Back-to-School Equals Growing Pains for Mom

We Kuckelmans have just passed the one-year mark since we moved here to Wisconsin from California. We still have lots and lots of unpacked boxes, and my closet is an absolute mess: not having built-in-drawers like we did in our Reedley house. Being obsessed with the show "Hoarders", it doesn't slip by me that certain areas of my home are quite frightening. (Fortunately, just my closet and the basement).

It's the day after Labor Day, and the weather has shifted so drastically, and it's so different from California. My friends there tell me it's still sweltering hot, in the 100's, and yesterday we had a high of 67 and a low of 39! Jennifer turned the heater on today to get ready for school.  I took Odie our dog out this morning for the walk to the mailbox to get the newspaper, and fall is definitely here. The air is so dry and crisp, everything smells amazing, the birds have come out of hiding, and it just feels good.

It was time to put out the bowl of peanuts for the birds, chipmunks, and squirrels again, and it didn't take more than a few minutes for the beautiful male red cardinals to find the bowl. Sitting nearby was a  beautiful blue jay waiting for his turn. The hanging seed feeder is swinging back and forth with the little birds. Aw, fall is here. I breathe in as much as I can and exhale, feeling something changing in the air.

I took a moment to sit down on the front porch with our cat Sammy and take it all in. The sun coming in now at a slant, the dew on the grass, the chill in the air. It was just after 7 a.m.; I had just said goodbye to Ian, and realize how grown-up my son is now. This is the first year since he started kindergarten that I'm not driving him to school. I knew this day would come all last year, as he got his driver's license this spring. I knew I would be sad, and happy for him at the same time. This morning, I'm feeling more sad than happy. I miss our 10 minute morning drives--our little chats about whatever, giving him that last, "have a good day sweetie" and knowing he got to school safely. It's so hard letting go.

Ian is not only a junior in high school, he's a college freshman! He is attending a 4-year private university here called Carroll University where he's taking Calc 3. He passed Calc AB/BC with an A+ last year and also got a 5 on his Calc AP test so he qualified for this senior-level class! His high school is paying his tuition and books and my 16-year-old boy is sitting in a college class with mostly college seniors. He loves it and fits right in--he said no one has said anything about him being 4-6 years younger than everyone else.

Ian also has a job now! He's working for a sort of upscale fast food restaurant here called Qdoba and he loves it. He takes pride in working--being on time, making sure his uniform is clean, and doing a good job. He has come out of his shy shell and told me he loves when it's not busy so he can spend more time chatting with the customers! (and NOT just the pretty girls--I had to tease him). I stare at my body-builder son, all those muscles and so handsome, so independent now, leading such a busy grown-up life, and get wistful. The red and golden leaves falling from the trees reminds me of holding Ian's little hand, walking down the sidewalk, and alternately stepping on leaves to hear the crunch sound, and collecting the prettiest ones. Now they just blow aside as he careens his car down the driveway and out to his  new world where I'm not included. Did I mention he has a girlfriend too? Yep, I've been replaced in many ways. SHE holds his hand now.

My little girl turns 12 tomorrow, and she is planning a fun sleepover with a few friends. Yesterday when I went to Walgreen's to get her a birthday card, I realized I was reading the ones for "you're a young woman now" instead of the Disney princess-y ones. She is truly a "tween"--those were both alternately too old and too young for her. The "number" cards only go up to 10, then skip to 13, 16, and 21. (then of course, you know the rest--30, 40, 50,60, 70 etc.) And of course, shopping for a gift for her does not include any trips to the toy aisle. Nope, she's done with toys. It's earrings, hair accessories, clothes, perfume, make-up, fun girl stuff! But she wants to share all this with her friends. Not her mom. Again, I'm pushed aside.

I get it now why the teen years are so hard on moms. I don't know if fathers have the same difficulties in letting go. Maybe they do, but these kids grew inside me--I remember when I couldn't even go to the bathroom without holding a baby at the same time, or being followed in by a toddler. It's a gradual thing--they go from needing constant attention, to you getting a shower alone for 10 minutes and it's heaven, and next thing you know, they are driving themselves to school. It's insane how time flies.

But one thing I know for sure--my kids do still need me. Yesterday I told my boss how I needed to cut back my hours because my kids need me. I was so happy to do it. Being present for them, even if all it means is Mom is sitting at the kitchen counter waiting there when they get home from school, is important. I can't stomach them coming home to an empty house, and I can't do it anymore. I know they can get their own after-school snack, and I know they can be alone for a few hours while I'm at work, but if I have a choice to be there, why wouldn't I want that?

I learned that at this age, my role has changed. I listen more, and talk less, and steer and guide with my words more than with four wheels.  Ian is out in the big world now, and I can't be everywhere to protect him. It's soooooo hard. Will he make good choices? Will he live up to his potential? Will he be happy?Will he be safe? As Dr. Phil says, I try to be the "soft place to fall", where they are loved unconditionally, and here to give them the hugs and smiles and affirmations they need to cope with the stressful world of being a teenager. We talk about everything, and I mean everything--and I hope they know I'm on their side and will do anything to help them navigate through this difficult age they're in. I think my kids are growing up to be the neatest people I know, and I don't just love them, I really LIKE them.

I know that I'll be their mommy forever, and I get it now how no matter how big they get, they'll always be my babies. I can't allow myself to even think for a moment what it'll be like two years from now when Ian goes away to college---so for today, I will cherish his big bear hugs and knowing that even though he's a busy boy, he's still a boy; a boy who still needs his mom. And that Jennifer is still needing my approval and encouragement to become the young woman she is becoming, and for that, I take that role seriously.

