To cover or not to cover? That is the question

I'll bet you didn't know that just by living here in Wisconsin, my tushie has obviously passed the clean booty test.  Hahaha! Take THAT you Californians!!!!!

Moving to a new city, a new state, somewhere where you've never even visited is always laced with challenges. Along with the usual learning how to get around--where we live there are many back roads with weird names like "BB" and "KE" that aren't really names at all. It can get very confusing and it's easy to get lost. Many addresses like mine aren't even found on your GPS so don't give me that, "just use your GPS" b/s.  Every American city has its cultural mores and even though we all speak the same language, well, different accents are hard to get used to just like certain traditions they may have. Here in Wisconsin, the big things here are Friday night fish fry (bleh! double bleh! explains the obesity factor), deer hunting (you know how I feel about that already) and the Packers. But one of the hardest things I've had getting used to living here is the lack of toilet paper covers in public restrooms.

I am really bothered by this! What is it about Wisconsin tushies anyway? Are they cleaner than California butts? Now I've lived here a little more than a year now, and I can't find a restaurant or store whose bathrooms offer toilet seat covers. I'm appalled by this, and frankly tired of making my own little covers with those flimsy single-ply strips of cheap toilet paper that stick to your bottom when you stand up.  I'm appalled every time a woman goes in and out of a stall without doing likewise. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE PEOPLE?!

Now I haven't done any research on the subject of toilet seats and germs, and frankly I don't see the need to. It's obvious. Have you ever gone into a stall and seen blood or urine on the seat? I know, that's disgusting. It's not as uncommon as one might think. (Major wake-up call to you lucky men out there who get to stand!) So what does a person do in this situation? Usually clean it up yourself with toilet paper if you're in one of those situations where you stood in line for that stall with a full bladder during halftime at a Packer game. If you're lucky and the bathroom's not busy, you just groan with disgust and go into another stall. Thank GOD someone else gets paid to clean up these things.

What about the stuff on that toilet seat you CAN'T see? And don't tell me stuff isn't there. This is NOT rockets science here folks. I don't need a microscope and a laboratory to tell me the person who sat here before me is a complete stranger and God only knows where their rear end has been. A public restroom isn't my home! I am completely aware of where my children's and husband's butts have been so I don't mind sharing toilet seats with them. And I'm pretty aware of how often they get cleaned at home (No, I don't have a worker who comes in every hour and marks a little checkmark on the back of the door--but it's good enough for me). We also keep a canister of those handy disinfecting wipes so if something, um, spills, that person can clean it up nice and discreetly.

Now I haven't travelled much, and the only other place I've ever been that is also a highly industrialized nation that doesn't use toilet seat covers is New Zealand. It freaked me out there too. That was the first time I had to face the fact that the seat covers weren't offered anywhere at all except the airport. Same with Milwaukee's airport. I guess the people in charge at the airports somehow mutually agreed that all those traveler's hindquarters couldn't be trusted to be as clean as they needed to be. If people actually passed the aiport bathroom safety test and went on to visit outside establishments such as restaurants and stores, toilet seat covers weren't going to be necessary. Hmmm! Interesting. Their tushies are considered unsanitary at the airport, but once outside the airport, they are acceptably clean enough. I wonder if this discrepancy ever crossed anoyone's minds?

Well, it's crossed mine, and I'm very disturbed by this. I'm not even a germaphobe--I consider myself to be your every day run-of-the-mill conscientious person but this situation has gotten out of control. It's totally contradictory in that bathrooms have really started to play into the whole germaphobe mindset with all the faucets and towel racks that turn on automatically without touching anything. I know hands are just about the grossest thing out there in the world, we are always touching our noses and faces and doorknobs and all that. Yes, I get that. But what about our derierres? You mean to tell me they're cleaner than our hands?? EW!! Maybe cleaner, but CLEAN?!

And don't even get me going about all those horror stories about countries who don't even provide toilet paper. I'm ahead of you on that one. I will either never visit them or if I do, go armed and ready with a complete supply of everything I'll need when I'm in those compromising situations.

