The cool thing about getting older is truly the wisdom that comes with having had so many life experiences. It is totally true that I am wiser now than ever. And I am really liking myself so much more now than ever. Have you ever had a moment where you kind think to yourself, "I like me"? And REALLY mean it??? I've had that happen to me this week, honestly, for the first time ever in my life that I can remember.
I see my twenty-something friends struggling both financially and emotionally. Your twenties can be such a hard time--finding your way in the world; planning who you're going to be for the rest of your life and all the pressures that come with it. Younger people feel like time is their enemy and they have to do it NOW or never. And it's funny, cuz whenever I see some old geezer driving five miles an hour under the speed limit I think, "you'd think he'd go a little faster cuz his days are numbered" and when I see some young woman stressed out behind the wheel clearly speeding I think, "What's her rush?"
I have come to understand so much about life, and a lot of this understanding comes from experiencing adversity and overcoming it. That's where maturity begins. I am so impressed with my twenty-something friends--most of them are in school trying to better themselves and set up a good financial future and working full-time. Some have kids already, and yet still independent. Some still live at home with parents, but struggling to get out of their situation. I see the optimism and energy they have and it's so fun to be around them. I think they are amazing people.
I have noticed that something interesting happens to many, many people as they leave their twenties and move into their thirties. I think being in your thirties has got to be the toughest age so far. My thrity-something friends lament to me about still not being married, or rich, still stuck in a dead-end job, and wanting so much more for themselves but somehow not understanding why they don't have everything they say the desire so badly. For my married friends in their thirties, I see them struggle to "have it all"--trying to be mommy and wifey and employee and still stay thin and sexy and eat right and exercise and keep a clean house. Societies' standards for women, AND for men, ruin people and ruin relationships.
We can thank the media for screaming at us everywhere we turn. We are inundated with direct and subliminal messages that we are less than constantly. I used to think that just muting the commercials on TV was enough, but now we've got Facebook ads and pop-up ads for diet this and diet that and you can't even Google a single thing without ads prompting you to "buy this and have better skin" or "eat this not that." It's EVERYWHERE. And no matter how hard you try to eliminate the chatter from your life, it's there. Unless you unplug yourself completely and go live in a cave somewhere.
I've gotten a lot of my current wisdom courtesy of a book by an amazing man named Augusten Burroughs. It's called, "This is How--Surviving what you think you can't." It's a collection of short, personal essays (like the kind you're reading right now) about everything from losing weight to suicide. I've read it backwards and forwards and I've bought copies for two important people in my life.
And their completely different reactions to it spoke volumes to me.
The girlfriend I gave the book to had a very similar reaction to mine--lots of "aha" (also known as "lightbulb) moments. My brother?? His was, "yeah, mostly common sense."
I think that change comes when we have those lightbulb moments of clarity. You know what they are, and how they feel. The thing is, we don't always listen to them. Sometimes they annoy us and make us feel things we don't want to feel. And we have to be receptive to really hearing it.
I love my brother dearly. We have grown close thanks to texting. He lives in California with my parents and he's had a rough life. BUT I see that a lot of it comes from his choices. And I realized something he said was so interesting. His car is 20 years old, and he was lamenting that he had to take it in again and would probably cost around $1000 he didn't have to fix it. I told him, 'maybe it's time to not waste that thousand dollars and save it to buy something newer." I told him, "maybe ride your bike or get a ride from Dad and in six months you can buy something newer. " But here's what upset him--I told him, 'Don't wait for a crisis, when you're stuck by the side of the road somewhere. It's not like you can't see the demise of this car coming. It's astounding it still runs at all!" He responded by saying something to me as if I didn't understand. That it's "not easy."
I felt bad for him and didn't know what else to say, but those last two words ate at me as I thought about what Augusten Burroughs says in his book about willpower and comfort. He basically says that we don't do the things we ought to do to help ourselves because we can't stand the feeling of discomfort. Isn't it true?? We don't like to be uncomfortable and those around us don't like us making THEM feel uncomfortable either, therefore, we don't change and we don't get better.
I'll use myself as an example.
I gave up red meat over a year and a half ago. It was a spiritual decision for me that just came to me one day. It was not easy for those around me to accept. It wasn't like I'd grown a third arm or anything but you'd think I had. It WAS weird for me too. Suddenly, this 4-day a week red-meat eater wouldn't touch a hamburger or a juicy steak cooked just-the-way-I-like-it-on-the-grill. I became an inconvenience and an annoyance, even to myself. If my husband chose to cook steaks, he had to go out of his way to first buy me something else I'd eat and then cook it separately. And while my family had no choice but to get used to this new non-red-meat-eating mommy and wife, for me, it was just about the easiest thing I'd ever done.
Because it was something I WANTED.
I have never for a second complained that I can't eat my favorite soup anymore because it's made with beef broth (french onion) and I actually will ask if the pepperoni on the pizza is pork or not. I don't apologize, and I don't feel bad about it, and I don't lament "poor me". I never have. Because I know that no one is stopping me from eating red meat products--not my doctor (it's not a health issue) or my religion (I don't have one). It is now who I am. I am someone who doesn't eat red meat. The same as someone who doesn't eat octopus either--I don't like it. So what's the big deal? If every fast food restaurant served octopus burgers (maybe that's what's REALLY in those Spongebob crabby patties!!) it would be a big deal. Because people have a group mentality that red-meat burgers are American and society accepts this and supports and encourages this. If I lived in a Hindi country like Nepal, I wouldn't be the odd-man out, I'd be just as common as everyone else.
I'm happy to say that now my family is nonplussed about the whole thing. It's a non-issue. And I'm so proud my family is proud of me. My husband made my heart flutter last weekend when we were at a wine festival that seemed to serve nothing but red meat and carbs--he was worried about me because we were drinking wine and I couldn't find anything to eat. He took me by the hand and said, "C'mon honey, let's go find you something", and he was on a mission to take care of me. I was filled with gratitude and love for this gesture. Not, "You've gotta stop with this silly diet. There's plenty of food here." He didn't make fun of me; he embraced the changes I'd made and honored them.
We need to be conscious of, "who is society anyway?? It depends on where you live. Who hasn't seen the picture of the plus-size mannequins in stores in Sweden? (or is it the Netherlands?) I can't remember, but the point is--it's so unusual it the picture spread like wildfire on the Internet. Seeing it made me uncomfortable, because it reminded me how painful it is to be a girl living in a society that drums into everyone heads that being thin is the most important thing a woman can be. I wanted to move to that country when I saw that picture and I know every American woman felt the same way: understood.
How often do we sabotage our loved ones with our own discomfort?? When was the last time you made a snide remark when we heard someone say, "Not for me, I'm trying to lose weight" or "Just iced tea, I'm trying not to drink so much." We say things like, "Oh come one, what will one hurt?" or something like that. How dare we tromp on someone else's efforts to better themselves? We do it because when the people around us change, it makes US uncomfortable. If they can decline dessert or a third martini and we don't want to, we put THEM down so we don't have to feel bad about the fact that we can't, or don't want to say no ourselves. Our weaknesses are triggered. We aren't sure we really want to say no, or change, but somehow, something in us is triggered when we are confronted with a major change in someone else.
