To cover or not to cover? That is the question

I'll bet you didn't know that just by living here in Wisconsin, my tushie has obviously passed the clean booty test.  Hahaha! Take THAT you Californians!!!!!

Moving to a new city, a new state, somewhere where you've never even visited is always laced with challenges. Along with the usual learning how to get around--where we live there are many back roads with weird names like "BB" and "KE" that aren't really names at all. It can get very confusing and it's easy to get lost. Many addresses like mine aren't even found on your GPS so don't give me that, "just use your GPS" b/s.  Every American city has its cultural mores and even though we all speak the same language, well, different accents are hard to get used to just like certain traditions they may have. Here in Wisconsin, the big things here are Friday night fish fry (bleh! double bleh! explains the obesity factor), deer hunting (you know how I feel about that already) and the Packers. But one of the hardest things I've had getting used to living here is the lack of toilet paper covers in public restrooms.

I am really bothered by this! What is it about Wisconsin tushies anyway? Are they cleaner than California butts? Now I've lived here a little more than a year now, and I can't find a restaurant or store whose bathrooms offer toilet seat covers. I'm appalled by this, and frankly tired of making my own little covers with those flimsy single-ply strips of cheap toilet paper that stick to your bottom when you stand up.  I'm appalled every time a woman goes in and out of a stall without doing likewise. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE PEOPLE?!

Now I haven't done any research on the subject of toilet seats and germs, and frankly I don't see the need to. It's obvious. Have you ever gone into a stall and seen blood or urine on the seat? I know, that's disgusting. It's not as uncommon as one might think. (Major wake-up call to you lucky men out there who get to stand!) So what does a person do in this situation? Usually clean it up yourself with toilet paper if you're in one of those situations where you stood in line for that stall with a full bladder during halftime at a Packer game. If you're lucky and the bathroom's not busy, you just groan with disgust and go into another stall. Thank GOD someone else gets paid to clean up these things.

What about the stuff on that toilet seat you CAN'T see? And don't tell me stuff isn't there. This is NOT rockets science here folks. I don't need a microscope and a laboratory to tell me the person who sat here before me is a complete stranger and God only knows where their rear end has been. A public restroom isn't my home! I am completely aware of where my children's and husband's butts have been so I don't mind sharing toilet seats with them. And I'm pretty aware of how often they get cleaned at home (No, I don't have a worker who comes in every hour and marks a little checkmark on the back of the door--but it's good enough for me). We also keep a canister of those handy disinfecting wipes so if something, um, spills, that person can clean it up nice and discreetly.

Now I haven't travelled much, and the only other place I've ever been that is also a highly industrialized nation that doesn't use toilet seat covers is New Zealand. It freaked me out there too. That was the first time I had to face the fact that the seat covers weren't offered anywhere at all except the airport. Same with Milwaukee's airport. I guess the people in charge at the airports somehow mutually agreed that all those traveler's hindquarters couldn't be trusted to be as clean as they needed to be. If people actually passed the aiport bathroom safety test and went on to visit outside establishments such as restaurants and stores, toilet seat covers weren't going to be necessary. Hmmm! Interesting. Their tushies are considered unsanitary at the airport, but once outside the airport, they are acceptably clean enough. I wonder if this discrepancy ever crossed anoyone's minds?

Well, it's crossed mine, and I'm very disturbed by this. I'm not even a germaphobe--I consider myself to be your every day run-of-the-mill conscientious person but this situation has gotten out of control. It's totally contradictory in that bathrooms have really started to play into the whole germaphobe mindset with all the faucets and towel racks that turn on automatically without touching anything. I know hands are just about the grossest thing out there in the world, we are always touching our noses and faces and doorknobs and all that. Yes, I get that. But what about our derierres? You mean to tell me they're cleaner than our hands?? EW!! Maybe cleaner, but CLEAN?!

And don't even get me going about all those horror stories about countries who don't even provide toilet paper. I'm ahead of you on that one. I will either never visit them or if I do, go armed and ready with a complete supply of everything I'll need when I'm in those compromising situations.

I've actually asked workers in various places why they don't supply toilet seat covers. I get the same dumb blank stare every time. "Uh, I don't know" is the usual answer. If I'm feeling Andy-Rooney-like, and I often do feel Andy-Rooney-like, I'll poke further and say something like, "Did it ever occur to you that toilet seat covers are provided in other states?" (I'm careful not to admit I'm from California because, well, Wisconsinites don't think very highly of us California folk and I'm not willing to provide fuel for their fire).  I'll get another blank stare and a response like, "uh, no, I didn't know that." And if I'm feeling VERY Andy-Rooney-like, I'll poke further and say something like, "Have you ever thought about how ironic it is that their are seat covers in the airport bathrooms but not everywhere else?" It's just this fun thing I do. My life is very exciting.

