An open letter to my suicidal friends--get help now!!

Dear Suicidal Friends,

It is with great empathy and a heavy heart that I write you today. I have never been in your shoes, so I will not belittle your pain as if to say, "I know how you feel." I don't know how you feel. And anyone who tries to "cheer you up" by saying, "get over it", clearly has no idea how you feel either. What I do know is, suicide is not the answer.

I realize you are in great pain and want the pain to go away.  Those of us who have not walked in your shoes cannot fathom how you feel right now. But--choosing suicide is a cowardly act. SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM. It's giving up on yourself.  You are basically saying, "I've tried everything to feel better, and nothing is working."

Have you tried everything you can to feel better? Have you? Do your closest friends and family truly know how you feel? I believe it's because suicidal people have a chemical imbalance. Think of it this way--how do you feel when you're in love? The whole world is rosy. The sky is bluer, the grass is greener, food tastes better, and you walk with a spring in your step. You have all those wonderful endorphins rushing through your system. I guess feeling suicidal is the flip side of that. Everything is gray, everything is harder, everything becomes a great effort. You can't just "cheer yourself up." 

Feeling the way you do is not shameful. Asking for help is not shameful. I know that you are a great friend to YOUR friends--if they came to you and said, "hey, I'm not doing so well, I may hurt myself," what would you do? You'd be there for them. You'd rush to their side, take them for coffee, hold them in your arms. You'd listen and talk and be there for them. You are there for YOUR friends, now let them be there for YOU. 

I have a friend who is suicidal and has actually attempted suicide at one point in her life. She is still not out of the woods. It scares me to think I will get a phone call like the one I got about my friend Erin, and my brother. It is a helpless feeling to know our words are ignored because of the dark cloud that obscures rational thought at a time when you need it most. Your friends are rational and can see beyond your pain. Please let them help you!!

When a friend or family member responds to your cries for help, I'm begging you to give them a chance to help you. If you died today, or tomorrow, we will blame ourselves for not being a better friend. I know you don't have the energy to deal with OUR pain, but if I can stop and make you see just for a second how loved your really are, even if you don't feel lovable, you will allow someone to hold your hand through this. 

If possible, take a walk. Get outdoors. Bundle up if you have to, and just talk a slow walk. Take deep breaths and really take in the scenery around you. Listen to the birds. Listen to the cars rushing by. Listen to a train's horn. Pick up a leaf and marvel at how perfect it is. Listen to your heartbeat--the wonderful pumping of blood that is keeping you alive. You, like the leaf, like the birds, like the sky. 

are a one-of-a-kind marvelous creation. It's my hope that you will feel better, even a little bit. You know why? You will get those endorphins going, and we need all the feel-good hormones we can get.  Or play some music that makes you feel like dancing--even if you don't feel like dancing. I truly believe music can help. 

I'm a runner. I started running when my BFF found out she had Stage 4 breast cancer. I ran because she couldn't. I felt guilty I was healthy and she was sick. I found myself crying as I began my run, thinking about how she was getting chemo while I was out in the sunshine. By the time I got home, I had cried it all out and was ready to call her and be a good friend. This went on for months. She is cancer-free now, and I'm still running. Getting outside in the fresh air helps me. Maybe it'll help you.

There are more laughs to be had, more love to be in your life, if you let it. Please choose life, and get help. Call a friend, go to the hospital, call a hotline. We all want you to be around as long as possible, and we want you to be happy. You CAN get there. Lean on someone you trust, even if it's a stranger. Because we care. Please call someone today. 