This is so interesting to me. I have become so aware of this lately. My husband told me about a guy he works with who's lost 60 pounds. He has become completely different. He told me, "He's just not really fun to be around anymore. He used to be the fun guy. Now he's so serious." And when he told his co-worker this jokingly, the co-worker agreed. He knows he's different, he knows he's not so much fun anymore, but his health was more important. His definition of "fun" has changed. Fun for him means fitting into clothes he feels good in and not worrying about dropping dead of a heart attack anymore.
When we know what we want, we go and get it. It's not a matter of "easy".
It's not a matter of willpower, Augusten Burroughs says, and he's right. He says, "If willpower is required to achieve this goal, that's how you know you don't want it enough on a deep, organic level...willpower is like holding your breath: you can only do it for so long." So true.
Think about the last time you made a significant change in yourself or your life. How about an insignificant change, like driving a different way to work? How about abiding by the speed limit signs for a change? How about reading at bedtime instead of watching TV? How about not checking your phone every 5 seconds and really listening to your spouse, kids, or friends? These are truly "easy" things to do but yes, you will likely feel discomfort. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do them. Augusten thinks that the more uncomfortable you make yourself, the closer you will get to achieving your goals. And sometimes, the discomfort is not your own--it's dealing with everyone ELSE'S discomfort.
Just food for thought folks.
Me
Me
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Moving Day
A few hours ago I gave my power-lifter son a great big hug, told him I loved him through burgeoning tears, and left him standing in his new dorm room with his new roommate. I made his little sister take our picture, and then it was Dad's turn for a hug and a pic, then little sister wanted one too. Ian obliged, uncomfortable and slightly annoyed, but I can see his dimpled smile in every single picture we took.
A few hours before this moment, we were at home, loading up our car with about eight Office Max boxes filled with all his clothes, textbooks and school supplies, toiletries, snacks, his electric guitar and amp (small one), his dart board, a small refrigerator, a cork board, a fold-up table, new sheets and pillow cases, new towels and throw pillows, and much more. He said goodbye to our pets--three cats and a dog, telling each he would miss them and gave them a pat on the head.
The hour prior to that he went to see his girlfriend of two years and say goodbye. I can only imagine how that went. She has another year of high school, and I think she probably has cried more than I have. Poor thing.
The day before, my husband and I ran around with his college dorm checklist, marking off much-needed supplies like a mini-tool kit, first aid kit, a fan, lightbulbs, snacks, area-rug, utensils, etc. He came home and showed us what he got--a disco ball and strobe light. Someone's focusing on fun. I laughed so hard.
The night before he spent with her doing fun things; they went to eat, went bowling, and came back here and watched TV, their favorite show "Fringe". Except for the fact that we knew he was going to be leaving for college in less than 24 hours, it was an uneventful day like so many summer days we've had. The night before that, it was his "last dinner at home" (I made my "famous" orange chicken: it takes 3 hours to cook and 10 minutes to devour); his "last lunch at home", that sort of countdown that was shadowed by sadness.
We've known this day was coming for like, oh, the last 18 years?! From the moment you know you are pregnant, everyone talks about "saving for college" and honestly, until it is right upon you, it as as abstract as the actual baby you will be holding after it's born. You can't really imagine it; you think you can, but you know that you really can't prepare for it. You know that when it happens, you will be okay though. There are books, there are classes, but there's nothing that REALLY prepares you for parenthood OR sending your ex-baby who's now taller than you and weighs more than you to college.
I kept hearing from the parents of adult kids all summer, "By the time it's time for him to go, you will be SO ready for him to go." I started to understand what these people meant. All summer it was his job, his girlfriend, and the gym. It was like a ferris wheel that never stopped. Coming home past 1:00 am; and the considerate texts that let me know he was "on his way" home still worried me and kept me awake. Sooner or later, fall had to arrive, and summer had to end. There's so much more for him out there in this big world than a minimum-wage job and hanging out with his friends.
Between graduating middle school Valedictorian, having taken college classes since age 16, graduating high school this past June with high honors (GPA 3.7) and all his AP classes/tests and outstanding ACT score, this kid is destined for so much more. He could've gotten into just about any college he chose; and he chose UW-Madison. He easily got in.
When the tears come, I remember the alternative: a teenager with no ambition who won't hold a job and smokes pot all day. That's where my mind goes. I am SO relieved he turned out so well. I'd like to pat myself and my husband on the proverbial back, but honestly? Ian gets all the credit. HE'S the one who worked his ass off to get where he is. I didn't do it! His dad didn't do it! HE did. He cared enough to succeed.
It's our job as parents to give our kids a great start. I hope that Ian always knows just how very loved he is; that no matter what, we are always here for him. Kids worry so much about "measuring up" and "avoiding failure", but the truth is, a good parent really doesn't have many pre-conceived notions about whom he should become. The only thing that we really worry about is drinking and drugs. I don't care what he major is. I don't care if he drops pre-med and goes into engineering. I don't have a pre-conceived idea of who my son should be. All we want it for him to live up to his POTENTIAL. A kid who's doing Calc 3 at age 16 is destined for more than a minimum wage job is my point. I don't need him to be a doctor for me, so that I can brag about him. I'm already bragging about him, because of his CHARACTER. He is the most honest kid I've ever known (next to his baby sister), and seeing him with girlfriend, he is the most loving, honest and attentive boyfriend a girl could ask for. He's a one-woman man, and is devoted to her.
As he enters his college days, of course we hope that he will open his mind to the possibility of having other relationships. As a middle-aged person, I have insight into what a 20-year marriage is really like. From our own wedding back in 1993, we've realized that more than half of the couples there that day have divorced. I told him one day this summer, "How would you know she's THEE person for you to spend the rest of your life with if you've never dated anyone else?" Of course, there are those couples out there that have met in high school (or earlier) and have truly been perfect for one another. I tell him, "You don't want to end up at 40 with a mortgage and kids and look at her and wonder what else is out there?" College is the time to do that. Not at 40.
I look back at my own college days, and they were so vastly different from Ian's. I went to a commuter school; I didn't leave home till I was 22. I regret not having realized I could've moved out and gone somewhere else. My parents didn't encourage me; I didn't have the resources to know I could've reached higher. I'm certain that's why giving Ian all the choices and opportunities is so important to me. I want him to have what I didn't. Isn't that what every parent wants?
And I know that our youngest, who just started high school today, will have an even more emotional mom as she trots off to her new college life. The young women of her generation are absolutely the luckiest generation of women ever to exist. She is unaware of gender discrimination and something we called, "the glass ceiling". Women of her generation are growing up feeling not just equal to their male peers but somewhat superior to them. There are more females vs. males attending college than ever before, and women have society's approval to "have it all." No longer does anyone look down their noses at women who maintain careers and having children. In ten years, after my daughter's graduated college and possibly getting married and having kids, her generation will have probably not only figured out how to REALLY "have it all" but feel good about herself in the process. I pray for the day when women stop feeling guilty about themselves and their choices, and the media stops making women feel that a flat stomach is really the end-all and be-all of importance.