I think the bidet people get it. We are soul mates. Whoever dreamed up the bidet is my hero. Why aren't THEY standard in public restrooms? Ah, of course, they're expensive. I heard that argument. I actually got my first blast of cold water on my girl parts at an Asian restaurant in Fresno. (My Reedley/Fresno fans reading this are nodding their heads--you know which one I'm talking about!) and it was a fun experience. On my birthday one year, a group of my girlfriends and I went there for dinner and got a little tipsy and took turns going into the one stall that had the bidet just for the fun of it. We howled every time it got real quiet, then we heard the whooshing sound and the giggling "OOOO!" that followed. How fun! We got our business done and bathed at the same time! No germs, no cut-out paper that usually falls into the toilet on the first try and no little strips of paper stuck to our legs!! Yay!!!

I know I'm not alone here. I'm curious to hear your views people. And remember, I took an airplane here when I moved from California, I didn't drive and stop in 10 states along the way. Sometimes I wish I had; I'd know whose got the clean tushies around American and who doesn't.

California, I'm embarrassed now. What can I say? I try to defend you as self-righteously as I can. But I guess our bottoms just don't measure up to Wisconsin's. I feel defeated.

But like you won't be hearing me say, "you betcha" or shooting deer anytime soon, I will not abandon my self-made toilet seat covers. If it makes me different, I'm ok with that.

In my next life, I want to come back as a man.

But Wisconsinites, I just gotta ask ya---where's YOUR butt been today??

"Just Do It" and other silly notions about resolutions

Happy New Year! Welcome 2012! Fresh slate; a brand-new year has begun. The annual tradition of resolution-making is well under way for many people. I've had the same resolution year after year after year, that still hasn't been crossed off my to-do list. I can't tell you what it is because you will tell me, "Just Do It", like the Nike slogan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, if it were that easy, I'd have done it by now. And that's the thing about resolutions--we make hard ones we are unlikely to keep.

What if we were to make resolutions like my friend revealed to me the other night: "eat less pasta." Now that's one she can probably accomplish with little self-injury. How about a resolution to "watch more TV"? If you're someone like me who can never stop moving, this is actually an improvement to my quality of life. My children rarely see me in other than upright and erect, fastly moving like a vacuum cleaner. How about, "I resolve to step over toys, dirty clothes and other clutter without cussing." That would be a good one for me. I could possibly do this. (We could also make a resolution to pick up after ourselves so I wouldn't have to even make that cussing resolution in the first place, but I'm just as much a slob as my children are. Tim is excluded from this. Poor guy is the neatnik in the family. His resolution would probably be similar--step over clutter, refrain from cussing, and refrain from picking up after us once again). 

Here's another resolution I bet most people could make and keep--"Text people back ASAP." It's frustrating to write people and they don't respond. FOR DAYS. Now notice I didn't say anything about phone calls. That's a trickier one. Phone calls interrupt more and I know for a fact that I can't just call someone and talk for 10 minutes; it's like going into Target and not spending at least a hundred dollars. I know I can't do it, so I have to just not go to Target. Same with phone calls. But texting is quicker and less intrusive. You write me a sentence, I write you back a sentence. See how easy that is? That took a total of one minute. I can text you when I'm in the bathroom but I can't call you from there. If you're stuck in the 20th century and don't text at all, well, that's one less resolution you'll have to make but you're getting left out of the loop.

We make ourselves promises to improve our lives, our bodies, our mental health, and the quality of life for those around us. I won't use this blog to wag my finger is anybody's face and make you feel badly if you fall off your resolution band wagon. I'm just as guilty as the next guy. But we CAN give ourselves a pat on the back for the resolutions we have kept, or will be trying to keep as the newness of the new year fades. 

I'm happy to say that I don't have to make any more resolutions to lose weight or get in shape. DONE! I am very proud of that. Are there other things I need to work on? But of course silly! I could probably make a list of 20 things I could do to improve my life and the lives of my loved ones. We all have daily struggles and challenges and you don't need me to remind you about dealing with vices, financial planning, communicating better, eating healthier, yada yada yada. That's called "life". Our pursuit of happiness is laden with trying to balance work and pleasure. Maturing is the thing that spurs us to first admit areas of our lives that aren't working for us, and conquering the immediate gratifications that got us into trouble in the first place.

I'm inspired by the words written, not spoken, by Roger Ebert, who due to a lengthy battle with cancer had his lower jaw removed has permanently lost his ability to eat, drink, and talk forever and "speaks" through a computer-generated voice named "Alex"--

We all know people who have been challenged by physical circumstance (my cousin Brian Hayden, for one--please read his blog www.brianhayden.com). I have been very fortunate in my life SO FAR and I am humbled by people like Brian and Roger, and my close friend Inka and now a new friend who also has had to make very difficult life decisions due to having been diagnosed with breast cancer. 

So spring forth my friends into 2012 with (hopefully!!!) an optimistic outlook that only YOU can make 2012 better for you. It's true that the only person you can change is you; and that you can only control HOW you react to the things that happen TO you; you can't control anyone or anything else. But that doesn't make you powerless. You can accomplish much if you just set your mind to it.

I'm rooting for you.

http://www.esquire.com/features/roger-ebert-0310-4

http://brianhayden.com/
http://www.43things.com/resolutions/trends

The Newsletter that caused my insanity is here!

Dear Readers,

Thank you for your requests that I publish it here. Hope you enjoy!