If you, or someone you know, is in suicidal crisis or emotional distress please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

I love you,

Lauren

P.S. Some websites to turn to:

http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Have-Attempted-Suicide/32285

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/

http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=1

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What can I do to help someone who is suicidal? Take it seriously. Myth: “The people who talk about it don't do it.” Studies have found that more than 75% of all completed suicides did things in the few weeks or months prior to their deaths to indicate to others that they were in deep despair. Anyone expressing suicidal feelings needs immediate attention. Myth: “Anyone who tries to kill himself has got to be crazy.” Perhaps 10% of all suicidal people are psychotic or have delusional beliefs about reality. Most suicidal people suffer from the recognized mental illness of depression; but many depressed people adequately manage their daily affairs. The absence of “craziness” does not mean the absence of suicide risk. “Those problems weren't enough to commit suicide over,” is often said by people who knew a completed suicide. You cannot assume that because you feel something is not worth being suicidal about, that the person you are with feels the same way. It is not how bad the problem is, but how badly it's hurting the person who has it. Remember: suicidal behavior is a cry for help. Myth: “If a someone is going to kill himself, nothing can stop him.” The fact that a person is still alive is sufficient proof that part of him wants to remain alive. The suicidal person is ambivalent - part of him wants to live and part of him wants not so much death as he wants the pain to end. It is the part that wants to live that tells another “I feel suicidal.” If a suicidal person turns to you it is likely that he believes that you are more caring, more informed about coping with misfortune, and more willing to protect his confidentiality. No matter how negative the manner and content of his talk, he is doing a positive thing and has a positive view of you. Be willing to give and get help sooner rather than later. Suicide prevention is not a last minute activity. All textbooks on depression say it should be reached as soon as possible. Unfortunately, suicidal people are afraid that trying to get help may bring them more pain: being told they are stupid, foolish, sinful, or manipulative; rejection; punishment; suspension from school or job; written records of their condition; or involuntary commitment. You need to do everything you can to reduce pain, rather than increase or prolong it. Constructively involving yourself on the side of life as early as possible will reduce the risk of suicide. Listen.Give the person every opportunity to unburden his troubles and ventilate his feelings. You don't need to say much and there are no magic words. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it. Give him relief from being alone with his pain; let him know you are glad he turned to you. Patience, sympathy, acceptance. Avoid arguments and advice giving. ASK: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” Myth: “Talking about it may give someone the idea.” People already have the idea; suicide is constantly in the news media. If you ask a despairing person this question you are doing a good thing for them: you are showing him that you care about him, that you take him seriously, and that you are willing to let him share his pain with you. You are giving him further opportunity to discharge pent up and painful feelings. If the person is having thoughts of suicide, find out how far along his ideation has progressed. If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave him alone. If the means are present, try to get rid of them. Detoxify the home.  Urge professional help. Persistence and patience may be needed to seek, engage and continue with as many options as possible. In any referral situation, let the person know you care and want to maintain contact. No secrets. It is the part of the person that is afraid of more pain that says “Don't tell anyone.” It is the part that wants to stay alive that tells you about it. Respond to that part of the person and persistently seek out a mature and compassionate person with whom you can review the situation. (You can get outside help and still protect the person from pain causing breaches of privacy.) Do not try to go it alone. Get help for the person and for yourself. Distributing the anxieties and responsibilities of suicide prevention makes it easier and much more effective. From crisis to recovery. Most people have suicidal thoughts or feelings at some point in their lives; yet less than 2% of all deaths are suicides. Nearly all suicidal people suffer from conditions that will pass with time or with the assistance of a recovery program. There are hundreds of modest steps we can take to improve our response to the suicidal and to make it easier for them to seek help. Taking these modest steps can save many lives and reduce a great deal of human suffering. WARNING SIGNSConditions associated with increased risk of suicide Death or terminal illness of relative or friend. Divorce, separation, broken relationship, stress on family. Loss of health (real or imaginary). Loss of job, home, money, status, self-esteem, personal security. Alcohol or drug abuse. Depression. In the young depression may be masked by hyperactivity or acting out behavior. In the elderly it may be incorrectly attributed to the natural effects of aging. Depression that seems to quickly disappear for no apparent reason is cause for concern. The early stages of recovery from depression can be a high risk period. Recent studies have associated anxiety disorders with increased risk for attempted suicide. Emotional and behavioral changes associated with suicide Overwhelming Pain: pain that threatens to exceed the person's pain coping capacities. Suicidal feelings are often the result of longstanding problems that have been exacerbated by recent precipitating events. The precipitating factors may be new pain or the loss of pain coping resources. Hopelessness: the feeling that the pain will continue or get worse; things will never get better. Powerlessness: the feeling that one's resources for reducing pain are exhausted. Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, self-hatred, “no one cares”. Fears of losing control, harming self or others. Personality becomes sad, withdrawn, tired, apathetic, anxious, irritable, or prone to angry outbursts. Declining performance in school, work, or other activities. (Occasionally the reverse: someone who volunteers for extra duties because they need to fill up their time.) Social isolation; or association with a group that has different moral standards than those of the family. Declining interest in sex, friends, or activities previously enjoyed. Neglect of personal welfare, deteriorating physical appearance. Alterations in either direction in sleeping or eating habits. (Particularly in the elderly) Self-starvation, dietary mismanagement, disobeying medical instructions. Difficult times: holidays, anniversaries, and the first week after discharge from a hospital; just before and after diagnosis of a major illness; just before and during disciplinary proceedings. Undocumented status adds to the stress of a crisis. Suicidal Behavior Previous suicide attempts, “mini-attempts”. Explicit statements of suicidal ideation or feelings. Development of suicidal plan, acquiring the means, “rehearsal” behavior, setting a time for the attempt. Self-inflicted injuries, such as cuts, burns, or head banging. Reckless behavior. (Besides suicide, other leading causes of death among young people in New York City are homicide, accidents, drug overdose, and AIDS.) Unexplained accidents among children and the elderly. Making out a will or giving away favorite possessions. Inappropriately saying goodbye. Verbal behavior that is ambiguous or indirect: “I'm going away on a real long trip.”, “You won't have to worry about me anymore.”, “I want to go to sleep and never wake up.”, “I'm so depressed, I just can't go on.”, “Does God punish suicides?”, “Voices are telling me to do bad things.”, requests for euthanasia information, inappropriate joking, stories or essays on morbid themes. A WARNING ABOUT WARNING SIGNSThe majority of the population at any one time does not have many of the warning signs and has a lower suicide risk rate. But a lower rate in a larger population is still a lot of people - and many completed suicides had only a few of the conditions listed above. In a one person to another person situation, all indications of suicidality need to be taken seriously. __________________ Fall seven times, stand up eight When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on

