To cover or not to cover? That is the question

I'll bet you didn't know that just by living here in Wisconsin, my tushie has obviously passed the clean booty test.  Hahaha! Take THAT you Californians!!!!!

Moving to a new city, a new state, somewhere where you've never even visited is always laced with challenges. Along with the usual learning how to get around--where we live there are many back roads with weird names like "BB" and "KE" that aren't really names at all. It can get very confusing and it's easy to get lost. Many addresses like mine aren't even found on your GPS so don't give me that, "just use your GPS" b/s.  Every American city has its cultural mores and even though we all speak the same language, well, different accents are hard to get used to just like certain traditions they may have. Here in Wisconsin, the big things here are Friday night fish fry (bleh! double bleh! explains the obesity factor), deer hunting (you know how I feel about that already) and the Packers. But one of the hardest things I've had getting used to living here is the lack of toilet paper covers in public restrooms.

I am really bothered by this! What is it about Wisconsin tushies anyway? Are they cleaner than California butts? Now I've lived here a little more than a year now, and I can't find a restaurant or store whose bathrooms offer toilet seat covers. I'm appalled by this, and frankly tired of making my own little covers with those flimsy single-ply strips of cheap toilet paper that stick to your bottom when you stand up.  I'm appalled every time a woman goes in and out of a stall without doing likewise. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE PEOPLE?!

Now I haven't done any research on the subject of toilet seats and germs, and frankly I don't see the need to. It's obvious. Have you ever gone into a stall and seen blood or urine on the seat? I know, that's disgusting. It's not as uncommon as one might think. (Major wake-up call to you lucky men out there who get to stand!) So what does a person do in this situation? Usually clean it up yourself with toilet paper if you're in one of those situations where you stood in line for that stall with a full bladder during halftime at a Packer game. If you're lucky and the bathroom's not busy, you just groan with disgust and go into another stall. Thank GOD someone else gets paid to clean up these things.

What about the stuff on that toilet seat you CAN'T see? And don't tell me stuff isn't there. This is NOT rockets science here folks. I don't need a microscope and a laboratory to tell me the person who sat here before me is a complete stranger and God only knows where their rear end has been. A public restroom isn't my home! I am completely aware of where my children's and husband's butts have been so I don't mind sharing toilet seats with them. And I'm pretty aware of how often they get cleaned at home (No, I don't have a worker who comes in every hour and marks a little checkmark on the back of the door--but it's good enough for me). We also keep a canister of those handy disinfecting wipes so if something, um, spills, that person can clean it up nice and discreetly.

Now I haven't travelled much, and the only other place I've ever been that is also a highly industrialized nation that doesn't use toilet seat covers is New Zealand. It freaked me out there too. That was the first time I had to face the fact that the seat covers weren't offered anywhere at all except the airport. Same with Milwaukee's airport. I guess the people in charge at the airports somehow mutually agreed that all those traveler's hindquarters couldn't be trusted to be as clean as they needed to be. If people actually passed the aiport bathroom safety test and went on to visit outside establishments such as restaurants and stores, toilet seat covers weren't going to be necessary. Hmmm! Interesting. Their tushies are considered unsanitary at the airport, but once outside the airport, they are acceptably clean enough. I wonder if this discrepancy ever crossed anoyone's minds?

Well, it's crossed mine, and I'm very disturbed by this. I'm not even a germaphobe--I consider myself to be your every day run-of-the-mill conscientious person but this situation has gotten out of control. It's totally contradictory in that bathrooms have really started to play into the whole germaphobe mindset with all the faucets and towel racks that turn on automatically without touching anything. I know hands are just about the grossest thing out there in the world, we are always touching our noses and faces and doorknobs and all that. Yes, I get that. But what about our derierres? You mean to tell me they're cleaner than our hands?? EW!! Maybe cleaner, but CLEAN?!

And don't even get me going about all those horror stories about countries who don't even provide toilet paper. I'm ahead of you on that one. I will either never visit them or if I do, go armed and ready with a complete supply of everything I'll need when I'm in those compromising situations.

