I'm too old to wear....what???

Well hello there everyone, it's been too long since I blogged. Not like I haven't anything to blog about--I've always got an opinion on everything---just nothing that's made me say, "I've got to blog about THAT!"

Except for something I saw on the morning news earlier this week.

Every morning, my darling daughter and I have breakfast together before I take her to school (after I take Ian, it's another hour before she has to leave). We watch the "Today" show together and read the comics and horoscope, and discuss what we see on the news.  They had a feature called, "Too Old to Wear" (Grammar folks? Punctuation?? Guess I'm "too old" cuz I care about that sort of stuff). Anyway, they had polled people on some site I can't locate on Google called, "Diet Life", and they came up with a list of clothes and hairstyles they believe have a shelf life.

Basically, if you're over 35, you shouldn't do the following:

1. Wear a bikini.
2. Have long hair.
3. If you have long hair, don't wear it in a ponytail.
4. Wear a miniskirt.
5. Wear knee-high boots, a tight vest, leggings, a see-through chiffon blouse, or stilettos.

Now if you're reading this, and you know me, you know I don't follow any of these "suggestions". Who the hell are these people anyway? Who did the poll? What are THEIR ages? Male? Female? (I think it's interesting that the website doesn't exist....). And of course, they forgave several "cougar" celebrities who break these fashion "rules" because of their awesome physiques. In other words, it's okay for them, but not for the rest of us.

You won't be surprised to hear I think it's a crock of shit. These "suggestions" go along with the whole stupid, "Don't wear white between Labor Day and Memorial Day".  I love it. I just had to laugh.

I'm just glad they didn't say anything about skinny jeans, tight T-shirts over camis and Converse All-Stars. Because that's pretty much all I wear, and yes, I just turned 50.  I really don't want to dress like most women my age. Have you seen the way most women my age dress?? Most women my age are afraid of their sexuality. They dress like they're always going to church in the most unflattering styles you can imagine. One mom I know wears old battered sneakers every single day, no matter what the event. Scary!!

Let me tell you about a compliment I got shortly after we moved here to Wisconsin. I was wearing my usual outfit (bling included), and had to stop by the State Farm Insurance office to drop off some important paperwork. Our new agent greeted me; I gave him the papers and all and as we said, "good day" to one another, he stopped me and said, "I just have to tell you something, Lauren. It's so nice to see someone dressed in something without an animal on it!" I laughed and said, "What??" I didn't understand what he meant. He said, "The women here all wear these dorky shirts with animals on them. And I don't mean animal prints", he said, "more like deer, penguins, cats, that sort of thing. You're definitely from California!" I took this as a compliment and blushed three shades of pink and thanked him and left.

That is my point ladies. Are you wearing an animal on your clothing today? Throw it out! Get rid of it! No one wants to look at it. Especially your man. Bleh!

I know I dress like a teenager. No one needs to tell me I dress strangely. But I like it. It's me, I feel good. My daughter likes it, my son doesn't seem to care. If you feel sexy wearing a church-lady vest with kittens on it, then good for you, go rock that vest. But really, do you?

It's really that I don't have a fashion sense. I'm always waiting for the phone call from the show, "What Not to Wear". I'm waiting for one of my family members or girlfriends to rat me out and put me in "What 50 year olds OUGHT TO WEAR". It wouldn't work anyway, so please don't try.

I just bought a new bikini, it's sooo cute! It's yellow and has lace on it. My daughter picked it out for me. And as for stilettos? Yep, got a new pair of silver ones. Long hair? Check. (I do have it colored professionally and trimmed every 5-6 weeks). Ponytail? When I go to the gym or go for a run. Leggings? In the winter, black, under a thigh-length sweater-dress. Yes, and flats to go with it. Cute!
See-through chiffon shirts? Nah, not really my style. Knee-high boots? Hmmm, I do own a pair, but haven't actually worn them yet.....

What is it with women my age? Why are they so unfashionable? I think I know. For one thing, our bodies have let us down. We can exercise like Jack LaLane and still have muffin top. We live to serve and please our kids and husbands, and that leaves precious little time for us to focus on ourselves. We put ourselves last for so long, it becomes a habit.

It's not selfish to take good care of ourselves ladies! Everyone benefits. Like my good friend Inka says, "ain't nobody happy unless Momma's happy." True, true true. We have to give ourselves permission.
I am giving you permission today my wonderful friends.

By not wearing makeup, by not wearing flattering hairstyles or clothes, we are invisible. We are blending in. Not everyone likes to call attention to themselves like I do--but for me, it's about individuality. I dress for me. I don't care if most people think I look ridiculous--I feel comfortable in my clothes and in my own skin. I can go to the grocery store now without makeup, in my sweats, without a care in the world. But it's not something I do all the time. I feel more confident if I put a little effort into myself.

Most women my age are afraid of their sexuality. As we enter menopause, we become friskier, and for many women, that scares them. Yes, I know, it takes money and time to take care of ourselves. Waxing and pedicures, makeup and clothing is expensive. But I think we're worth it, don't you? I'm sure your husband will appreciate it. You won't be worrying about him checking out some woman's cleavage next time you're at a ball game cuz he'll be checking YOU out instead! (not to mention the other guys checking you out). It's fun. I recommend it.

If you want to read a great book about the anxiety of aging, grab Nora Epron's best-seller, "I Feel Bad About My Neck." It's ra, truthful and hilarious about all the work that can go into aging gracefully. I think you can get pretty carried away---I'm not yet into Botox or plastic surgery---that stuff scares me. I'll just stick to exercise and vitamins and lots of face cream for the time being.

