To cover or not to cover? That is the question

I'll bet you didn't know that just by living here in Wisconsin, my tushie has obviously passed the clean booty test.  Hahaha! Take THAT you Californians!!!!!

Moving to a new city, a new state, somewhere where you've never even visited is always laced with challenges. Along with the usual learning how to get around--where we live there are many back roads with weird names like "BB" and "KE" that aren't really names at all. It can get very confusing and it's easy to get lost. Many addresses like mine aren't even found on your GPS so don't give me that, "just use your GPS" b/s.  Every American city has its cultural mores and even though we all speak the same language, well, different accents are hard to get used to just like certain traditions they may have. Here in Wisconsin, the big things here are Friday night fish fry (bleh! double bleh! explains the obesity factor), deer hunting (you know how I feel about that already) and the Packers. But one of the hardest things I've had getting used to living here is the lack of toilet paper covers in public restrooms.

I am really bothered by this! What is it about Wisconsin tushies anyway? Are they cleaner than California butts? Now I've lived here a little more than a year now, and I can't find a restaurant or store whose bathrooms offer toilet seat covers. I'm appalled by this, and frankly tired of making my own little covers with those flimsy single-ply strips of cheap toilet paper that stick to your bottom when you stand up.  I'm appalled every time a woman goes in and out of a stall without doing likewise. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE PEOPLE?!

Now I haven't done any research on the subject of toilet seats and germs, and frankly I don't see the need to. It's obvious. Have you ever gone into a stall and seen blood or urine on the seat? I know, that's disgusting. It's not as uncommon as one might think. (Major wake-up call to you lucky men out there who get to stand!) So what does a person do in this situation? Usually clean it up yourself with toilet paper if you're in one of those situations where you stood in line for that stall with a full bladder during halftime at a Packer game. If you're lucky and the bathroom's not busy, you just groan with disgust and go into another stall. Thank GOD someone else gets paid to clean up these things.

What about the stuff on that toilet seat you CAN'T see? And don't tell me stuff isn't there. This is NOT rockets science here folks. I don't need a microscope and a laboratory to tell me the person who sat here before me is a complete stranger and God only knows where their rear end has been. A public restroom isn't my home! I am completely aware of where my children's and husband's butts have been so I don't mind sharing toilet seats with them. And I'm pretty aware of how often they get cleaned at home (No, I don't have a worker who comes in every hour and marks a little checkmark on the back of the door--but it's good enough for me). We also keep a canister of those handy disinfecting wipes so if something, um, spills, that person can clean it up nice and discreetly.

Now I haven't travelled much, and the only other place I've ever been that is also a highly industrialized nation that doesn't use toilet seat covers is New Zealand. It freaked me out there too. That was the first time I had to face the fact that the seat covers weren't offered anywhere at all except the airport. Same with Milwaukee's airport. I guess the people in charge at the airports somehow mutually agreed that all those traveler's hindquarters couldn't be trusted to be as clean as they needed to be. If people actually passed the aiport bathroom safety test and went on to visit outside establishments such as restaurants and stores, toilet seat covers weren't going to be necessary. Hmmm! Interesting. Their tushies are considered unsanitary at the airport, but once outside the airport, they are acceptably clean enough. I wonder if this discrepancy ever crossed anoyone's minds?

Well, it's crossed mine, and I'm very disturbed by this. I'm not even a germaphobe--I consider myself to be your every day run-of-the-mill conscientious person but this situation has gotten out of control. It's totally contradictory in that bathrooms have really started to play into the whole germaphobe mindset with all the faucets and towel racks that turn on automatically without touching anything. I know hands are just about the grossest thing out there in the world, we are always touching our noses and faces and doorknobs and all that. Yes, I get that. But what about our derierres? You mean to tell me they're cleaner than our hands?? EW!! Maybe cleaner, but CLEAN?!

And don't even get me going about all those horror stories about countries who don't even provide toilet paper. I'm ahead of you on that one. I will either never visit them or if I do, go armed and ready with a complete supply of everything I'll need when I'm in those compromising situations.