Love,

Lauren

                                                               *****************

                                                     Merry Christmas from the Kuckelman’s

As I sit down to write this holiday letter, I have to say, ‘I’m so proud of the four of us!”. This is our 2nd Christmas in Wisconsin. We picked up and moved 1800 miles away from family and friends to a “frozen tundra” where we knew not a single soul. So much has changed in one year.

Ian turned 16 in May and got his driver’s license in July! He is driving Tim’s old Honda Civic and he loves his independence.  Mom doesn’t have to drive him around anymore :(  He spent summer with his friends boating on the lake and working!  Ian got his first job! He’s a line-server at Q’doba, a Mexican fast food restaurant where he combines his love of money and available food. He spends his money on nutritional supplements, guitar strings and on his girlfriend. Ian became both a high school junior and a college freshman! He is enrolled at Carroll University taking Calculus 3 with mostly college sophomores and juniors. It’s his favorite class, and his “easiest”. Go figure. He’s still working out at the gym and has joined the weightlifting team at school. He had his first competition this week and placed 3rd overall out of 15 weightlifters in his division!! He can also bounce his pecs up and down and make us all laugh. Ian’s just a great kid and a complete joy to be around.

His little sister Jennifer is a 7th grader this year and turning into quite a lovely young lady. She is self-assured and happy, and is quite a social butterfly. She and her “posse” of girlfriends have sleepovers and make horrendous messes in the kitchen they call “baking”. They are an adorable group of friends and they are all so fun to be around. Jennifer is taking guitar as well. Three guitarists now in the family! She loves music and she has tried to teach me to “Dougie”  to the new Dubstep music trend. It’s not pretty. She’s attending school dances and loves her school. She likes how they all have lockers and the kids decorate them for each other’s birthdays. Jennifer still rides her beloved Poetry, who’s boarded about a mile away. She’s very much interested in fashion and design and she makes clothes by hand for her Barbies. Jennifer herself looks more beautiful than any model the way she tastefully wears her make-up and clothes, and all her friends let her do make-overs on them! She is a happy-go-lucky girl, a free-spirit and she is absolutely a joy to be around.

Tim has been Vice President of E-Commerce at Kohl’s now for one year, and we are so proud of him. We also love all the sales at Kohl’s and make sure we support him by shopping there as often as possible. He travels a lot to his warehouses during the week but we almost always have him home on weekends. Tim’s favorite things to do are making big breakfasts for the kids and their friends on Saturdays. We celebrated our 20th year since we met and our 18th wedding anniversary in April. We are still crazy about each other and love being home with the kids. For fun, we are in a band together--Tim rocks the guitar and sings, and I sing, and we love performing with our band, Rok Kandi. It’s something fun we get to do together; practicing and learning new songs. We also try to play tennis together on Sundays.

Like Ian, I got a job too! I started working in March as a part-time bartender at the gym we go to. It was my saving grace, as I finally started to make friends. I love my job as I get paid to talk to people. Perfect, huh?! I love weightlifting almost as much as Ian and I also started tennis lessons in summer. I have become addicted and play in a women’s league. I’ve been taking private vocal lessons for a year now, and my vocal coach has become a dear friend as well.  I’m also still the nutty animal girl who loves to feed the squirrels and chipmunks and cardinals. Tim calls their food “bait” for the cats.

We have adjusted to the weird weather here--summer is warm but not hot like Reedley was (much to Ian’s dismay) and there are a lot of thunderstorms. We like those. We all got to experience our very first blizzard in February and the kids got a snow day off from school--their very first! Wisconsin has become home for us now, especially since some very special family and friends have come to visit us--Randy, Inka and her twin daughters; and Tim’s mom Carolyn has come twice and she and Don are planning a trip soon. We love being near them and family in Kansas and have made the 10-hour drive twice.  It was great seeing everyone at Don’s 80th birthday party in August! Next--make a trip to Texas to see new grand-nephew baby Graham! With Ian driving now, Tim and I like to sit in the back seat. We have a beautiful guest room -we will spoil you rotten--just ask Inka- so please come see us!! We flew back to California last December to see my family and our friends. We miss so many dear friends and family in California and Kansas. We wish you all a happy healthy holiday season. We feel very blessed and are very grateful to have each and every one of you who is holding this newsletter in our lives.  

Love always and God bless, 

The Kuckelman’s

P.S. We are all on Facebook! If we are not already “friends” please add us so we can better keep in touch!

Proof That I'm Insane

A miracle happened today. It's only December 14th, and I mailed my Christmas cards today! I dropped them into the box outside the post office at approximately 8:57 a.m. this morning after dropping my daughter off at school. How is this a miracle, you may be wondering??

I love the ritual of Christmas cards. Ever since I was a kid; my parents used to get tons of Christmas cards every year when my dad still worked for the Herald Examiner. Back then, cards were more glamourous than they are today. They were mini works of art; beautiful Christmas landscapes filled with snow, beautifully decorated homes, all resounding with the peace and love of home and family. My mom would tape each one up just tilted every-so-slightly, equi-distant apart from one another, displayed on the coat closet door--in the living room--the first place you'd see it when you entered the room. I wasn't big enough to reach the top cards, but from my small stature I'd revel in the beauty of them as they glimmered in the light. I didn't recognize any of the names of course; I had no idea who any of these people were that were sending all these beautiful cards. I wanted to meet them. They were secret, magical mystical people my dad worked with at his secret, magical, mystical desk in some building somewhere in Los Angeles. It was all very exciting to a small child like me.

