief in our kid, to our kids believing in themselves. If they don't think they can do it, they won't try. It doesn't matter if we know they can do it; they need to believe that if they try, they can succeed.
We remind him that who he hangs out with will determine which path he takes. And one thing I'm SO excited about is his college. At registration, they explained their emphasis on philanthropy. I have met some amazing students every single time we've been there. There is so much social support for the students; they go the extra effort to make sure they are paid attention to. It's not a matter of, "that's your kid, why should WE worry about them?" but rather, "While they're students here, we will parent them for you as much as possible." And I swear, they have. There is a student center if he gets sick. Everything's covered with the cost of tuition. There are student leaders in the dorms that we met yesterday that were friendly and attentive, and they continue to look out for our kid (and yours) every day. They were riding up and down in the elevators, seeing to it that our needs were met--that we knew where his room was and did we need any help carrying anything? The social support is tremendous. I felt like hugging every single red-T-shirted student leader I saw.
I'm so relieved Ian doesn't have his car. Freshmen aren't allowed cars. He lives in a dorm with another really great kid we got to meet (and his mom) and I'm sure they'll lean on each other as they both find their way. It made my heart bounce when Ian leaned into another dorm room on the way to his and said hello to another student he recognized from his high school! And guess what--this kid had a disco ball too! He and his roommate had everything all set up and it looked like they were having a blast. I SO wanted to be 18 again and do it all differently. I knew at that moment, Ian's going to be just fine.
We know kids always worry that no one will like them; that they'll have to eat lunch alone and that they're unlikeable. Of course we know our Ian won't have that problem, who wouldn't like him?? But that's something that even as grown-ups we worry about when we start a new job. Who will eat lunch with us? Will anybody like me? He told me he wasn't worried about academics. He knows he'll do well in his classes; it's "fitting in" he worries about. Of course we reassure him; it's just a matter of getting rid of us, the parents, and letting him find his way.
We giggle that he's never had to share a room with anyone. Now he's sleeping in a bunkbed that's more like a prison cot. I know he will miss so many things about home; and when he does make the trip home I will get to spoil him again. Being a good a parent means giving your kids the tools they need to succeed beyond your grasp. It is so hard letting go, but like I said earlier, it sure beats the alternative, a grown child still living at home past the teen years. We really need to let them find themselves out of our line of sight. There comes a time when we really don't need to know everything they think and do.
I think that it starts when they're very young. You see these parents who are afraid to let their kids spend the night at friends' houses or try certain sports. They are overprotective and honestly, the message they're sending their kids is that the world is a scary place. They send messages to their kids that they can't trust themselves to make the right choices and overprotecting, in my opinion, just leads to kids feeling bad about themselves. It's so hard being a parent; keeping them safe and letting them explore their world at the same time.
No parent is perfect, and all our choices must come from love and honesty. When I stumble, and I do often, I'm the parent that says, "I'm sorry." We can't pretend we know everything just because we're older and we've "been there." Our kids aren't us. The world they're living in is different than the world we grew up in and we have much to learn from them.
As my former 8-pound-13 ouncer goes out into the big, wide world, I cry tears of joy for eighteen and half years so far being his mom. He's made me a better person just by being himself. I cry for all the fun we had; for being there every single day for him, and I thank God he was born healthy and has made it this far given he's got an emotional nut for a mom. I cry tears of worry since I can't control things anymore, and all I can do is pray God keeps him safe and he makes good choices. I see my big, powerlifter son with his enormous biceps and piercing blue eyes, and just love him with all my heart. That's what I'm good at.
And so now our daughter is a stunning almost 14-year-old, and entering high school. I have four years of doting on her and preparing her for that moment when it will be HER packing for college. Helping her brother move into his dorm yesterday will leave an indelible mark on her psyche for when it will be her turn. She got to see that he will be all right; that he can be happy and sad at the same time. She got to see her parents cry and be happy for him, and see us let go and trust. I think she knows that we have communicated our belief in him by giving him the space and opportunity to find his passion and not dictate it for him. He's made all the right choices up to this point; we've just guided him and gave him the financial backing.
Ah, the empty nest. It's not empty yet, but his room is nearly empty, since he took most of it with him. It's painful to see, and I think I'll be avoiding the downstairs basement because of it. But he's only an hour away and I thank God that he chose a college so close. I can't even imagine if he had stayed with his original choice, UCLA. I'm so glad he's so close. Close enough if he needs me, and far enough away to find himself.
But you just know that there are more orange chicken dinners coming for those weekends he comes home with his stack of laundry.
I can't wait!!!!