I've actually asked workers in various places why they don't supply toilet seat covers. I get the same dumb blank stare every time. "Uh, I don't know" is the usual answer. If I'm feeling Andy-Rooney-like, and I often do feel Andy-Rooney-like, I'll poke further and say something like, "Did it ever occur to you that toilet seat covers are provided in other states?" (I'm careful not to admit I'm from California because, well, Wisconsinites don't think very highly of us California folk and I'm not willing to provide fuel for their fire).  I'll get another blank stare and a response like, "uh, no, I didn't know that." And if I'm feeling VERY Andy-Rooney-like, I'll poke further and say something like, "Have you ever thought about how ironic it is that their are seat covers in the airport bathrooms but not everywhere else?" It's just this fun thing I do. My life is very exciting.

I think the bidet people get it. We are soul mates. Whoever dreamed up the bidet is my hero. Why aren't THEY standard in public restrooms? Ah, of course, they're expensive. I heard that argument. I actually got my first blast of cold water on my girl parts at an Asian restaurant in Fresno. (My Reedley/Fresno fans reading this are nodding their heads--you know which one I'm talking about!) and it was a fun experience. On my birthday one year, a group of my girlfriends and I went there for dinner and got a little tipsy and took turns going into the one stall that had the bidet just for the fun of it. We howled every time it got real quiet, then we heard the whooshing sound and the giggling "OOOO!" that followed. How fun! We got our business done and bathed at the same time! No germs, no cut-out paper that usually falls into the toilet on the first try and no little strips of paper stuck to our legs!! Yay!!!

I know I'm not alone here. I'm curious to hear your views people. And remember, I took an airplane here when I moved from California, I didn't drive and stop in 10 states along the way. Sometimes I wish I had; I'd know whose got the clean tushies around American and who doesn't.

California, I'm embarrassed now. What can I say? I try to defend you as self-righteously as I can. But I guess our bottoms just don't measure up to Wisconsin's. I feel defeated.

But like you won't be hearing me say, "you betcha" or shooting deer anytime soon, I will not abandon my self-made toilet seat covers. If it makes me different, I'm ok with that.

In my next life, I want to come back as a man.

But Wisconsinites, I just gotta ask ya---where's YOUR butt been today??

Our internal GPS

My best girlfriend is mad at God right now. In her opinion, He has made her life a living hell. She did not ask for these things to happen to her. 

Now I must tell you, that she is a very devoted Christian woman. When her doctor told her she had breast cancer, she never asked, "why me?" Instead she remarked, "why NOT me?" She knew that God had a plan for her, and she never questioned her faith.  But that was three years ago, and a lot has happened to her since. 

On the day of her first chemo treatment, her husband said, "I'm outta here!" and moved out. Their 14-year-old identical twin daughters packed up and decided to go live with him and his new girlfriend (read: "no rules at dad's house!!!"). She had a double-mastectomy and lost all her hair, eyebrows, fingernails, yet wore her head scarves with dignity. Her ex-husband refused to sign paperwork that would keep her in the family home and he let it foreclose. Hoping her daughters would move back in with her, she rented the very house next door and got a roommate to help with expenses. After two years of waiting, the daughters remain with their father.  She still can't afford a bed and sleeps on a cheap futon in the living room. She has sold almost everything she owns. She had reconstructive surgery and the doctor bills are adding up.

Like most families, they had pets--a dog and two cats. Now with no income, she has struggled to take care of them. One of the cats and the dog both died during this time. When they got ill, she couldn't afford to take them to the vet. 

She could no longer afford to stay in the house she was renting, and with nowhere to go, moved in with her mother in the senior citizen.condo complex she lived in. Her mother became ill and died of a heart attack in January. My friend's sister is the rightful owner now and wants it sold ASAP. My friend can't stay there anyway since she's too young. So---when the house sells, yes, my friend will have a little money and in my opinion will save her ass. But we all know how long it takes to sell anything in this economy, so she needs options right now. Her choices are basically live on a friend or family member's couch till she gets the money or a decent job. We all know how poor these choices are. It's our deepest fear--not being able to take care of ourselves. She did everything right for 30 years. Yes, they were married for 30 years. And this is the reward?? 