Is it any wonder I am just like my mother now with the whole Christmas card business?? I have taken over where she's left off. My parents have been retired for some time; the lovely Christmas cards they used to receive trickled off when my dad was laid off in 1975. In her hurt and dismay, my mother retorted that if they had been "real friends" the cards would still be coming. I didn't know what to do with that.

So here I am, many many years later, stressing myself out trying to get my Christmas cards out before they should actually say, "Happy Easter".  It's all self-induced. I know that. I can't help myself.

I used to do individual Christmas cards, you know, the boxed kind. I felt that a person's choice of a Christmas card said a lot about them, so I took great pains to choose boxed cards that reflected my personality, or rather, our personality as a family. I didn't really care for the religious ones or the Norman Rockwell artsy kind but rather the humorous ones, poking fun at either Santa or his reindeer--you know, the kind you love to get. A card that makes you laugh. That's me. I usually bought them around Thanksgiving, eager to get started. I'd usually do the envelopes first; the boring part. Then, one by one, I'd not only write "Love and God Bless, the Kuckelman's", but I'd write a mini-biography of our year in each one. We have moved so many times, and we have family and friends strewn all over the globe, and honestly, the only communication we have with some of them is the annual Christmas card tradition. Of course I was so worried I'd turn into one of those braggy moms and yes, I admit, I am. Hey, it comes with being a parent, and I'm so lucky to say I've got the kind of kids worth bragging about. Not every parent can say that. But the newsletter is only the beginning.

Don't forget the most important missing ingredient--the ultimate Christmas family photo.

We had a ritual for about ten years, since the year Ian was born, to have a professional sitting once a year. I'd happily schedule it for the Saturday BEFORE Thanksgiving, before the onslaught. I was so proud of myself. My husband would sulk and my toddlers would throw tantrums and I'd ignore their pleas for mercy and trudge us all into the photo studio year after year. I told them, "you'll thank me someday." (still waiting). But the year we stopped was the year the photos turned out absolutely frightening--I think they started hiring unqualified temporary workers for the holidays and I was mortified. I refused to pay for them and gave them back; bawling, I instructed them to just throw them in the trash. I resisted telling them what I REALLY thought of their skills as photographers.

So it became my duty to take our OWN perfect Christmas family photo every year! This was the beginning of the digital age, and it honestly couldn't have been more perfect timing. Instead of an expensive and angry family outing, we had an inexpensive and angry family afternoon trying to capture a harmonious photo of the four of us here at home. Last year was my favorite. Having just moved to Wisconsin from a lifetime of sunny California, I fantasized about a photo of the four of us standing by snowman we'd made ourselves. The snow obliged, but no one told me that Wisconsin snow is too soft to make into snowballs let alone snowmen. All dressed up for the picture and freezing in the frigid air, we were exhausted and my family was beyond annoyed with me. I settled for a pic of the four of us standing in our backyard, snow up to our ankles, taken by a little friend of my daughter's. It was dusk, and we ended up looking more of a silhouette. You couldn't really see our faces, no matter how hard I tried to Photoshop it. It was exasperating. Once again, self-induced. I realize this.

Doing this was so tedious, my Christmas cards never went out before Christmas Eve. It just took too damn long.  Between hand-writing each and every card and the pursuit of the perfect Norman Rockwell family photo, I got wise. Not only did I start writing a newsletter about 5 years ago, this year I didn't require my family to get together for a photo. Yes, it's been sad, sad defeat for me; we can't get all four of us together for even one picture a year. This year I decided I'd scroll through all the pictures on my computer from the year and find of of the four of us and use it, like many people do. We didn't take any vacations, so none there. I was saddened to realize there was not ONE photo of all four of us taken the entire year!!! So what the hell was I going to do?!!?! MAKE A PHOTO COLLAGE, THAT'S WHAT!!!!!

There were so many good pics to choose from, I actually made 2 collages. My husband shrieked at my insanity. "You can't send out two sheets of pictures!" he scolded me. "But I can't decide which ones to delete!" I shrieked back at him. I sighed a big huge sigh, and realized that if I made the pics really small I could fit them all on one sheet!! I was so happy!! Hahaha WINNING!!!!!!!