 

Suicide--A Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem

A few days ago, I lost a dear friend who apparently took her own life.  I will preface this right now by saying losing someone to suicide is sadly not a new experience for me. My older brother Glenn killed himself 13 years ago. When the news comes, it's beyond shocking, and like any loss, it never really heals. Erin's death at her own hands is something a lot of people either don't want to discuss or can't wait to gossip about. I'm discussing it here because like so many of you, I'm grieving. I miss her. Why did she do it?  One thing I know for sure is, the more you try to get answers on the proverbial question, "WHY?" the more questions you will get. And you will be haunted forever as all those questions remain unanswered.

Although I didn't know her well, I have very fond memories of Erin Bray. She was my son's Forensics teacher, and it was his favorite class. We became friends the day I met her; I had brought several dozen doughnuts to her class for Ian's birthday. She was so bubbly, petite and pretty, and happy. We clicked instantly. Shortly after we became friends, my husband accepted the job here in Wisconsin. Our last day in Reedley, with streams of friends coming by all day to our home to say goodbye, Erin was the only one who stayed and helped us clean our house. She spent a whole afternoon on her hands and knees scrubbing our garage refrigerator. We laughed and chatted and got to know her. Now THAT is a good friend. We couldn't believe she wanted to spend her day getting black mold up to her elbows. She had fun and so did we.

Tim and I took a trip to San Francisco this past April to see a favorite musician in concert, and Erin happened to offer to drive up and have dinner with us! She was in Sacramento visiting family and said it was just a short trip for her. We had a wonderful dinner at the Stinking Rose and took a hilarious taxi trip all over San Francisco with a cabbie who turned our ride into a "Cash Cab" ride, making up questions for us to answer as if it were the TV show. We ended up at a Tarot Card reading, and all I can remember about what she said about Erin was that she was going to be very successful at a new career with people, because she was "so good with people". So true.  I wonder if the Tarot Card reader saw her real spirit, and saw that she was struggling inside emotionally. We'll never know. That was the last time I saw her.