Since he rarely pays her the alimony he owes her, my friend works odd jobs to keep herself afloat. She had been a stay-at-home mom for the last 14 years and has no training or skills other than her ability to talk to anyone, anywhere, and show up on time neat and ready to work hard. She has been told she doesn't qualify for government assistance because she has a car that runs. In other words, she's not completely pathetic enough.

So, here she is now, she just turned 50, and she looks like before she had her cancer.  She is cancer-free now for three years thankfully. Her hair is gorgeous, below her shoulders now. This is the good news. She looks good, she feels good physically, but the bad things that keep happening to her are taking their toll.

So, here's where I'm headed with this. She's at a crossroads right now, and trying to decide where she should live. With her sister in another county an hour away? Move in with a friend till she gets on her feet? Should she move here to Wisconsin with me? Her biggest dilemma is--should she stay near her daughters for their last year of high school, even though as hard as she tries, they continue to cancel plans to visit her time and time again?

My friend and I were talking yesterday about how she is hoping God will help guide her in her decision-making. Now, I'm not talking for my friend, but about religious people in general--I don't understand the whole "asking God what He wants me to do" line of thinking. How does God tell you what you should do? What is that?? I'm not one who subscribes to this. 

I told her we are very different in this way of handling life's crises. I don't blame God when things go wrong in my life, and I don't thank him when they do. I remember giving her the book, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Rabbi Harold Kushner when she got her cancer, and she said it helped a lot. For those of you who aren't familiar with the book, I highly recommend it. The Rabbi had a terminally ill son and was grappling with the pain of losing him and losing his faith at the same time.

I believe that bad things just randomly happen, just like good things. I don't think God caused AIDS and I don't think he causes wars either.  God didn't give my friend cancer to teach her anything and he didn't kill her pets either.  I also don't think God cured her; her doctors did. I think what's miraculous is how humans have the ability to reason and make sense of the events in our lives, and we choose whether we find the silver lining or not.

When my brother committed suicide 13 years ago, I never once blamed God. I knew my brother must've been depressed, that he hid it from all of us, and that he thought that was his only choice.  I have never once for a second thought God took him from us as part of this whole huge plan that would make me a better mom for my kids, or a better sister to my remaining brothers, or any other such nonsense. No, these things happened because I chose to not have my brother's death be in vain. I am determined to learn from the horror of what he did and try to make sure I never ever let anyone I love be in such silent, secret pain again.

I don't get how God figures in our decision-making. I really don't. I think we have to trust that we know ourselves well enough to know what we need, and if we truly don't know what to do when we have tough decisions to make, I believe in seeking out information from people who can help us. Not from some mystical deity up in the clouds. But hey, that's just me.

I clipped out an article from this month's Oprah magazine and sent it to my friend. I agree with Oprah's take on making the tough decisions--here's an excerpt from the article: 

"For all the major moves in my life—to Baltimore, to Chicago, to own my show, and to end it—I've trusted my instincts. I take in all the information I can gather. I listen to proposals, ideas, and advice. Then I go with my gut, what my heart feels most strongly. 

And I often tell friends: When you don't know what to do, do nothing. Get quiet so you can hear the still, small voice—your inner GPS guiding you to true North. "

I know Oprah to be a religious person, but she doesn't say, "I ask God what HE wants me to do." She knows in her own heart what's right for her.

I wish for my friend the peace of mind of trusting her own heart, her own gut, her own instincts. Because they will guide her. I love her with all my heart and want her to be happy. I can't tell her what to do, no one can tell someone else what they should or should not do when the stakes are so high. Not even God.

I'm here for my friend, to give her all the love and support whatever decision she makes. 

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Oprah-on-Trusting-Her-Intuition-Oprahs-Advice-on-Trusting-Your-Gut#ixzz1SfNzCLrP