But my perfect plan hit a snag. I had all the envelopes made out in red Sharpie (festive yes?), actual Christmas stamps (some Hanukkah ones for the Jews in my family. Perfectionist here!), custom Christmas family address labels with our likeness (leftover from last year, thankfully we didn't move again), and cute little stickers on the backs of the envelopes. I sought and sought for the perfect newsletter paper to print them on--40 sheets for about $10.  I STUPIDLY BOUGHT EXACTLY THE AMOUNT THAT I THOUGHT I'D NEED. And lo and behold, wouldn't you know, after printing 20 perfect copies, the ink started to run out and ruined about 20 of the remaining sheets I had. I was distraught of course. Ruined!!! What was I to do?? I didn't have time to go all the way back to Office Max and buy more paper and with my luck, they'd be out of them anyway. So.....I looked and looked online for free borders for paper to make my own. Sure, they'll be different from the rest I'd already printed out, but I was okay with that. As long as they were festive. No boring plain paper for this girl!!! Well guess what?? There weren't any free ones. I am too cheap to even pay a dollar. And now it's December 13th. What was I willing to do?? Time is running out. I want to get these f***ing Christmas cards mailed NOW!!!!!!!

As I drove my daughter to school, went to the gym, and thought about the newsletters that still needed to be printed on my fantasy perfectly festive paper that was expensive and unattainable, I decided to make peace with PLAIN OLD WHITE PAPER. Yes, the bane of my existence--the proof that a person has absolutely NO imagination whatsoever---plain, old, boring, white printer paper.

I've made peace with myself over this. I think about the time and money I've saved, and I've made the best of a bad situation. Even though I was armed with enough replacement ink cartridges to furnish my daughter's school to avoid precisely what ended up happening because I got distracted. The ink ran out, and sparsely inked hieiogyphic ruined Christmas newsletter paper. I relented and used plain old boring white paper for the 25 or so newsletters left just to get them done. I stand accused, tried, and convicted. I sobbed quietly while folding them with my perfect collage into my perfectly addressed envelopes. I just somehow feel like I've let them down.

I gave myself a cheerful little pep-talk about how happy my friends and family will be to receive my newsletter and photo collage, and probably won't even notice the paper isn't Christmas-y. I know, I know, many of you will open the envelope and shriek, "HER NEWSLETTER IS ON PLAIN, OLD, BORING WHITE PAPER! DOESN'T SHE HAVE ANY IMAGINATION AT ALL?? JEEZ!!' And yes, I have to live with that.

And some of you won't even get one. In the move here, I can't find my Official Christmas Card Address List. I'm sorry. I really am. I hope you'll still send me a card so I can send you one back. There's still time!!

Those of you that got the Christmas-y newsletter paper know that you got the best I had to offer. The rest of you, my condolences. I hope you can see past this omission of character and forgive me.

At least I can brag that you got it before Easter.

Celebrities Who've Attempted Suicide--may surprise you

This shouldn't be as shocking as it first appears. As someone who's a suicide survivor (which doesn't mean I've attempted suicide myself--it means I have lost a loved one to suicide) it is interesting reading. We suicide survivors are always left with the "why" someone has tried to kill themselves; those who've attempted but didn't die can help us understand the mindset at the time of attempt.

In my opinion, it appears that loss of hope that circumstances will ever be better, combined with clinical depression, cause many suicide attempts. It's interesting to do further reading, and find out, "how did they climb out of their depression?", and "were they ultimately glad they didn't die?"

Here's the list. You can click on the link for reader comments.

A Surprisingly Long List of People Who’ve Attempted Suicide
by Sandy Wood - September 5, 2007 - 3:00 AM

   

 

I was surprised and saddened last week to read of the reported suicide attempt by actor Owen Wilson.Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums are staff favorites here, and we’re definitely hoping and wishing for Wilson’s full recovery. But as I started thinking about the comedy star, and mulling over the constant stress of his profession, it made me realize just how pervasive attempted suicide is among high-profile people. Here are some selected 20th century celebs who attempted suicide, but managed to turn their lives around:

Halle Berry – admitted to Parade magazine that, distraught over her failed marriage to baseball star David Justice, she tried to end her life by carbon monoxide poisoning.

Greg Louganis – depressed, abused and confused, Greg attempted suicide three times (including once by an aspirin-and-Ex Lax combo) after a knee injury at age 12 ruined his dream of becoming an Olympic gymnast. Luckily, he recovered, and made it to the Games as a diver.

James Stockdale – H. Ross Perot’s former running mate attempted suicide while a POW at Hoa Lo Prison in Vietnam in 1969 to avoid torture.

Donna Summer – tried to leap from an 11-story window at a New York hotel at the peak of her career in 1976, but was discovered by a housekeeper.

Drew Carey – after a rough childhood that included sexual molestation by an unknown party and his father’s death, the lovable Price is Right host attempted suicide twice in his teen years.

Mike Wallace – in a 2006 retrospective honoring his retirement as a 60 Minutescorrespondent, Wallace revealed a suicide attempt twenty years prior.

Paul Robeson – the “Ol’ Man River” vocalist tried to off himself by slashing his wrists in a Moscow hotel room in 1961, although his son (Paul Jr.) claims the event was caused by a CIA/FBI conspiracy that drugged him with LSD.

Elizabeth Taylor – hoped to end her life in February 1962 with an overdose of Seconal, although she said she did so only because she “needed to get away.”

Fred “Rerun” Berry – the What’s Happening!! star said he tried to kill himself three times prior to finding religion in 1984.

Robert Young – yes, even the Father Knows Best father fell victim to depression later in life, culminating in a 1991 attempt on his own life.