I've actually asked workers in various places why they don't supply toilet seat covers. I get the same dumb blank stare every time. "Uh, I don't know" is the usual answer. If I'm feeling Andy-Rooney-like, and I often do feel Andy-Rooney-like, I'll poke further and say something like, "Did it ever occur to you that toilet seat covers are provided in other states?" (I'm careful not to admit I'm from California because, well, Wisconsinites don't think very highly of us California folk and I'm not willing to provide fuel for their fire).  I'll get another blank stare and a response like, "uh, no, I didn't know that." And if I'm feeling VERY Andy-Rooney-like, I'll poke further and say something like, "Have you ever thought about how ironic it is that their are seat covers in the airport bathrooms but not everywhere else?" It's just this fun thing I do. My life is very exciting.

I think the bidet people get it. We are soul mates. Whoever dreamed up the bidet is my hero. Why aren't THEY standard in public restrooms? Ah, of course, they're expensive. I heard that argument. I actually got my first blast of cold water on my girl parts at an Asian restaurant in Fresno. (My Reedley/Fresno fans reading this are nodding their heads--you know which one I'm talking about!) and it was a fun experience. On my birthday one year, a group of my girlfriends and I went there for dinner and got a little tipsy and took turns going into the one stall that had the bidet just for the fun of it. We howled every time it got real quiet, then we heard the whooshing sound and the giggling "OOOO!" that followed. How fun! We got our business done and bathed at the same time! No germs, no cut-out paper that usually falls into the toilet on the first try and no little strips of paper stuck to our legs!! Yay!!!

I know I'm not alone here. I'm curious to hear your views people. And remember, I took an airplane here when I moved from California, I didn't drive and stop in 10 states along the way. Sometimes I wish I had; I'd know whose got the clean tushies around American and who doesn't.

California, I'm embarrassed now. What can I say? I try to defend you as self-righteously as I can. But I guess our bottoms just don't measure up to Wisconsin's. I feel defeated.

But like you won't be hearing me say, "you betcha" or shooting deer anytime soon, I will not abandon my self-made toilet seat covers. If it makes me different, I'm ok with that.

In my next life, I want to come back as a man.

But Wisconsinites, I just gotta ask ya---where's YOUR butt been today??

Why I'm agnostic--Wisconsin style

According to our local newspaper today (the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel), "there are two religions in Wisconsin--Green Bay Packers, and deer hunting." Guess that makes me agnostic.

The front page story had a picture of a hunter crouching next to the nine-point buck he'd just killed. A beautiful, large antlered male deer. It sickened me. What a thing to look at over my morning coffee. I was nauseated.

Being a California girl, born and bred for oh, 30+ some years, I had never seen a real live deer. Once, on a family reunion trip to San Antonio, Texas, we not only saw some deer but fed them. It was amazing. Up close, they are as beautiful as they looked in pictures. Sweet, dark brown eyes, long eyelashes, darling little white fluffy tails, and they are one of the most gentlest creatures on the planet. They attack nothing and fear everything.

So, when we moved here to Wisconsin and heard the stories of all the deer that lived in our area, I was very excited. I couldn't wait to see a real live deer! And lo and behold, we have had some in our backyard. One more than one occasion, we've had deer in our backyard. Deer sightings here are always preceded with insane barking by our dog, who thinks they're other dogs that have come into our yard.  (Of course we don't let him out!) The first time was the most magical--a doe (mommy deer) and her baby (fawn). The white spots on the baby were so cute. It got excited by something and started to leap into the air, bucking like a horse for no apparent reason. Other times, the deer just slowly walk through our yard, grazing on the grass and bushes, disappearing into the brush into a neighbor's yard. It's like a UFO sighting--I run and get my iPhone and take a bunch of pictures because they're usually gone in less than 30 seconds. I gasp and send the pics to my family back in California. I post them to my Facebook.

Little did I realize how much people here hate deer. Live here long enough, and you're bound to have a horror story to tell about how you either hit a deer driving or it hit you. And nearly killed you. Bambi lovers such as myself are a joke.

I'm not going to give statistics here, because I really don't give a shit what the numbers are. You can tell me all about how the deer overpopulate here and how killing them is good for them and all. One thing the good ol' Milwaukee Journal educated me on in their article today is how much money gun manufacturers and bow and arrow people make this time every year. Not to mention money made on hunting licenses, and all those really dorky camouflage outfits. It's big business.