It's so easy to be envious of my children as they go off into the big, wide world. The world is such a different place now. I know, I know, every parent says that. And every generation that is true. When we went for our son's 2-day college registration and tour, I was more excited than he was! I was ready to blink myself back to age 18 and enroll. There is SO much I want to do now that I either didn't have the resources available to me to pursue them or the courage to try. Now I have both. I am considering going back for my master's, or trying something completely different. Just because I can.
I am so excited for Ian. He truly has the world at his fingertips. In his three years of high school here in Wisconsin, he has seen friends drop out of college and pursue music; he's had friends go off to other states for college, and he's had friends die in a car accident due to drinking. He's well-aware that it's up to him to decide if he even wants to have a future or not. And what kind of future that might be?
We discussed one night what it might really be like to become a doctor. He has expressed interest in being a cardiologist. He thought out loud about the extra years of school; interning, and getting established. He said, "If I want a marriage and kids, I can't really become a cardiologist because I'd never see them." I admire the way he's processing his choices clearly; knowing himself well and what kind of life he wants after college.
Since we moved here, he has been around many kids with millionaire parents. We unwittingly moved to a very nice area where it's not unusual for his friends to jet off to Costa Rica, Punta Cana, and other exotic places "every spring break." We stay home and get extra sleep.
Ian has worked the last two years at Qdoba, a yummy Mexican restaurant that is like a Subway but Mexican food. He's got a great work ethic--always on time, never called in sick, worked for others when they asked him. He knows that if he doesn't succeed in college, it will be Qdoba metaphorically for the rest of his life. He wants more for himself than a minimum-waged job, and with that kids' smarts, he can reach for higher. As parents, our job is to transfer that belief in our kid, to our kids believing in themselves. If they don't think they can do it, they won't try. It doesn't matter if we know they can do it; they need to believe that if they try, they can succeed.
We remind him that who he hangs out with will determine which path he takes. And one thing I'm SO excited about is his college. At registration, they explained their emphasis on philanthropy. I have met some amazing students every single time we've been there. There is so much social support for the students; they go the extra effort to make sure they are paid attention to. It's not a matter of, "that's your kid, why should WE worry about them?" but rather, "While they're students here, we will parent them for you as much as possible." And I swear, they have. There is a student center if he gets sick. Everything's covered with the cost of tuition. There are student leaders in the dorms that we met yesterday that were friendly and attentive, and they continue to look out for our kid (and yours) every day. They were riding up and down in the elevators, seeing to it that our needs were met--that we knew where his room was and did we need any help carrying anything? The social support is tremendous. I felt like hugging every single red-T-shirted student leader I saw.
I'm so relieved Ian doesn't have his car. Freshmen aren't allowed cars. He lives in a dorm with another really great kid we got to meet (and his mom) and I'm sure they'll lean on each other as they both find their way. It made my heart bounce when Ian leaned into another dorm room on the way to his and said hello to another student he recognized from his high school! And guess what--this kid had a disco ball too! He and his roommate had everything all set up and it looked like they were having a blast. I SO wanted to be 18 again and do it all differently. I knew at that moment, Ian's going to be just fine.
We know kids always worry that no one will like them; that they'll have to eat lunch alone and that they're unlikeable. Of course we know our Ian won't have that problem, who wouldn't like him?? But that's something that even as grown-ups we worry about when we start a new job. Who will eat lunch with us? Will anybody like me? He told me he wasn't worried about academics. He knows he'll do well in his classes; it's "fitting in" he worries about. Of course we reassure him; it's just a matter of getting rid of us, the parents, and letting him find his way.
We giggle that he's never had to share a room with anyone. Now he's sleeping in a bunkbed that's more like a prison cot. I know he will miss so many things about home; and when he does make the trip home I will get to spoil him again. Being a good a parent means giving your kids the tools they need to succeed beyond your grasp. It is so hard letting go, but like I said earlier, it sure beats the alternative, a grown child still living at home past the teen years. We really need to let them find themselves out of our line of sight. There comes a time when we really don't need to know everything they think and do.
I think that it starts when they're very young. You see these parents who are afraid to let their kids spend the night at friends' houses or try certain sports. They are overprotective and honestly, the message they're sending their kids is that the world is a scary place. They send messages to their kids that they can't trust themselves to make the right choices and overprotecting, in my opinion, just leads to kids feeling bad about themselves. It's so hard being a parent; keeping them safe and letting them explore their world at the same time.
No parent is perfect, and all our choices must come from love and honesty. When I stumble, and I do often, I'm the parent that says, "I'm sorry." We can't pretend we know everything just because we're older and we've "been there." Our kids aren't us. The world they're living in is different than the world we grew up in and we have much to learn from them.
As my former 8-pound-13 ouncer goes out into the big, wide world, I cry tears of joy for eighteen and half years so far being his mom. He's made me a better person just by being himself. I cry for all the fun we had; for being there every single day for him, and I thank God he was born healthy and has made it this far given he's got an emotional nut for a mom. I cry tears of worry since I can't control things anymore, and all I can do is pray God keeps him safe and he makes good choices. I see my big, powerlifter son with his enormous biceps and piercing blue eyes, and just love him with all my heart. That's what I'm good at.
And so now our daughter is a stunning almost 14-year-old, and entering high school. I have four years of doting on her and preparing her for that moment when it will be HER packing for college. Helping her brother move into his dorm yesterday will leave an indelible mark on her psyche for when it will be her turn. She got to see that he will be all right; that he can be happy and sad at the same time. She got to see her parents cry and be happy for him, and see us let go and trust. I think she knows that we have communicated our belief in him by giving him the space and opportunity to find his passion and not dictate it for him. He's made all the right choices up to this point; we've just guided him and gave him the financial backing.
Ah, the empty nest. It's not empty yet, but his room is nearly empty, since he took most of it with him. It's painful to see, and I think I'll be avoiding the downstairs basement because of it. But he's only an hour away and I thank God that he chose a college so close. I can't even imagine if he had stayed with his original choice, UCLA. I'm so glad he's so close. Close enough if he needs me, and far enough away to find himself.
But you just know that there are more orange chicken dinners coming for those weekends he comes home with his stack of laundry.
I can't wait!!!!
A few hours before this moment, we were at home, loading up our car with about eight Office Max boxes filled with all his clothes, textbooks and school supplies, toiletries, snacks, his electric guitar and amp (small one), his dart board, a small refrigerator, a cork board, a fold-up table, new sheets and pillow cases, new towels and throw pillows, and much more. He said goodbye to our pets--three cats and a dog, telling each he would miss them and gave them a pat on the head.
The hour prior to that he went to see his girlfriend of two years and say goodbye. I can only imagine how that went. She has another year of high school, and I think she probably has cried more than I have. Poor thing.