And an alphabetical list of some others: 

Maxene Andrews – survived after attempting suicide via a pill overdose in 1954, distraught over the breakup of the vocal group she’d formed with her siblings, The Andrews Sisters.

Adam Ant – tried to OD on pills in his early 20s after breaking up with his girlfriend.

Mary Astor – alcoholism led to a reported suicide attempt in 1951 with sleeping pills; she maintained it was an accident.

Tai Babilonia – attempted suicide after she became addicted to alcohol and amphetamines following her Olympic skating disappointment in 1980.

Drew Barrymore – after leaving drug rehab in 1989 at the age of 14, she tried to kill herself, but received treatment and successfully kicked the habit.

Brigitte Bardot – attempted suicide several times, first as a teenager. At 26, she downed a bottle of sleeping pills and slit her wrists, but recovered. “I took pills because I didn’t want to throw myself off my balcony and know people would photograph me lying dead below.”

Danny Bonaduce – made headlines by attempting suicide in 2005 during the filming of the reality showBreaking Bonaduce after his wife asked him for a divorce. Neither the attempt (nor the subsequent hospitalization) was shown on-screen.

Maria Callas – frustrated with her efforts to lure Aristotle Onassis away from then-wife Jackie Kennedy, she reportedly tried to OD on barbiturates in May 1970 (but later denied the attempt).

Martine Carol – thought that a triple-whammy of alcohol, drugs, and drowning would end her life when this French actress threw herself into the Seine at the age of 26. The cab driver who drove her there ended up saving her life.

Nell Carter – became addicted to cocaine and attempted suicide during the run of her hit TV show Gimme a Break.

Johnny Cash – in 1967, the “man in black” withdrew to a cave just north of Chattanooga, Tennessee, hoping to lose his way (and his life). He found his way out.

Gary Coleman – announced in 1993 that he had tried to commit suicide twice by taking sleeping pills.

Nadia Comaneci – while she denied it for years, the gymnastics legend was so stressed out (due to several factors, including her parents’ divorce) that she tried to end her life by drinking bleach just two years after her 1976 Olympics success.

Sammy Davis, Jr. – the biography Me and My Shadow reveals that a distraught Davis, fed up with cracks about his race, religion, and height, tried to kill himself on his wedding night by driving off a cliff.

Diana, Princess of Wales – told an interviewer that she threw herself down some stairs while pregnant with William, hoping to put an end to her unhappiness.

Walt Disney – the Leonard Mosley biography Disney’s World reveals a rumored suicide attempt.

Micky Dolenz – performed a suicide scene in The Monkees’ 1968 film Head, then tried it for real a few years later after the band had broken up by walking into traffic and sitting down in the roadway.

Patty Duke – bipolar disorder resulted in several attempted suicides during her life.

Eminem – tried to overdose on Tylenol in 1996 after wife Kim Mathers dumped him. She attempted suicide four years later by slitting her wrists.

Marianne Faithfull – attempted suicide in Australia 1969, after which she broke up with boyfriend Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones.

Peter Fonda – in 1950, a few months after his mother committed suicide, the 10-year-old shot himself in the stomach. Claims it was “stupid and accidental,” but some believe it was the youngster’s attempt at taking his own life.

Clark Gable – hoped to die during a high-speed motorbike rampage shortly after wife Carol Lombard was killed. He then joined the Army and flew missions over Germany during World War II.

Stan Getz – the celebrated saxophonist became addicted to heroin and tried to kill himself with a drug overdose in 1954 when police confronted him over an ill-fated attempt to rob a Seattle pharmacy. He spent three days in a coma.

Dwight “Doc” Gooden – in 1994, the troubled former Cy Young Award winner held a 9mm pistol to his head before his wife took it from him.

Ken Griffey, Jr. – in 1988, just months after signing a lucrative pro baseball contract, the 18-year-old ingested over 200 aspirin to escape insults from fans and arguments with his father. He recovered after time in intensive care.

Mariette Hartley – attempted suicide (as did her mother) after her father died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound in 1962. Now an advocate for suicide prevention.

Susan Hayward – the breakup of marriage to Jess Barker, and the related custody battle for her sons, led to a 1966 suicide attempt.

Houston – the R&B singer was stopped after he tried to throw himself out of a hotel window in 2005, and then gouged out his own eye. Reports vary as to the reason behind this behavior.

Betty Hutton – her father killed himself after leaving her mother. In 1970, Betty tried to take her own life when her singing voice faltered.

Michael Jackson – in June 2005, a bogus, trojan-laced email reporting on a suicide attempt by the “king of pop” (just before he was found not guilty) infected computers worldwide. While that report was false, some sources claim Jackson did try to off himself that December.

Billy Joel – after the failure of his band Attila, attempted suicide in late 1970 by drinking furniture polish. “It looked tastier than bleach,” he later revealed.

Elton John – tried to kill himself by sticking his head in a gas stove, but writing partner Bernie Taupin found him “lying on a pillow, and he’d opened all the windows.” The two collaborated on the song “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” to tell the story.

Sally Kirkland – the actress spent her 20s mired in drugs until a suicide attempt literally scared her straight.