What I really don't get is how this is first of all a sport, and second, a "family tradition", as discussed in the article. This is something families do together??? A "bonding" experience?? Killing beautiful defenseless animals?? This horrifies me.

Our family plays tennis together. Or we rent a movie from Redbox and make popcorn, or play board games. No one has to die in order for us to bond together. I really can't imagine going out and spending precious money on rifles and bullets and driving out to where we could hunt down a precious deer and shoot and kill it. And then what? Celebrate? Carry it home with us? Eat it for God's sake? Put its head up as an ornament over the pool table? How did killing become a "sport"?? Tennis is a sport. No one dies. Killing animals is not a sport. It's not a competition. The deer don't have a chance.

I was horrified when I heard a co-worker tell me he "just missed" killing a nine-point buck. I don't even know what "nine-point" means, and don't bother explaining it to me. I'm assuming it describes some sort of system where 9 is higher that 2, duh, it's probably a more rare type of deer and if you shoot one, you're more of a hero. Whoop-de-do.

I have never seen a buck. If one walked through my backyard, I sure wouldn't have the urge to grab a gun and kill it!!! I'd be marveling at its awesome antlers, and how if there was a daddy, hopefully there'd be more babies soon. I just don't have the desire to end its life.

People that I have otherwise liked have turned out to be deer hunters, and I just can't reconcile it. I wonder what kind of a person finds joy in this. I'm not being facetious. I am serious. It has made me honestly re-think some of my friendships. I just can't fathom the thought of these otherwise really nice and enjoyable people holding rifles in their hands and stalking and murdering beautiful deer.

I have often said that if I had to hunt down and kill my own meat, I'd be a vegetarian. There's no way I could look an animal in the eyes and shoot it. Unless I was literally starving, like on a desert island or something. It comes homogenized and wrapped in plastic in the store, and yes, that makes me a hypocrite but at least I'm willing to admit it. I have never killed anything for food, and if you have, that still doesn't make it something to brag about. How can killing something, whether it be a deer or quail or ducks be something to get excited about?? And the state I now reside in considers deer hunting to be a "religion"?? Wish I could just click my heels and go back to California.

Oh, and that other religion, the Packers? I do know some die-hard Packer fans. You have no idea. At this writing, they're 10-0 and they did win  the Super Bowl last year. AND it's REALLY a sport!!!

At least no one's being shot with a rifle.

Sex, Deer, and Other Crazy Things About Wisconsin

Part of the fun of moving 1500 miles to a new place is making fun of just how different the new place is. We have been here in Wisconsin now 2-1/2 months, and although I think the hardest part is behind us (being new, finding our way around, getting lost every single day) each new day seems to smack me in the face somehow and remind me, Lauren, you're not in California anymore.

I was driving Ian to school at the usual 7:15 am time this past Monday, the day after Halloween, and we saw a subdivision that was already decorated for Christmas! Ian and I gasped and guffawed at the sight. "Wreaths and garlands up the day after Halloween? OMG" we clicked our tongues the rest of the drive at the ridiculousness of it all.  I mean, we still have 2 skeletons hanging that we haven't taken down yet (ladder needed) and someone's already putting up wreaths and garlands?! What an atrocity! What happened to waiting till after Thanksgiving???

And it doesn't matter how long we live here, we will NEVER stop laughing at the way they talk here, especially at the grocery store. In California, you hear, "paper or plastic?" and here they say "paper or plastic bag?" but the bag has 2 syllables, more like "bee--agg". You have no idea how many times Tim has asked, "do I want a what??" and he truly has no idea what they're saying! It's the one accent I really can't imitate. It's just, well, odd.

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The next time you're driving on one of California's crazy freeways, say a small prayer for us Kuckelman's here in Wisconsin, because it's a miracle we're not dead yet.  I have come to realize that California drivers are indeed some of the BEST drivers in the world. Stop laughing!!! You obviously haven't driven in Wisconsin before if you're laughing.  I don't know what it is about them, but they don't get the whole, MOVE OVER INTO THE EMPTY LANE PLEASE SO I CAN MERGE ONTO THIS FREEWAY YOU IDIOT!!! This is what they'll actually do--they will drive in the outside lane where you need to go to merge onto the freeway and they will just stay where they are, completely blocking you out. They don't go a little faster to let you in, nor will they slow down to let you in, or move over to the EMPTY lane next to them to let you in! It's insane. You have no idea how many times Tim and I have almost gotten completely squeezed out and rolled down embankments. It's not funny.