Back to the "Today" show---I should write them and complain. Who makes these stupid decisions to show such an opinionated poll such as how old should a woman be to wear certain things? How about we do a feature on certain things MEN shouldn't wear/do?

 Under NO circumstances should men do the following (age is up to you ladies!)

1. Wear a handlebar moustache
2. Grow a beard to where kids call you "Santa"
3. Wear a ponytail
4. Beer belly strut
5. Donald Trump comb-overs
6. Socks and sandals
7. Pinky rings
8. Plumber jeans
9. Button down plaid shirts, open, over a white T-shirt.
10. Anything Homer Simpson would wear
11. Khaki.


Can you add to the list? I'd like to hear from my readers. What's keeping YOU from being your hottest self?

I See Naked People

I witnessed something truly frightening at my gym yesterday in the locker room. I had just come from my workout, and was standing at my locker, key in hand, ready to open it up when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a rather obese woman probably in her 70's or 80s standing across from me, stark naked. She was just standing there, completely absorbed watching "Nate Berkus" on the locker room TV. She was clutching a folded-up towel, seemingly unaware that it wasn't unfolded and wasn't covering up her mashed-potato physique. This wasn't frightening in and of itself. I see naked people in the locker room all the time. I wouldn't have probably remembered her a day later had the following not occurred.

When I returned to my locker about 15 minutes later after showering, she was STILL standing there, holding her towel! She was so mesmerized by Nate Berkus she was completely unaware of her nakedness. I think she forgot she was in a public place and thought she was in her own bathroom at home. I think my presence woke her out of her stupor, because as I passed her, looking down at the carpet of course, she jolted out of her stance and began to wipe herself down with the towel. **WARNING--HERE COMES THE FRIGHTENING PART** and you know what I mean when I say "wiped". I was so grossed out. THEN she turned around and bent over to get something she'd dropped. I COULD SEE FROM HERE TO CHINA!!! Holding my breath,  I gathered my things and ran out of there. I was like, "This woman is old enough to be my grandmother! Where did she grow balls like that?"

Now I've seen lots of naked women in the locker room, but for the most part, locker-room nakedness usually consists of fleeting moments of necessity;  total nakedness is unneccesary for any length of time longer than a millisecond. What happened to modesty?? And to think Dr. Laura blames the media for our young generation being corrupt? What about the corrupt old folk, huh Dr. Laura? Who's fault is that?

Have you ever seen a really gorgeous young woman in the locker room walking around naked? (pause here for your answer......)NO. ME NEITHER.  Not that I WANT to see pretty young naked women walking around the locker room, but my point is, why do only unattractive, overweight women waltz around the gym naked? I'm all for loving your body the way it is, yeah yeah yeah, but come on ladies, get a clue! We don't want to see your hairy asses and you shouldn't want to be showing them to us!!! I think I'm being reasonable here.  I personally change out of my clothes as quickly as I can, facing the lockers. If I drop something, I cover up my naked ass first! Jeez! I have a body I could flaunt but it doesn't occur to me to parade around naked.

I was telling this story to my son Ian. He was laughing his head off as he was listening, and then proceeded to tell me his own horror stories of elderly (some overweight, some not) naked men in the men's locker room as well. He was telling me how they parade around naked, without a care in the world whatsoever. He said the worst he saw was two old geezers chatting to one another, stark naked, just chatting as if they'd met in a bookstore parking lot. Ian and I are wondering what's up with oldsters  and why they love to be naked? Even my son said he has more modesty than these people. He's embarrassed he has to be naked at all even for that appropriate time period of a nanosecond. Poor kid. I feel for him.

I ask you, are these people exhibitionists? If they are, is this their first attempts at such bravery? If so, please direct yourselves to a nudist colony where other like-minded individuals welcome you with their (naked) open arms. I mean seriously folks, what's with the complete lack of self-awareness? They behave like toddlers. Have you ever seen a naked toddler (usually fresh from a bath. The parent is chasing them to get them dressed).  They're hilarious. They poke their belly buttons and their tiny penises and run around free as the wind. THEY'RE CUTE. THEY'RE CHILDREN. When elderly people behave this way, it's NOT cute.

Have you ever seen a surfer change clothes after surfing? (I have, and I'm not ashamed to admit it). The very hot surfer boy stands by his car, door open, and peels off his wetsuit down to his waist. Then he wraps a large towel around his waist, and proceeds to pull his wetsuit off from underneath his towel. He then puts his jeans/board shorts on from UNDER the towel. Only after he's completely dressed does he flip off the towel. Voila!!! And these cute surfer boys do this in seconds. I should know--- I married a cute surfer boy and it's rare you get a glimpse of anything other than clothing and naked legs. (sorry, what can I say?) These elderly nudists need to take a hint from these surfer boys. Do it, and do it quickly, and hide as much skin as you can. (Well, the surfer boys can show some more. On behalf of libidinous women everywhere, we wouldn't mind).

As a fitness fanatic myself, I'm proud of these women (and men) for going to the gym to get in shape, to be healthier. All I'm asking is, well, begging actually, have a little modesty people! Locker rooms are not nudist camps. There is an unwritten code of conduct (maybe we should write it down and post it??) that you should refrain from all behaviors of personal nature while in common areas. Unlike the guys, we women get shower and bathroom doors. There is no need for personal "wiping" in front of the TV ladies. I wish I could say this woman is the exception, but she was really the straw that broke this gym rat's back. EWWWWWWW!!!! Enough!!

If modesty won't prevail, maybe there's a way to encourage these people to shower at home. Good looking people (and their good-looking bodies) get small towels. Average looking people (I would assume I fall into this category......) get average sized towels, and unattrractive types get the biggest towels. Maybe they'll get the hint.