Shelley Long – despite tabloid reports that her 2004 overdose on painkillers was a suicide attempt, the Cheers star claims she simply overmedicated herself in order to cope with the breakup of her marriage to Bruce Tyson.

Ginger Lynn – at the age of 12, the future porn star ingested a cocktail of medications to escape from her mother’s constant abuse.

Jeanette MacDonald – tried to overdose on pills after learning of Nelson Eddy’s marriage in 1939; was saved by W.S. Van Dyke (who later killed himself).

Mindy McCready – the country singer announced in 2005 that she had twice attempted suicide due to problems with boyfriend William McKnight, who had once nearly choked her to death.

Robert McFarlane – the National Security Advisor tried to end his life in 1987 over his involvement with the Iran-Contra scandal. He took an estimated 30 tablets of Valium.

Sinéad O’Connor – claims to have been haunted by thoughts of suicide her whole life. Reportedly attempted it in 1993, and then swallowed 20 Valium tablets in a failed 1999 suicide attempt.

Jennifer O’Neill – first attempted suicide at the age of 14, and then “accidentally” shot herself in the stomach in 1983, but recovered.

Ozzy Osbourne – not only did he supposedly inspire self-slaughter with the song “Suicide Solution,” but Ozzy admits to having attempted to off himself several times during his life, even as a teenager.

Marie Osmond – The National Enquirer reported that the singer’s hospitalization in the summer of 2006 was due to an attempted suicide, but she and her publicists wrote it off to a reaction to medication.

Terrell Owens – the volatile NFL star denied a September 2006 report that he’d tried to kill himself by overdosing on prescription painkillers he had been taking for a broken finger.

Charlie Parker – the jazz legend known as “The Bird” wanted to end his life in 1954, but failed in two attempts. He was then admitted to the Bellevue clinic, where he received much-needed therapy.

Barbara Payton – in a love triangle with Franchot Tone and Tom Neal, she ingested several sleeping pills in an attempt on her own life, but was discovered by Tone. (See Jean Wallace entry below.)

Dennis Price – consumed by alcohol, the tall British actor left the gas on in his oven at his London apartment in 1954. A servant found him and summoned help.

Richard Pryor – later admitted that the fire that injured him while free-basing cocaine in June 1980 was really a suicide attempt.

Martha Raye – after breaking up with husband David Rose, she went into a depression and took an overdose of sleeping pills in 1956, but recovered.

Nina Simone – the singer attempted suicide due to depression and a sense of helplessness after being attacked in London during the mid-1970s.

Britney Spears – earlier this year, tabloid headlines claimed that the pop diva had experienced a breakdown and tried to kill herself twice, first by walking into traffic, then by ODing on Xanax.

Tina Turner – in her biography I, Tina, she revealed a failed suicide attempt in 1968.

Mike Tyson – in September 1988, the then-undisputed heavyweight champion crashed his car into a tree in what the New York Daily News described as a suicide attempt.

Vanilla Ice – in 1994, less than five years from the peak of his success, the depressed rapper twice tried to kill himself.

Jean Wallace – the actress hoped to end her life with sleeping pills in 1946 while married to Franchot Tone, then by stabbing herself in 1949 after their divorce.

Tuesday Weld – began drinking at a young age and attempted suicide at the tender age of 12 by ingesting aspirin, sleeping pills, and a bottle of gin. “I had fallen in love with a homosexual and, when it didn’t work out, I felt hurt.”

Hank Williams, Jr. – the combination of drugs and alcohol abuse led to a suicide attempt in early 1974.

Brian Wilson – some sources claim the Beach Boys genius tried to kill himself in the mid-1980s, a low point from which he has since rebounded.

82

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One-size-does-not-fit-all

I was just reading an article in today's Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel business section about health club membership prices and the competition between gyms here locally for new and existing members. In the Milwaukee area, it reported that approximately 22.4% of residents belonged to a gym in 2010.  Then it goes on to talk about  how a new gym that has opened recently is only charging $10 to join and how that affects the other gyms.

I got stuck on the "22.4%" and did a little more math and came up with 77.6% of residents in Milwaukee did NOT have a gym membership in 2010!! I wonder if the people that do these statistics ever stop to ask people WHY they don't belong to a gym?! Hmm??

Well, I'm here to answer the question for you. First of all, since I moved here to Wisconsin, I'm shocked the number is so low. Why? Because the weather sucks here for like 9 months out of the year. (Ok, make it 10. Even in summer, it's usually raining). Exercising outdoors here is really not an option most of the year, so I'm shocked the number isn't the other way around. Kind of answers the question about why many Wisconsinites are overweight....) I'm a runner, or at least I used to be when I lived in California. I ran year-round. I mean, when the coldest it's going to get is in the 40's, running outdoors is a pleasurable thing to do. I love it. I love the early morning smells in the spring and summer, and the crisp fresh air in the winter. In fall, I love crunching the fallen leaves as I run. I think in the whole year I've lived here in Wisconsin, I've run less than 8 times outdoors. It's just not pleasurable.