She talked often about coming to see us here in Wisconsin. I offered to pay her plane fare to encourage her to come.  I knew that her leaving Reedley High was very hard on her and thought she needed an escape--a trip to see friends that would give her love and support and spoil her rotten with our home cooking and comfortable guest room for a few days. Sadly she never came. She went to Europe and posted many happy vacation pictures, smiling and clearly having the time of her life. She had just returned.

As far as I knew, my brother seemed to have it all. He had just graduated with honors from Cal State Fullerton with an MBA. He had a great job as a chemist. He owned his own home. He drove a brand-new sports car, had lots of money, and not being married, had all the freedom a guy could want. So, why would he kill himself?? Good question. I'm still searching for the answer.

When we received such horrifying news such as we received this week about Erin, the first thing we think is "why?". The second is, "what could I have done as her friend to stop her?" or "what could I have done as her friend to know she felt this way? How could I have been a better friend and saw it coming and helped her?" We are suffering now. Her pain is gone, and ours has begun.

I know that suicide prevention websites will tell you that most of the time, suicidal people DO leave "hints" that they're suicidal, and that we just don't realize it. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not, but it doesn't help us deal with our grief by suggesting that we overlooked something we could've done to prevent our friend or loved one from doing what they did. The people who write these "informative" things have a lot of experience with suicides, and yes, maybe now we will too. Even me, who's gone through this before, didn't see it coming with Erin. Maybe the signs were there, maybe they weren't, either for me or those closer to her. It's important to remember that she alone chose to cope with her pain by ending her life, and didn't reach out for help. IT'S NOT OUR FAULT.

Usually that's how a suicide happens. Suddenly, and out of the blue. TO US. We know now that my brother had been planning his suicide for at least a week if not longer. He left a lengthy suicide note on how he wanted to be buried; items he wanted with him; how to distribute his money, etc. His house was shockingly completely empty and looked like a hotel room. What did he do with all his stuff?? How long had he been planning this?? It appeared very methodical and organized. His wasn't a momentary, "I can't take this anymore" and impulsively shot himself. No, he planned it. Did we have any idea? No, we didn't. Had I gone over to his house though and saw he had no belongings anymore, I'd have at least had a clue something was amiss. Could I have prevented his suicide? Maybe I could've suggested he get help. Would he have acted on it instead of killing himself? Who knows. I know I'll never know. One of the hard questions I'll have forever to think about.

Yes, we all saw Erin's posts on Facebook that she was distraught over this James guy. Not being close to her, I don't know who he is or what he could've meant to her, or how upset she truly was over things with him. I wonder how he feels about this. Did he know her well? Did she reach out to him in her final moments? We'll never know. But it's not his fault either. We don't even know if her suicide had anything to do with him. We can't and shouldn't try to blame anyone. SHE CHOSE NOT TO GET HELP. We need to feel compassion and empathy for her pain, not chastise her. She sought relief in a desperate bid to end her pain.

Being a casual observer, it's easy to glean from her posts that she just had a really bad day. Facebook has a way of minimizing people's day-to-day problems. People tend to post only the good things that happen to them and either leave out the bad or minimize it. Take a good look next time you log on and you'll realize how sanitized everyone's posts are.  I've even seen people's posts about finding out they had cancer, or heart surgery, and it's always minimized. "I'm doing great!" they'll post, when honestly, they're besides themselves with depression. It's the old agage--when someone asks you, "how are you?" they don't really want you to say the truth. They'd rather you just say, "Fine, thanks, how about you?" The truth is scary, and it takes more time and energy to listen.

I do know one thing from all the posts on Erin's page since her death is that she was truly loved by so so many. Did she know this? Probably not. Had she known how many lives she touched that she'd be hurting so many people by ending her life? Probably not. Had all those posts come just a day before that if she needed a friend "just call me or text me" had prevented her from ending her life? Probably not.

None of us will ever know how despondent a person must become to end their life. We cannot truly comprehend the actions Erin took and I will never understand my brother's either, and it's been 13 years.  A choice was made that is irrevocable. I call it, "a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Because that's what it is.