The other completely irritating thing we've experienced is the constant highway construction that goes on during summer and fall months. Basically, 24/7 if the weather's permitting. They've been repaving the same 4 mile stretch of highway since we moved here, and today, the onramps were STILL closed so I had to take a detour to get Ian to school! (will they EVER be finished?????) I am so sick of seeing orange barrels!!! I actually accidentally hit one last week, guess how???? (pause for your answer.....)
YES!!!! TRYING TO MERGE ONTO THE FREEWAY!!!! Some jerk wouldn't let me in so I accidentally smacked one of those stupid orange barrels with my right rearview mirror. It snapped shut close to the car and I was so freaked out. I was happy that it hadn't done any damage after all--it just snapped back into place. WHEW!

I also don't think they like people from California.  Tim didn't believe me when I told him how it seemed I kept getting tailgated. I had several rednecks in stupid Ford trucks with their stupid John Deere hats on try to run me over, honk their horns at me, and then swerve around me and flip me the bird. For doing what I ask you?? I have no idea! I mean, come on, you guys know me, you know how I drive. I usually go faster than everyone around me, I'm always late wherever it is I'm going. So for someone to tailgate me and get THAT irate at me really is beyond my understanding. I have concluded that it's because I have California license plates. I have been threatened, stared at, and seen the eyes roll and the fingers pointed from inside car doors going 65 mph. I have proof I'm right---we just bought a new car that has Wisconsin license plates, and guess what?? No one's tried to run me off the road. No roled eyes. We've become one of them. Hmmph.


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Now, lastly, I have to say up front that I love deer. I don't get how hunting is such a big effing to-do out here. How Neanderthal! The first time we saw deer crossing the road in front of us, I was driving Ian to a friend's house, and a family of deer was crossing the road literally right in front of us. They absolutely came out of nowhere. Fortunately, I was in a 25 zone so I was going slow and had no trouble stopping quickly so I wouldn't hit them. Ian and I gazed at their beauty, and marveled at "how cool is it to see deer?"  They floated across so quickly if you'd have blinked you'd have missed them. We then went along our merry way just mesmerized.

THEN----- we took a family trip to Kansas this weekend, yes, 10-ish long hours in the car (one way)and dozen of deer carcasses later, I'm scared of seeing any more Bambis.  The first time I saw a dead deer off the side of the road, we all sighed and said collectively, "Awwww, poor thing", and the car got quiet as we all felt anger at how we city people have driven them from their native burroughs to the point that they cross dangerous roads in search of food. Evil evil humans!! How dare we???

Then Tim told me how it's not food that drives them to cross highways streaming with cars--it's SEX!! Seems the male deer are always chasing the female deer, and like most horny men, will risk life and limb (or should I say, all four limbs) to get a little action. So, what ends up happening is the male deer will be chasing the female, and she's scampers across the highway safely. I don't know why this is, it's just what Tim was told by someone who's an expert on this sort of topic. So the male (buck) is running after her, tongue wagging, saliva dripping everywhere, and he's not really paying attention to the cars whizzing by. He's looking at her cute little white tail, and BOOM he's dead. Doesn't even see it coming. Meanwhile, she's safely trotted off to the other side of the freeway, having a little nibble of grass on the other side, wondering,  "why did Romeo stop chasing me? Oh well, must've been that pretty doe over there by the Kuckeman house-- he's been staying out late every night this week and I'll bet cha he's doing her". She doesn't give him another thought because her tail is so white and cute it's not long till another cute buck comes along and starts chasing after her. And so on it goes.

So the moral of this story is, if you see a deer daintily cross the road, please don't accelerate and think the coast is clear. A very aroused buck will soon appear in front of your headlights and you won't see his eyes because he's looking at the previous deer's tushie. There might even be two or three if she's really a hottie. Give the poor guys a break.  They can't help themselves. It's just nature. And isn't nature beautiful?? Awwww........