The day before, my husband and I ran around with his college dorm checklist, marking off much-needed supplies like a mini-tool kit, first aid kit, a fan, lightbulbs, snacks, area-rug, utensils, etc. He came home and showed us what he got--a disco ball and strobe light. Someone's focusing on fun. I laughed so hard.
The night before he spent with her doing fun things; they went to eat, went bowling, and came back here and watched TV, their favorite show "Fringe". Except for the fact that we knew he was going to be leaving for college in less than 24 hours, it was an uneventful day like so many summer days we've had. The night before that, it was his "last dinner at home" (I made my "famous" orange chicken: it takes 3 hours to cook and 10 minutes to devour); his "last lunch at home", that sort of countdown that was shadowed by sadness.
We've known this day was coming for like, oh, the last 18 years?! From the moment you know you are pregnant, everyone talks about "saving for college" and honestly, until it is right upon you, it as as abstract as the actual baby you will be holding after it's born. You can't really imagine it; you think you can, but you know that you really can't prepare for it. You know that when it happens, you will be okay though. There are books, there are classes, but there's nothing that REALLY prepares you for parenthood OR sending your ex-baby who's now taller than you and weighs more than you to college.
I kept hearing from the parents of adult kids all summer, "By the time it's time for him to go, you will be SO ready for him to go." I started to understand what these people meant. All summer it was his job, his girlfriend, and the gym. It was like a ferris wheel that never stopped. Coming home past 1:00 am; and the considerate texts that let me know he was "on his way" home still worried me and kept me awake. Sooner or later, fall had to arrive, and summer had to end. There's so much more for him out there in this big world than a minimum-wage job and hanging out with his friends.
Between graduating middle school Valedictorian, having taken college classes since age 16, graduating high school this past June with high honors (GPA 3.7) and all his AP classes/tests and outstanding ACT score, this kid is destined for so much more. He could've gotten into just about any college he chose; and he chose UW-Madison. He easily got in.
When the tears come, I remember the alternative: a teenager with no ambition who won't hold a job and smokes pot all day. That's where my mind goes. I am SO relieved he turned out so well. I'd like to pat myself and my husband on the proverbial back, but honestly? Ian gets all the credit. HE'S the one who worked his ass off to get where he is. I didn't do it! His dad didn't do it! HE did. He cared enough to succeed.
It's our job as parents to give our kids a great start. I hope that Ian always knows just how very loved he is; that no matter what, we are always here for him. Kids worry so much about "measuring up" and "avoiding failure", but the truth is, a good parent really doesn't have many pre-conceived notions about whom he should become. The only thing that we really worry about is drinking and drugs. I don't care what he major is. I don't care if he drops pre-med and goes into engineering. I don't have a pre-conceived idea of who my son should be. All we want it for him to live up to his POTENTIAL. A kid who's doing Calc 3 at age 16 is destined for more than a minimum wage job is my point. I don't need him to be a doctor for me, so that I can brag about him. I'm already bragging about him, because of his CHARACTER. He is the most honest kid I've ever known (next to his baby sister), and seeing him with girlfriend, he is the most loving, honest and attentive boyfriend a girl could ask for. He's a one-woman man, and is devoted to her.
As he enters his college days, of course we hope that he will open his mind to the possibility of having other relationships. As a middle-aged person, I have insight into what a 20-year marriage is really like. From our own wedding back in 1993, we've realized that more than half of the couples there that day have divorced. I told him one day this summer, "How would you know she's THEE person for you to spend the rest of your life with if you've never dated anyone else?" Of course, there are those couples out there that have met in high school (or earlier) and have truly been perfect for one another. I tell him, "You don't want to end up at 40 with a mortgage and kids and look at her and wonder what else is out there?" College is the time to do that. Not at 40.
I look back at my own college days, and they were so vastly different from Ian's. I went to a commuter school; I didn't leave home till I was 22. I regret not having realized I could've moved out and gone somewhere else. My parents didn't encourage me; I didn't have the resources to know I could've reached higher. I'm certain that's why giving Ian all the choices and opportunities is so important to me. I want him to have what I didn't. Isn't that what every parent wants?
And I know that our youngest, who just started high school today, will have an even more emotional mom as she trots off to her new college life. The young women of her generation are absolutely the luckiest generation of women ever to exist. She is unaware of gender discrimination and something we called, "the glass ceiling". Women of her generation are growing up feeling not just equal to their male peers but somewhat superior to them. There are more females vs. males attending college than ever before, and women have society's approval to "have it all." No longer does anyone look down their noses at women who maintain careers and having children. In ten years, after my daughter's graduated college and possibly getting married and having kids, her generation will have probably not only figured out how to REALLY "have it all" but feel good about herself in the process. I pray for the day when women stop feeling guilty about themselves and their choices, and the media stops making women feel that a flat stomach is really the end-all and be-all of importance.
It's so easy to be envious of my children as they go off into the big, wide world. The world is such a different place now. I know, I know, every parent says that. And every generation that is true. When we went for our son's 2-day college registration and tour, I was more excited than he was! I was ready to blink myself back to age 18 and enroll. There is SO much I want to do now that I either didn't have the resources available to me to pursue them or the courage to try. Now I have both. I am considering going back for my master's, or trying something completely different. Just because I can.
I am so excited for Ian. He truly has the world at his fingertips. In his three years of high school here in Wisconsin, he has seen friends drop out of college and pursue music; he's had friends go off to other states for college, and he's had friends die in a car accident due to drinking. He's well-aware that it's up to him to decide if he even wants to have a future or not. And what kind of future that might be?
We discussed one night what it might really be like to become a doctor. He has expressed interest in being a cardiologist. He thought out loud about the extra years of school; interning, and getting established. He said, "If I want a marriage and kids, I can't really become a cardiologist because I'd never see them." I admire the way he's processing his choices clearly; knowing himself well and what kind of life he wants after college.
Since we moved here, he has been around many kids with millionaire parents. We unwittingly moved to a very nice area where it's not unusual for his friends to jet off to Costa Rica, Punta Cana, and other exotic places "every spring break." We stay home and get extra sleep.
Ian has worked the last two years at Qdoba, a yummy Mexican restaurant that is like a Subway but Mexican food. He's got a great work ethic--always on time, never called in sick, worked for others when they asked him. He knows that if he doesn't succeed in college, it will be Qdoba metaphorically for the rest of his life. He wants more for himself than a minimum-waged job, and with that kids' smarts, he can reach for higher. As parents, our job is to transfer that belief in our kid, to our kids believing in themselves. If they don't think they can do it, they won't try. It doesn't matter if we know they can do it; they need to believe that if they try, they can succeed.
We remind him that who he hangs out with will determine which path he takes. And one thing I'm SO excited about is his college. At registration, they explained their emphasis on philanthropy. I have met some amazing students every single time we've been there. There is so much social support for the students; they go the extra effort to make sure they are paid attention to. It's not a matter of, "that's your kid, why should WE worry about them?" but rather, "While they're students here, we will parent them for you as much as possible." And I swear, they have. There is a student center if he gets sick. Everything's covered with the cost of tuition. There are student leaders in the dorms that we met yesterday that were friendly and attentive, and they continue to look out for our kid (and yours) every day. They were riding up and down in the elevators, seeing to it that our needs were met--that we knew where his room was and did we need any help carrying anything? The social support is tremendous. I felt like hugging every single red-T-shirted student leader I saw.