So--how does a person find a gym to join when their are so many to choose from? Well, it's really an individual choice. Just like buying underwear. One size does not fit all. What are your fitness goals? Are you the kind of person that likes to exercise alone or in a group setting, or with just one other person? Do you even know? What is your fitness level right now? What's your work/school/child care schedule like? 

Those of you that know me know that I've become a gym rat- I live there. I work at a gym, I work out at least 5 days a week. I gave up running for the most part, only because I really hate treadmills. I feel like a mouse on a wheel. I became a certified Spin instructor a year ago only to realize Spinning here is really "cycling" and it's for road bikers. Bleh. I know--I should give it another try and maybe I will. But I got bitten by the tennis bug and it's not only great cardio but I made friends too and joined a league and now compete.  It's so much fun and terribly addicting. I have become a tennis whore and will play anyone who'll play me. On alternating days, I lift weights. My triceps are my best asset now. (Who'd have thunk?)

Why is it only 22.4% of people here going to the gym? What are they doing to stay in shape? Well, many of them aren't, and many people have exercise equipment in their homes. And like many people, when the weather gets too bad, I've got my Pilates DVD I do in my bedroom. And don't forget, crunches can be done anywhere. 

Is it the cost of gyms that keep people away? Or could it be something else? I have almost always belonged to a gym. What I look for in a gym seems to change from time to time, but I adapt. I don't switch gyms often, although I have done so. Is there an "ultimate" gym? And if there was, how much would you be willing to pay to join it?

Ian, my son, and I and one of his friends have this conversation on a regular basis, as we are planning on opening our own gym in the future. Here are some of the things we've come up with that being gym rats ourselves, we find important in a good gym:

1. CLEAN--the gym has got to be clean. It needs to not only LOOK clean, but BE clean. When you're running on a treadmill, with nothing to look at besides either a wall or a TV screen, you tend to notice the build-up of sticky lint along the edges. Yuk.

2. ATTRACTIVE WORKERS/OTHER MEMBERS--do not laugh at this! You know you notice. Maybe it's not important to you but subliminally, you notice. Whether or not you're single or not, the attractiveness of the people around you either inspire you or they don't.

3. NEW AND LATEST IN EQUIPMENT--my son and his friend have become experts on weightlifting equipment. A little Internet research on what's latest and greatest and safest and if a gym has outdated equipment, who'd want to go there?

4. FREE STUFF--this you really won't find everywhere, but we think it's important.  My gym has complimentary soaps, deodorant spray and hairspray! Another gym I used to belong to had the right idea--every time you checked in, it counted your attendances and when you got to a certain number, you'd get a free 1/2 hour massage, or sports drink, or membership to a special class. Great idea. Kind of like punching a smoothie card--buy 10 and get one free. Cool!!! 

5. PERSONAL TRAINERS THAT KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT--this is a big one. If you're a newbie and don't know any better, you tend to take what they say as gospel. I've seen and heard many give bad advice, dangerous even. The trainers at the gym I go to are certified and they DO know what they're talking about, but it's not like that everywhere. 

6. FUN CLASSES--this is my area of 'expertise". Are the classes not only conveniently timed, but are they FUN?? I know many that are NOT fun. They are boring and hard and you have to force yourself to go. Why do they keep these instructors??? It baffles me. For the most part, the instructors at my gym love what they do and it shows in their enthusiasm.  But personally, counting off seconds or minutes or pretending we are climbing hills when we have never biked outside in our lives (except with our children) is NOT fun. Sweating in public, especially in a group, should be fun. And no over-crowding. If a class is so popular you can't move without getting swatted in the eye, they need to have more classes.

7. NICE LOCKER ROOMS--One gym I used to belong to had these pretty little individual vanity desks that resembled backstage dressing rooms like celebrities use.  All the lockers actually worked. And another one had this hideous greenish-blue stained carpet that was about 100 years old and disgusting. If you are afraid to be barefoot--let alone naked--in a locker room, it doesn't matter how nice the employees are. Yuk. 

8. THE LITTLE THINGS--It's the little things that add up to make it or break it as a successful gym. Do they sell healthy snacks and sports drinks? Are they reasonably priced? Do they offer free training when you join? Do they have nutritional counseling? Do you like the way the towels smell? Does the staff seem happy and do they treat you well? Are they nearby? Do you like their hours of operation? Do you feel welcomed? Do you like the house music? Are people friendly? What are the other members like? Do you feel safe in the parking lot? Do you enjoy the classes? I'm sure there are more "little things" that I missed, but if you don't belong to a gym right now, I'm sure you can elaborate for me.

The bottom line is, gyms are big business, and they need you. Without you, they can't survive. Like most businesses, they want to please you. With so many gyms available, what is it that makes YOU want to join, keep going, or quit? Because staying healthy is really every single person's goal, or it should be. You don't have to want to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger to work out at a gym, nor desire the biceps of Demi Moore. Most gyms offer a free one-week trial membership to get you to join--so think about what's important to YOU before you plunk down your credit card.

And remember--exercise should be fun, and consistency is the key to accomplishing your fitness goals.

You can do it!

I know you can.

Now get out there and sweat!!!