I've actually asked workers in various places why they don't supply toilet seat covers. I get the same dumb blank stare every time. "Uh, I don't know" is the usual answer. If I'm feeling Andy-Rooney-like, and I often do feel Andy-Rooney-like, I'll poke further and say something like, "Did it ever occur to you that toilet seat covers are provided in other states?" (I'm careful not to admit I'm from California because, well, Wisconsinites don't think very highly of us California folk and I'm not willing to provide fuel for their fire).  I'll get another blank stare and a response like, "uh, no, I didn't know that." And if I'm feeling VERY Andy-Rooney-like, I'll poke further and say something like, "Have you ever thought about how ironic it is that their are seat covers in the airport bathrooms but not everywhere else?" It's just this fun thing I do. My life is very exciting.

I think the bidet people get it. We are soul mates. Whoever dreamed up the bidet is my hero. Why aren't THEY standard in public restrooms? Ah, of course, they're expensive. I heard that argument. I actually got my first blast of cold water on my girl parts at an Asian restaurant in Fresno. (My Reedley/Fresno fans reading this are nodding their heads--you know which one I'm talking about!) and it was a fun experience. On my birthday one year, a group of my girlfriends and I went there for dinner and got a little tipsy and took turns going into the one stall that had the bidet just for the fun of it. We howled every time it got real quiet, then we heard the whooshing sound and the giggling "OOOO!" that followed. How fun! We got our business done and bathed at the same time! No germs, no cut-out paper that usually falls into the toilet on the first try and no little strips of paper stuck to our legs!! Yay!!!

I know I'm not alone here. I'm curious to hear your views people. And remember, I took an airplane here when I moved from California, I didn't drive and stop in 10 states along the way. Sometimes I wish I had; I'd know whose got the clean tushies around American and who doesn't.

California, I'm embarrassed now. What can I say? I try to defend you as self-righteously as I can. But I guess our bottoms just don't measure up to Wisconsin's. I feel defeated.

But like you won't be hearing me say, "you betcha" or shooting deer anytime soon, I will not abandon my self-made toilet seat covers. If it makes me different, I'm ok with that.

In my next life, I want to come back as a man.

But Wisconsinites, I just gotta ask ya---where's YOUR butt been today??

Just Because We're "Friends", Doesn't Mean We're Friends

     Someone from my past found me on Facebook.  It hasn't been pretty.  

     Twenty-three years ago, I was 27 years old. I was putting myself through college, living on my own, working three jobs to support myself. One of these jobs was a waitressing job at a small family-owned 300-bed hotel near Disneyland, in Anaheim, California. It was a tiny, 10-table cafe inside the hotel, where during the busiest shifts had only 3 waitresses working together. I met my wonderful friend Penny at this time. She and I worked together and became very close. We have not only stayed in touch through the years, but she was my maid of honor and I was her matron of honor. Although geography keeps us apart, we stay in touch through Christmas and birthdays, and now, Facebook and Twitter.

     One of our other former co-workers was a woman I'll call "Monica" whom Penny and I had worked with for a few years and we had loads of fun together. I do remember lots of fun times. Dressing up in costume for Halloween, serving lots of tourists and making fun of them, eating lots of ice cream, dealing with "CHEF", this crazy old man who ran the kitchen. That's about it. My recollections of that time are minimal. It was one of my three jobs, and I was a full-time college student, on my own, involved with a jealous and abusive man who I'd nearly forgotten about, thank you.

   I was fighting with my parents, I was trying to find out who I was. I cheated on my boyfriend to release the stranglehold he had on me. The job was a job. I had fun while I was there but it wasn't my life. I graduated college in May 1988, left behind all the drama and moved to LA to start a new life for myself. I was free and happy.

     As with all of us, a lot has obviously changed with me in those 23 years since I last saw that co-worker.