I'm so relieved Ian doesn't have his car. Freshmen aren't allowed cars. He lives in a dorm with another really great kid we got to meet (and his mom) and I'm sure they'll lean on each other as they both find their way. It made my heart bounce when Ian leaned into another dorm room on the way to his and said hello to another student he recognized from his high school! And guess what--this kid had a disco ball too! He and his roommate had everything all set up and it looked like they were having a blast. I SO wanted to be 18 again and do it all differently. I knew at that moment, Ian's going to be just fine.
We know kids always worry that no one will like them; that they'll have to eat lunch alone and that they're unlikeable. Of course we know our Ian won't have that problem, who wouldn't like him?? But that's something that even as grown-ups we worry about when we start a new job. Who will eat lunch with us? Will anybody like me? He told me he wasn't worried about academics. He knows he'll do well in his classes; it's "fitting in" he worries about. Of course we reassure him; it's just a matter of getting rid of us, the parents, and letting him find his way.
We giggle that he's never had to share a room with anyone. Now he's sleeping in a bunkbed that's more like a prison cot. I know he will miss so many things about home; and when he does make the trip home I will get to spoil him again. Being a good a parent means giving your kids the tools they need to succeed beyond your grasp. It is so hard letting go, but like I said earlier, it sure beats the alternative, a grown child still living at home past the teen years. We really need to let them find themselves out of our line of sight. There comes a time when we really don't need to know everything they think and do.
I think that it starts when they're very young. You see these parents who are afraid to let their kids spend the night at friends' houses or try certain sports. They are overprotective and honestly, the message they're sending their kids is that the world is a scary place. They send messages to their kids that they can't trust themselves to make the right choices and overprotecting, in my opinion, just leads to kids feeling bad about themselves. It's so hard being a parent; keeping them safe and letting them explore their world at the same time.
No parent is perfect, and all our choices must come from love and honesty. When I stumble, and I do often, I'm the parent that says, "I'm sorry." We can't pretend we know everything just because we're older and we've "been there." Our kids aren't us. The world they're living in is different than the world we grew up in and we have much to learn from them.
As my former 8-pound-13 ouncer goes out into the big, wide world, I cry tears of joy for eighteen and half years so far being his mom. He's made me a better person just by being himself. I cry for all the fun we had; for being there every single day for him, and I thank God he was born healthy and has made it this far given he's got an emotional nut for a mom. I cry tears of worry since I can't control things anymore, and all I can do is pray God keeps him safe and he makes good choices. I see my big, powerlifter son with his enormous biceps and piercing blue eyes, and just love him with all my heart. That's what I'm good at.
And so now our daughter is a stunning almost 14-year-old, and entering high school. I have four years of doting on her and preparing her for that moment when it will be HER packing for college. Helping her brother move into his dorm yesterday will leave an indelible mark on her psyche for when it will be her turn. She got to see that he will be all right; that he can be happy and sad at the same time. She got to see her parents cry and be happy for him, and see us let go and trust. I think she knows that we have communicated our belief in him by giving him the space and opportunity to find his passion and not dictate it for him. He's made all the right choices up to this point; we've just guided him and gave him the financial backing.
Ah, the empty nest. It's not empty yet, but his room is nearly empty, since he took most of it with him. It's painful to see, and I think I'll be avoiding the downstairs basement because of it. But he's only an hour away and I thank God that he chose a college so close. I can't even imagine if he had stayed with his original choice, UCLA. I'm so glad he's so close. Close enough if he needs me, and far enough away to find himself.
But you just know that there are more orange chicken dinners coming for those weekends he comes home with his stack of laundry.
I can't wait!!!!
Friday, November 2, 2012
Why I'm a swing voter
I consider myself to be a "swing" voter. I have become very curious about my status as such lately with the candidates yelling at people like me at this eleventh hour to vote for them. I became even more curious at how I got to be this way and decided to do a little introspection and research.
The first president I voted for when I turned 18 was Ronald Reagan. Not caring much for politics and being the kind of daughter who liked to please her parents, I registered myself as a Republican. I admired my folks and thought they made sense when they talked about Republican policies, so I went along. I veered from my parents' political leanings soon after and registered myself as a Green. I was in my twenties, very environmentally conscious before it was trendy, and I liked being of my own mind. Then came the election of George Bush #1 vs. Michael Dukakis, and I hate to admit it, but that election I chose the older Republican dude because I just had this icky feeling about Dukakis. And I really felt icky whenever I saw Bentsen speak. I was a Green who voted Republican.
By 1992, I was thirty-one years old and newly married. My husband was a Republican, so naturally I was influenced by his political views and since I really admire the man, I re-registered as a Republican. But the independent thinker in me didn't go away. I did not like Bush #1 and I liked Clinton/Gore even less. A big-nosed Texas loud-mouth named Ross Perot seemed to be speaking my language. I liked everything he said, even if he was icky to look at. I jumped on the Ross Perot bandwagon and voted for him. I know in my heart of hearts he'd have won if he'd chosen a less idiotic running mate (have you seen the SNL parodies of him and Perot? They are hilarious!) Perot got so many votes that many have said that he cost the Republicans the election, as they were votes that should've gone to Bush.
In 2000, I voted Republican again for Bush #2 because I felt icky about Gore and Leiberman. I didn't like the way Gore talked down to us like we were all first-graders and Leibeman just seemed plain icky and insincere. In 2004, I voted to re-elect Bush because I hated that Kerry's wife was the heir to the Heinz ketchup empire and we all know what kind of a guy John Edwards turned out to be. Call it a gift, but I just knew he was too good to be true.
So then comes 2008 and a black guy with a Muslim name or a white dude I actually liked name John McCain. I was all-set and ready to vote for McCain until he picked a frightening idiot for a running mate, Sarah Palin. I thought, well, international relations are at an all-time low. Maybe a double minority leader would be a good thing? And although I wasn't crazy about Biden, it was the first time I'd ever voted for a Democrat. I have not regretted my vote since.
Now we have the re-election of Mr. Obama and a new very presidential-looking scary dude. They are calling this the closest race since Gore/Bush. Will we have more "hanging chads"? LOL Probably. But I'm digressing. Back to my point about being a swing voter.
I get that we have a two-party system, and to me, it sucks. Why do we have swing voters and why are there so many of us? Wikipedia states that "Swing voters are undecided about how they will vote. They are sometimes referred to as undecideds, undecided voters, or floating voter. They may be dissatisfied Republicans or Democrats who are open to the idea of voting for other parties, or they could be people who have never had a strong affiliation with any political party, and will vote depending on certain things that influence them - e.g. healthcare, benefits, election campaign etc."