I hope I'm doing a good job. It's the hardest job I've ever had. Those hours I definitely am not ready to cut back on.

Contempt or Comfort? It's All in the Eye of the Beholder

"Familiarity Breeds Contempt", goes the old saying, and certainly I can agree it sometimes rings true. I know that before we moved all the way from Reedley,  California to Hartland, Wisconsin, I was sick and tired of driving down a particular road called Manning. Manning was the main artery that connected little Reedley to big-city Fresno and beyond. It was 12 miles down Manning to get to the freeway. It was another 15 miles via freeway to get to Target, the mall, decent restaurants, and nightlife. You can imagine how many times we went down that 12-mile stretch over the course of the 8 years we lived there. 

Additionally, to get to our kids' elementary school, we had to drive down Manning. About 2 miles. Not far, but a quick calculation of the back-and-forth from home to school multiplied by eight years and yes, you have contempt.  I loved that their school was so close, but there was really only one way to get there, and yes, it involved Manning. 

When our son got to high school, Manning became a street that was basically a skip-and-a-jump over to get to the street it was actually on. It was such a nice diversion! And of course, having one kid in elementary and the other in high school, there was a new back-and-forth routine, picking one kid up and driving to get the other kid at the new school location.

I remember the day we left Reedley, we were so sad, recalling all the things we were going to miss. Our friends---numero uno. Our beloved house. Tied for numero uno. Our favorite breakfast spot--Main Street Cafe. The donut shop, "Donuts to Go", cute little downtown Reedley, the annual Christmas and pet parades. The things we were going to miss were so numerous. To break the sadness and tension, I said to my family as we drove out of town, "I am NOT going to miss driving down Manning! If I ever drive down Manning again I'll stab myself!!" and we all laughed in agreement. Yet when we visited over Christmas, we drove once again down that bedeviled street. It was wistful, not contemptuous. 

We have been in Wisconsin now for five months and two days, and we have yet to feel the "contempt" that too much familiarity breeds. We have our morning routines down, but we see new things every trip. Just this morning my son noticed all the icicles hanging from everyone's roof eves. We commented that people in Wisconsin don't hang Christmas icicle lights because----they have REAL ICICLES!!!  My husband has learned several new ways to get around our little town, so that too breaks the monotony. We have eaten out quite a few times, but nothing has stuck in our craw as a favorite yet like our Main Street Cafe did, or Jon's Bear Club, or The Pub, or Valentino's. Nope. We are trying though, you gotta give us that. There is a pizza place that we've been to twice, and we like it. Maybe eventually it'll replace our Valentino's but you can't force that sort of warm fuzzy no matter how hard you want to feel it. It something that just happens, like a mad crush that comes out of nowhere, or a favorite song. When you feel it, you just know it's right.

We do feel an affinity for our gym---we go often enough to feel comfortable but for Tim and me, we still don't know a soul here. It's really a strange and lonely feeling to never see a familiar face wherever you go. When we were back visiting Reedley over Christmas, I'd barely gotten out of my car to go to CVS when I heard, "LAUREN!!!!!!" I bumped into people I knew everywhere. (Most of whom were confused as to where I'd been the last 5 months they hadn't seen me). You know, acquaintances but not friends who get used to your mug in their daily lives, and you get used to theirs. You don't know their names, but you probably know their kids' names. You sat side-by-side at endless Little League games, and school fundraisers. That's what I miss the most having moved 1500 miles away. The friendly wave when you drive by, and boasting about your kids' grade point average to someone who knows how hard your kid really worked for it, because they've known them since they were knee-high to a grasshopper.

I know it wasn't always like this. When my husband's job moved us to Reedley in 2002, we didn't know a soul then either. I think I pouted then too,  but I'd dug my heels in and got involved in the kids' school. I volunteered in their classrooms, and started the chess club. I was there almost as much as the kids were! I've been a lucky stay-at-home mom for more than 14 years now, so I was able to do all that. I even became a substitute teacher! I was a friendly, reliable, semi-permanent fixture at their elementary school.

Well, Jenni's a middle-schooler now, and Ian's a high school sophomore, so the days of helping in their classrooms is long over. I'm glad I did it then, but how do I make friends now? How do I stay involved now? It's much more difficult, and the first semester has ended and I still don't know anyone here. My kids are doing great---they have settled in and adapted amazingly well. I'm so happy for them.

So, what about me? I'm the new person, the one with the funny accent (hahah, that's funny). I'm the one that's too loud, dresses too differently, wears too much glittery jewelry. I am irritated time and again over how different and new everything is, and I have trouble keeping my mouth shut. Everyone seems to know one another and that's a lonely feeling.  I'm the one that has suddenly become shy because I feel so different. I keep to myself but sometimes I get so lonely I just talk to anyone and everyone. I've noticed how quiet and boring most people here live---and I enjoy being the life of the party. I don't care if people talk about me behind my back---as long as they're talking about me!!

I'm taking private vocal lessons, and my teacher is amazing. Hopefully Tim and I will put a new band together and start performing again. Breaking up our band was really the hardest part of leaving  Reedley. Baseball season will be sad for Ian's former team without him; the boys have all played together for six years. We thought that when we moved away, WE were the ones who suffered the most, but in seeing friends and family again, we realized that our absence left a hole in their lives as well. I hadn't thought of that.

The familiarity of friendships and shared experiences breeds not contempt, but comfort.