     About three weeks ago, I got a friend request from "Monica", and initially I was amused and happy to have been "found".  I thought to myself, "WOW! She looks good! Has it really been 27 years?! "   What I had remembered about her was that she was divorced, had re-married, became religious, and was older than me. That's about it. I knew she had kids but I think they were already grown when we worked together; I really don't remember.  I haven't seen nor spoken to her since 1988.

      I planned on checking out her profile and reading her wall to get to know her better after all this time, but I hadn't had a chance. In the meantime, I gathered that she was retired, had at least one adorable granddaughter, and maybe more free time than me as she was commenting a lot on things on my page. I thought it was nice and vowed to make time to respond as soon as I was able.

     Everyone has what I call "Facebook Personalities". I have one friend who posts every little thing that happens to her, including finding noodles up her kids' noses. I love her posts. I have another friend who when she's between jobs, practically lives on FB and is on 24/7 and posts constantly not just on my profile but all her friends' profiles too. It's wonderful. I also have friends who rarely post updates or comments at all. They are either too busy or not interested. I don't take it personally.

     And I like to think I'm like most people on FB---most days I check my FB primarily from my iPhone while I'm waiting to pick up my kids from school, or in the bathroom (it's true! It's quiet time for a mom). I rarely just sit there and read people's profiles, comb through their photos, or stalk them. I'm really just too involved in my own life to have much time and energy for everyone else's. I try to post things I think everyone can relate to. I do enjoy everyone's status updates--I quickly scroll through them when I get a chance and that's how I stay in touch with my friends and family who are on FB.

     (Just for the record, I'm not one of those who collects "friends"--I only add people I know and have met personally.)

      Without meaning to,  I somehow offended my long-lost friend by not responding to her comments often enough to suit her. She felt I'd snubbed her, and she de-friended me. She was irritated that she'd posted something to me about a memory she had, and I hadn't mentioned it, but rather had posted a status update about the same time something that had nothing to do with what she'd written. This led her to believe that I had "issues" and needed mental help or something like that. I was not only shocked but infuriated. And sad.

     People, if you're going to suddenly show up 23 years later in someone's life, as if dropped by a helicopter on top of a mountain to ski, think about why you want to connect with this person. Think about what is going on in their life. Maybe you want them back in your life, but why would they want you back in theirs? Do you have anything in common right now, other than you're both on Facebook?


     Maybe her friend request stirred up something in me I didn't want to deal with. I do know that everytime she posted something, I had to stop and process it more than if someone I knew better thad said it. She was always positive, it wasn't anything negative, but it was coming from a virtual stranger. I had to try to put her comments into some sort of context that was unknown to me and therefore I wasn't responding quickly enough to make her feel appreciated. I feel bad about that, but that was unintentional. Maybe I don't want to think about who I was back then, and the jerk I was dating whom you will undoubtedly bring up in conversation. Why?  Because all we have in common now is who we used to be. 

This woman and I had a marvelous working relationship 23 years ago, and we should've left it at that.

HolliandMichael SwingShoI don't know about you, but I don't have enough time for everything and everyone in my life. I've got 2 kids. 7 pets. A husband, a house, a job, a life. I just moved 1500 miles and left behind everything familiar to start over. I've got 30 boxes of stuff that still needs to be unpacked. Where's the empathy? Where's the common sense? What is this, high school? Come on, we're supposed to be grown-ups. When we give expecting to get, it loses it's value. If she'd given me a chance, I'd have responded the way she wanted me to. I just couldn't do it in her time frame. How selfless is that?People, if you're going to suddenly show up 23 years later in someone's life, as if dropped by a helicopter on top of a mountain to ski, think about why you want to connect with this person. Think about what is going on in their life. Maybe you want them back in your life, but why would they want you back in theirs? Maybe I don't want to think about who I was back then, and the jerk I was dating whom you will undoubtedly bring up in conversation. Why?  Because all we have in common now is who we used to be.This woman and I had a marvelous working relationship 23 years ago, and we should've left it at that.