Wikipedia also refers to swing voters as "low-information" voters. This is an insult. Ask any swing voter you know and I'll be we are just as informed as anyone else. I would say that for me anyway, being a swing voter is more about being passionate on certain issues as opposed to going-along-to-get-along.
In the meantime, we swing voters are not under-informed voters, we are frustrated voters. We don't identify with either political party and don't feel comfortable being boxed in. For me, I wish there WAS a third party because both the Democrats and the Republicans used to also have something called Moderates. Reagan was a Moderate. Romney reportedly voted Moderate as governor of Massacusetts. What happened to him when he became the Repubican presidential nominee?? He went over the edge. His "people" told him to go for the right-wing Christian slant and he took it and ran and honestly, it's working for him and it scares the hell out of me.
Bi-partisiasnhip has gone the way of the eight-track tape. Gone and never to be seen again. Each side is so damned polarized; it's about being right and not about what's best overall for Americans. If we get a Republican president and a Democratic congress, you can bet nothing will get accomplished, and vice-versa. If the candidate voted Moderate as governor, the opposition will use that against him in the debates. Since when is being Moderate considered a bad thing? The staunchness of the Republican party has swayed me over to the other side, but I'm not completely happy with the Dems either. I'm anti-union and anti-big government.
The sheer number of swing voters tells me, and it should tell everyone, that we are a disenfranchised lot. We are unhappy with the two-party system as it has evolved into parties of extremism.
Romney can yell all he wants to me as he stops here in Milwaukee this week about the economy, but I'm not listening. He wants to keep women pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen and take away our rights to our own bodies. Nothing, not the economy or foreign policy or the environment is as vital to my belief system as being owner of my own body. How dare any man, woman, or government force any woman to remain pregnant and carry a baby she doesn't want for 9 months, whether it was within the scope of a rape or not. How would this be enforced anyway? He doesn't want to pay for her health care to keep the pregnancy but he would not allow her to decide for herself how to live her life? Her baby has more rights than she does?? I will never agree.
I also believe very very strongly that gays should be allowed to marry and have the same rights as heterosexual couples. The anti-human rights policies of the "new" Republican party scares the bejesus out of me. When did Republicans get to be so hateful?
Maybe I should change my political party to Independent, or Libertarian, or go back to being a Green. I am seriously considering it. Until then, this Republican is ashamed of my own party and once again voting Democrat. Maybe, just maybe, next election will have a Republican Moderate who won't be ashamed to be Moderate.
Happy voting!
The first president I voted for when I turned 18 was Ronald Reagan. Not caring much for politics and being the kind of daughter who liked to please her parents, I registered myself as a Republican. I admired my folks and thought they made sense when they talked about Republican policies, so I went along. I veered from my parents' political leanings soon after and registered myself as a Green. I was in my twenties, very environmentally conscious before it was trendy, and I liked being of my own mind. Then came the election of George Bush #1 vs. Michael Dukakis, and I hate to admit it, but that election I chose the older Republican dude because I just had this icky feeling about Dukakis. And I really felt icky whenever I saw Bentsen speak. I was a Green who voted Republican.
By 1992, I was thirty-one years old and newly married. My husband was a Republican, so naturally I was influenced by his political views and since I really admire the man, I re-registered as a Republican. But the independent thinker in me didn't go away. I did not like Bush #1 and I liked Clinton/Gore even less. A big-nosed Texas loud-mouth named Ross Perot seemed to be speaking my language. I liked everything he said, even if he was icky to look at. I jumped on the Ross Perot bandwagon and voted for him. I know in my heart of hearts he'd have won if he'd chosen a less idiotic running mate (have you seen the SNL parodies of him and Perot? They are hilarious!) Perot got so many votes that many have said that he cost the Republicans the election, as they were votes that should've gone to Bush.
In 2000, I voted Republican again for Bush #2 because I felt icky about Gore and Leiberman. I didn't like the way Gore talked down to us like we were all first-graders and Leibeman just seemed plain icky and insincere. In 2004, I voted to re-elect Bush because I hated that Kerry's wife was the heir to the Heinz ketchup empire and we all know what kind of a guy John Edwards turned out to be. Call it a gift, but I just knew he was too good to be true.
So then comes 2008 and a black guy with a Muslim name or a white dude I actually liked name John McCain. I was all-set and ready to vote for McCain until he picked a frightening idiot for a running mate, Sarah Palin. I thought, well, international relations are at an all-time low. Maybe a double minority leader would be a good thing? And although I wasn't crazy about Biden, it was the first time I'd ever voted for a Democrat. I have not regretted my vote since.
Now we have the re-election of Mr. Obama and a new very presidential-looking scary dude. They are calling this the closest race since Gore/Bush. Will we have more "hanging chads"? LOL Probably. But I'm digressing. Back to my point about being a swing voter.
I get that we have a two-party system, and to me, it sucks. Why do we have swing voters and why are there so many of us? Wikipedia states that "Swing voters are undecided about how they will vote. They are sometimes referred to as undecideds, undecided voters, or floating voter. They may be dissatisfied Republicans or Democrats who are open to the idea of voting for other parties, or they could be people who have never had a strong affiliation with any political party, and will vote depending on certain things that influence them - e.g. healthcare, benefits, election campaign etc."
Wikipedia also refers to swing voters as "low-information" voters. This is an insult. Ask any swing voter you know and I'll be we are just as informed as anyone else. I would say that for me anyway, being a swing voter is more about being passionate on certain issues as opposed to going-along-to-get-along.
For example, Romney scares the hell out of me because of his staunch right-wing Christian views on abortion and women's rights. When I heard him say he was going to stop all funding to Planned Parenthood and overturn Roe vs. Wade, that did it for me. I became enraged. Since when did the Republican party become the "Christian" party? And for a political party that boasts small government and no-government intrusion, how do they justify the intrusion into a woman's own body for God's sake?? How dare they take away a women's right to choose! Like Prohibition didn't stop people from drinking, the government may outlaw abortions but they'll never stop them. Do they really think it's a good idea to go back to the back-alley abortions of the past? Should women die because they have an unwanted pregnancy? Doesn't the man involved in getting her in that condition have any consequences? No, he doesn't suffer any. She suffers alone. Should she pay for it with her life? That is what will happen again if Romney and his buddy Ryan have their way. His economic policy falls on deaf ears for me.
Let me tell you a little story. When I was in my twenties and in college, working 3 odd-jobs at the same time, I had no health insurance. I went only when I absolutely had to and had to pay for it out of pocket. I also needed birth control because yes, I was having sex. (Big surprise---a woman in her twenties having sex). Planned parenthood was there for me. They treated me with utmost respect. I had my annual Pap and breast exams and a full year of birth control pills for $40. Where else could I get that kind of health care? Can you find anything wrong with this??
Romney has it in for Planned Parenthood because he disagrees with their ideology. Just because they also provide abortions doesn't mean they monsters. They provide low-cost health care to underprivileged women. In his perfect Christian world, women shouldn't be having sex unless they're married, and then they wouldn't need a place like Planned Parenthood. Really??? I was still going to them five years later married and before we started a family. Young and newlywed without health insurance, PP was there for us. In my opinion, any man running for the office of the president who thinks the government should force women to carry their pregnancies to term is one scary dude. And for me, any Republican who feels this way will never get my vote.