As long as we're alive, we can change our circumstances. Erin and my brother had many people who cared about them and claim they would've come at a moment's notice had they called us and said, "I'm really depressed. I'm thinking about killing myself. Come sit with me and hold me." Who of us would really drop everything and be there for that person? Come on--be honest. We are all so f--ing busy we pooh-pooh one other's pain and crises for our own inconvenience.

I know some of you are already offended. Well, you should be. I'm trying to shake you up. I'm giving myself a slap in the face as I write this. We need to listen better, and be better friends to our friends and better relatives to our relatives. Maybe having 600 "friends" on Facebook is the problem--how can we possibly be "friends" to 600 people??? Can we call those "aquaintances" instead? If we aren't going to take our friendships seriously, we shouldn't call them "friendships". I have the rest of my life to think about what a lousy sister I was to my brother, that I didn't have a clue he was so depressed. Could I have saved him? Of course not. But I could've called him more often, and made more room in my life for him. I was busy with a new baby (Ian) and a part-time waitressing job and a husband and so I made excuses. At the very least, I might've been able to steer him towards professional therapy and we could've rallied around him to give him support. Hindsight, as they say, is 20-20.

BUT--that aside, my brother didn't let on when I did call him, or maybe I was too self-involved to really listen to what he wasn't saying. I know people who saw Erin just days before she did this and they are the most pained. No one said she seemed depressed. Maybe she was trying to cheer herself up with the friends that she did see in the days before she died. I'm sure they did. I'm sure she knew she was loved by a few, but that knowledge was overridden by her pain.

I believe a person takes their life under the following circumstances--#1, they are in great pain. Whether it's a lost love or financial circumstances, they are in great pain and want the pain to end. It's that unbearable to them. #2, they have lost hope. They have lost hope that they will ever feel better. The pain is so great and so unbearable, they have lost the ability to see beyond their present state, and #3, they are clinically depressed. Which is why if we can steer them towards therapy they might have had a chance. There are some great drugs out there now and with psychological help they might be able to feel better, which ultimately, can lead to better problem solving and eventually, being happy again. A suicidal person is not a person of bad moral character; they are depressed. Did you notice how grey everything looked the day you got the bad news about your friend's death? Everything else was suddenly superceded by your grief. Now, multiply that by 1000, and you might have an indication of how your loved one felt. Alone, suffering, and in great pain. Do you feel like you'll never stop crying over her? Do you feel tormented by the way she died, and that you will never again get to hear her laugh or have fun with her again? That's what hurts the most, she was so young and had so very much to live for.

That's it folks. And that's why we bear such guilt-- we feel as their friends and loved ones, we should've been able to help them see that there IS hope, that things CAN get better. We feel we could've prevented Erin or my brother from their suicides. I know we all feel that way. It's called "survivor guilt". For me, especially when my brother died, I was reluctant to talk about it. There is so much shame surrounding suicide, especially religious fanatics who will inflict further harm by declaring that the loved one will "go to hell for what they did." This does not help.

Talking with each other, supporting each other together DOES help. It helps to go over and over and over the last conversations and interactions we had with the loved one who ended their life, and trying to find the answer to "why". The "why" that will never be answered is the hardest part of the loss. Because there is no good answer. No matter what a person's circumstances, suicide should never be considered a solution. The person who dies doesn't ever really receive relief from the pain they're experiencing, and they've unwittingly inflicted great emotional harm to everyone around them who cares about them. I know I will never get over my brother's death, and the way he took his life and was found is too horrifying for me to deal with. Thinking about how he suffered, and how Erin suffered, is so painful all we can do is cry. Crying is necessary. Don't be afraid to cry.

And if you see a "cry for help" from a friend or loved one, act on it. Call that friend and talk to them. And if it's you that's considering suicide, call someone RIGHT NOW. There are people who care, even strangers. You are one-of-a-kind, you are unique, and you have a purpose here on Earth. We only get one life, and we deserve to be happy. You can be. There is hope.

I will miss you Erin. More than you know.

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-faqs.html