Wikipedia also says, and I quote," If a constituency contains a large proportion of swing voters it is often called a marginal seat and extensive campaign resources are poured into it." This is reason enough that something needs to be done about campaign financing, but that's for another blog.
In the meantime, we swing voters are not under-informed voters, we are frustrated voters. We don't identify with either political party and don't feel comfortable being boxed in. For me, I wish there WAS a third party because both the Democrats and the Republicans used to also have something called Moderates. Reagan was a Moderate. Romney reportedly voted Moderate as governor of Massacusetts. What happened to him when he became the Repubican presidential nominee?? He went over the edge. His "people" told him to go for the right-wing Christian slant and he took it and ran and honestly, it's working for him and it scares the hell out of me.
Bi-partisiasnhip has gone the way of the eight-track tape. Gone and never to be seen again. Each side is so damned polarized; it's about being right and not about what's best overall for Americans. If we get a Republican president and a Democratic congress, you can bet nothing will get accomplished, and vice-versa. If the candidate voted Moderate as governor, the opposition will use that against him in the debates. Since when is being Moderate considered a bad thing? The staunchness of the Republican party has swayed me over to the other side, but I'm not completely happy with the Dems either. I'm anti-union and anti-big government.
The sheer number of swing voters tells me, and it should tell everyone, that we are a disenfranchised lot. We are unhappy with the two-party system as it has evolved into parties of extremism.
Romney can yell all he wants to me as he stops here in Milwaukee this week about the economy, but I'm not listening. He wants to keep women pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen and take away our rights to our own bodies. Nothing, not the economy or foreign policy or the environment is as vital to my belief system as being owner of my own body. How dare any man, woman, or government force any woman to remain pregnant and carry a baby she doesn't want for 9 months, whether it was within the scope of a rape or not. How would this be enforced anyway? He doesn't want to pay for her health care to keep the pregnancy but he would not allow her to decide for herself how to live her life? Her baby has more rights than she does?? I will never agree.
I also believe very very strongly that gays should be allowed to marry and have the same rights as heterosexual couples. The anti-human rights policies of the "new" Republican party scares the bejesus out of me. When did Republicans get to be so hateful?
Maybe I should change my political party to Independent, or Libertarian, or go back to being a Green. I am seriously considering it. Until then, this Republican is ashamed of my own party and once again voting Democrat. Maybe, just maybe, next election will have a Republican Moderate who won't be ashamed to be Moderate.
Happy voting!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
But it's a victimless crime!! REALLY??????
The fallout has begun as the city of Kennebunk, Maine has started to reveal the list of names on the "johns" list. This is very interesting reading. I don't know any of these people, and if you're reading this, you probably don't know any of them either. What is most interesting to me are the comments from the common folk who live there and have been questioned by journalists seeking to know, "What do YOU think about releasing the names of the client list?"
"Generally, women who were interviewed here seemed to applaud making the list public with as much information as possible. Men, on the other hand, generally thought that the crime was minor and that releasing the names would only harm the families."
"Generally, women who were interviewed here seemed to applaud making the list public with as much information as possible. Men, on the other hand, generally thought that the crime was minor and that releasing the names would only harm the families."
I give an honorary thump on the head to the following people for their comments:
1. Typical was a discussion in Duffy’s Tavern here on Tuesday afternoon among three friends, all retirees in their 80s who had gone to high school together. Chet Galeucia, who lives in Saco, said he agreed with his wife that the names should be published. “If I committed a crime, they would publish my name and address,” he said.
But Jim Pickett, who lives in Portland, disagreed. “You don’t want to hurt the families,” he said. Asked whether the husband had not already hurt the family, he said: “But the family doesn’t know about it. It’s not the worst crime. It’s not like stealing.”
Besides, he said, going to a prostitute is “natural.” Who is the victim? he asked. “Certainly not the woman. She’s inviting it. She made $150,000 in 18 months.”
2. Two men on the list argued the names shouldn't be made public because doing so would cause "irreparable harm" to their reputations, their families and their businesses, according to court documents. They deserved to be shielded under state victims' rights laws and the state constitution, their attorney argued.
3. Resident Leonid Temkin had mixed feelings about publicizing the names because it could cause marriages to dissolve and men to lose their jobs. "I think it'll cause a lot of hardship," he said.
well, you can look at it this way. If these guys were getting if at home, they wouldn't have to go out and pay for it.
5. bearington
6. RNad67
The reality is that you don't know why some of these men did what they did. Sure, for some it was just the thrill of being with someone new or different, but for others, it could very well be that yes, they are decent, good people, but they happen to be in loveless marriages where their wives no longer show an interest in bedroom activities. The irony is that many of these men DON'T want to leave their wives, but they still have needs. If a discreet encounter with another woman helps accommodate that need and nobody needs to know, is it really that wrong? I say no. ---------
Lauren here. Are you laughing??? Or screaming at the idiocy of these people?? It is truly scary to see what some people actually say out loud. Isn't the whole point of the clients NOT wanting their names published is because they don't want to suffer the consequences of their actions?? I agree it may "dissolve marriages"!! Isn't this the POINT people??? DON'T THE WIVES HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW WHAT THEIR LYING, CHEATING, STD-BRINGING-HOME HUBBIES HAVE BEEN UP TO????
It all comes down to this folks---these men made bad choices, and don't want to have to pay the price. Isn't that what cheaters (men and women) have been doing since the beginning of time?? Isn't that what cheating is??? It is lying and deceiving someone to make them think you have been faithful when you have not.
To say, "so if he gets it from a willing adult female it removes the burden from the spouse who doesn't want to do it anyway" or "he must not be getting it at home" are all examples of excuses cheaters use to justify their behavior. It is downright scary to hear people who haven't been accused of cheating publicly making excuses for complete strangers. I think this reveals their own character and integrity. If you know anyone (oh, for instance, your boyfriend or husband) agrees with any of these excuses, RUN!!!!!!!
And by the way, we don't know how many of the wives already knew about their men (allegedly) visiting Miss Wright (or other prostitutes) but I think we can all assume probably none.
AND NOW---THE COMMENTS I LIKE
1. doodlebug2222
2. retphxfiredoremike
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Protect the "johns"?? I don't think so
I sure wish I lived in Kennebunk, Maine this week as the list of the names of the johns who allegedly sought and paid for sex with a certain 29-year-old Zumba instructor is released. The talk of the morning news today is, "Should those names be released? Think of the damage to the families, the children...." The first time I heard that comment, my reflexes hurried my tushie over to my computer as fast as they could go. You betcha, I got something to say about this.
I can see absolutely NO reason to protect the "alleged" johns. How on earth could any thinking human being think that this would be a good thing? Good for who, besides the "alleged" johns themselves? They have already "allegedly" behaved in not only an illegal manner but an immoral one as well. They have possibly put their wives in danger healthwise. DON'T THESE WIVES HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW WHAT THEIR HUSBANDS HAVE "ALLEGEDLY" BEEN UP TO???? WHY DOES ANYONE THINK THE JOHNS HAVE MORE RIGHTS THAN THE PEOPLE THEY HAVE HURT?? OR, MORE RIGHTS THAN ALEXIS?
Ok, ok, I hear the talking heads saying things like, "well, innocent until proven guilty." Well, doesn't that go for the Zumba instructor as well?? And if you are charged with a crime, be it a DUI, a murder, theft, or soliciting sex from a prostitute, it is public record. Even if you are later proved "not guilty", there is still a public record. So---this is why the talking heads are saying it's "not fair" to publish the names of her little black book (or big brown ledger, or videos as it were) because the public scorn and humiliation of just being accused is too great.
Isn't it though??? (insert smirk)
I ask you, would your name be on that list? Would your husband's name be on that list?? How do we know you did not go and solicit sex from her? Well, we don't know for sure, but if your names are written down in her ledger and there's an accompanying video of the encounter, I'm guessing you guys are guilty. Furthermore, if your husband's name was on her list, you'd rightly assume he's guilty. Why would Miss Wright put his name on her list if he hadn't contacted her? Police have recovered extensive bookkeeping records as well as hundreds of videos of her having sex with these men. Police say they "don't know why she took video of the sexual encounters" but hey, I'm no detective but I'd say maybe it was to prove that these men really did solicit sex from her?? Maybe she was thinking ahead, you know, "covering her ass" as you will? She seems like a smart woman, aside from her poor choice to "allegedly" become a prostitute. Maybe really her only poor choice was to become a prostitute where it is illegal. Maybe she should've moved to Nevada? She could've run her business with her head held high(er) and paid her taxes on the income received.
What if Alexis is ultimately proven not guilty? Doesn't SHE deserve to be protected as well? I don't hear anyone defending HER reputation except her attorney. She has children too. She is considered a very well-liked member of her community and Zumba instructor. Doesn't HER reputation deserve protecting as well? Does anyone really think that the men who "allegedly" paid her to have sex with her deserve to be protected more than her? I think this is a blatant example of the old double standard. She's a whore, the guys she had sex with are not. Give me a break.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger would probably back me on this. I listened to her radio show for years when I lived in Southern California and every time a young woman would reluctantly admit to her that she was having sex without the "benefit of marriage", Dr. Laura would say, "hey, at least get paid for it. Don't just give it away."
Would it be any better for Miss Alexis Wright to have just given it away for free? Would her reputation be any stellar for it? Would the men she had sex with be more honorable? What is it about paying someone to have sex with you that makes it so horrendous?
Oh, yeah. It's a crime. (Maybe it's time prostitution was legalized in all 50 states. Aren't states always crying they don't have enough money??)
Cheating on your spouse is not a crime. Neither is lying and deceiving your family and friends that you are a faithful, loving husband when you are having extra-marital sex. We are backward thinking in this country to even consider protecting the perpetrators rather than the innocent victims. In this case, to only publicly chastise the unmarried perpetrator in the bunch is just plain wrong. The men who paid Miss Wright for sex don't deserve to be protected from their bad choices. Who benefits by this besides them? Their children? How does that work? More lying and deception benefits them---how??
Maybe these slimy guys should've thought of the consequences before they unzipped their pants.
I can see absolutely NO reason to protect the "alleged" johns. How on earth could any thinking human being think that this would be a good thing? Good for who, besides the "alleged" johns themselves? They have already "allegedly" behaved in not only an illegal manner but an immoral one as well. They have possibly put their wives in danger healthwise. DON'T THESE WIVES HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW WHAT THEIR HUSBANDS HAVE "ALLEGEDLY" BEEN UP TO???? WHY DOES ANYONE THINK THE JOHNS HAVE MORE RIGHTS THAN THE PEOPLE THEY HAVE HURT?? OR, MORE RIGHTS THAN ALEXIS?
Ok, ok, I hear the talking heads saying things like, "well, innocent until proven guilty." Well, doesn't that go for the Zumba instructor as well?? And if you are charged with a crime, be it a DUI, a murder, theft, or soliciting sex from a prostitute, it is public record. Even if you are later proved "not guilty", there is still a public record. So---this is why the talking heads are saying it's "not fair" to publish the names of her little black book (or big brown ledger, or videos as it were) because the public scorn and humiliation of just being accused is too great.
Isn't it though??? (insert smirk)
I ask you, would your name be on that list? Would your husband's name be on that list?? How do we know you did not go and solicit sex from her? Well, we don't know for sure, but if your names are written down in her ledger and there's an accompanying video of the encounter, I'm guessing you guys are guilty. Furthermore, if your husband's name was on her list, you'd rightly assume he's guilty. Why would Miss Wright put his name on her list if he hadn't contacted her? Police have recovered extensive bookkeeping records as well as hundreds of videos of her having sex with these men. Police say they "don't know why she took video of the sexual encounters" but hey, I'm no detective but I'd say maybe it was to prove that these men really did solicit sex from her?? Maybe she was thinking ahead, you know, "covering her ass" as you will? She seems like a smart woman, aside from her poor choice to "allegedly" become a prostitute. Maybe really her only poor choice was to become a prostitute where it is illegal. Maybe she should've moved to Nevada? She could've run her business with her head held high(er) and paid her taxes on the income received.
What if Alexis is ultimately proven not guilty? Doesn't SHE deserve to be protected as well? I don't hear anyone defending HER reputation except her attorney. She has children too. She is considered a very well-liked member of her community and Zumba instructor. Doesn't HER reputation deserve protecting as well? Does anyone really think that the men who "allegedly" paid her to have sex with her deserve to be protected more than her? I think this is a blatant example of the old double standard. She's a whore, the guys she had sex with are not. Give me a break.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger would probably back me on this. I listened to her radio show for years when I lived in Southern California and every time a young woman would reluctantly admit to her that she was having sex without the "benefit of marriage", Dr. Laura would say, "hey, at least get paid for it. Don't just give it away."
Would it be any better for Miss Alexis Wright to have just given it away for free? Would her reputation be any stellar for it? Would the men she had sex with be more honorable? What is it about paying someone to have sex with you that makes it so horrendous?
Oh, yeah. It's a crime. (Maybe it's time prostitution was legalized in all 50 states. Aren't states always crying they don't have enough money??)
Cheating on your spouse is not a crime. Neither is lying and deceiving your family and friends that you are a faithful, loving husband when you are having extra-marital sex. We are backward thinking in this country to even consider protecting the perpetrators rather than the innocent victims. In this case, to only publicly chastise the unmarried perpetrator in the bunch is just plain wrong. The men who paid Miss Wright for sex don't deserve to be protected from their bad choices. Who benefits by this besides them? Their children? How does that work? More lying and deception benefits them---how??
Maybe these slimy guys should've thought of the consequences before they unzipped their pants.
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